Should I Be Worried If My Kid Is the "Hitter"?

The research behind how to prevent and mange hitting and aggression in young children

Source: Snapwire/Pexels

As a parent, nothing can really prepare you for the first time your child hits you or another child. It is hard not to feel like you did something wrong to have raised a “hitter.” But, you can rest assured that nearly every child goes through this stage and, although you may never be able to fully eliminate aggression, there are some research-backed ways to prevent it and manage it.

Many of you already know that this is one of my favorite parenting topics— so much so that I wrote a children’s book to help parents to manage this difficult stage (What To Do When You Feel Like Hitting). However, I realized recently that I have yet to fully break down the research on this topic in one place, so today’s newsletter will address:

• How Common Are Hitting and Other Forms of Aggression in Young Children?

• Why Do Young Children Hit (and Show Aggression)?

• When Should I Be Worried?

• How Do You Prevent and Manage Aggression?

How Common Are Hitting and Other Forms of Aggression in Young Children?

Research finds that aggression in toddlers and young children is extremely common. More specifically, 67% of toddler boys and 54% of toddler girls have hit another person in the past two months, according to their parents. In addition, 62% of toddlers have reportedly shown aggression towards a parent in the past two weeks.

Aggression as an expression of anger emerges in infants between 6 to 12 months old. Aggression then increases gradually from age 2 to 4 years for most children and naturally declines during the elementary school years as children mature and gain self-regulation abilities.

Why Do Young Children Hit (or Show Aggression)?

Aggression in young children is typically related to a lack of ability to regulate their own behavior rather than the malicious intention to hurt others or damage property. For most children, aggression will naturally decline as they develop the ability to inhibit their impulses and use more effective strategies to solve their problems.

When Should I Be Worried?

When toddlers first start hitting, many parents worry that it might mean their child is not empathetic or kind, but research actually suggests the opposite. Toddlers’ use of aggression is actually associated with being more likely to show kind behavior. That is, research finds that 12-month-olds and 33-month-olds who are more aggressive are also more likely to share with other children. However, for school-age children, the opposite is true and aggressive behavior predicts more unkind behavior a year later. This may be because aggressive behavior at this age causes more social problems which then reduces their opportunities to show kind behavior toward others. The takeaway message here is that your toddler or preschooler showing aggressive behavior does not mean they are not kind or empathetic, but if your child is still showing aggression when they reach elementary school, you may want to help them to work on their social skills so they learn more adaptive ways to handle their problems.

What Can I Do To Prevent and Manage Aggression

Even knowing how common toddler aggression is and that it will improve as their little brains develop, this behavior is frustrating at best and dangerous at worse. Fortunately, we do have some evidence-based strategies for preventing and managing aggression in toddlers. The prevention strategies may help you to reduce aggression in the long-term, but remember that even if you follow this advice perfectly, you are still likely to see to see some aggression so it is also important to also discuss how to respond to aggression in the moment when it does occur.

Preventing Aggression

1. Praise the positive opposite behavior: One of the most effective strategies for reducing aggression is to notice and praise the positive opposite of aggression (such as “gentle hands,” “taking turns,” “calm feet,” etc). When you pay attention to a behavior as a parent, you will likely increase the frequency of that behavior in the future since parental attention is a powerful motivator for behavior. Because resolving aggression requires parental attention, it is very important that parents pay even more attention to the positive behaviors.

2. Teach communication and coping skills: Most children show aggression because they lack the skills to get their needs met in other ways. For example, teach your child how to ask an adult for help or to ask another child for a turn. You can also teach and practice coping skills like deep breathing or walking away from a frustrating situation.

3. Give your children choices (whenever possible) rather than trying to control their behavior: Research finds that controlling parents are more likely to have aggressive children. You can avoid trying to control your child by giving them choices throughout the day, particularly when they are frustrated or upset. For example, if your child becomes frustrated when it is time to turn off a TV show, be prepared to offer them a choice for the next activity.

4. Notice when your child is engaging in behaviors that might lead to aggression and correct these behaviors before the aggression occurs: Research finds that mothers of aggressive children are less likely to correct misbehavior that then escalates to aggression than mothers of nonaggressive children. For example, if you notice your child refusing to share a toy with a friend, intervene before conflict occurs and help to coach your child through the situation before they have the chance to become aggressive.

5. Always assume the best of your child: Research shows that mothers who view their children in a negative light (such as, interpreting unclear actions as hostile) are more likely to have aggressive children 3 ½ years later. Instead, always try to assume the best of your child and recognize that they are not intentionally trying to hurt others. For example, if you hear the baby crying from another room, don’t automatically assume that your toddler hurt the baby. Rather than saying “What did you hit the baby?”, calmly ask “What happened here?”.

How to Respond When Aggression Happens

Even if you use the prevention strategies described above perfectly, hitting and aggression will likely still happen, so here is what you do in the moment:

1. Manage your own emotions: The first step when your child shows any aggression is to first regulate your own emotions (after you have ensured that all parties are safe of course). Whether your child hits you, a sibling, or a random child on the playground, it can be upsetting for us as parents. If you do get upset, use this time to model healthy emotion regulation (deep breathing, giving yourself a “time out,” etc). It will be impossible to effectively manage a situation when you are dysregulated yourself, so calming yourself down has to happen first. Research finds that parents who show “hostile affect” (frowning, annoyed tone of voice, criticizing, yelling) along with a behavioral pattern of trying to control their children are more likely to have aggressive children. Calming yourself down first will help you to avoid these ineffective strategies.

2. Attend to the “victim” first: As I mentioned previously, any behavior that is rewarded with attention will likely increase. Instead of rushing over to correct a child for being aggressive, try to first go to the child who is hurt and focus on soothing them until they are completely calmed down (and you are completely calmed down).

3. Provide emotional support and limit setting: Help the aggressor to calm down using emotion coaching (translation: talking about the emotions that led to the aggression and how to manage them). Research finds that parents who provide emotional support to their children are less likely to have children with aggressive behavior. Research also finds that, when parents accept and empathize with their child’s feelings, the child is less likely to show aggression. Emotion coaching (talking about emotions and how to regulate them) is also related to increased empathy and reduced teacher-reported problem behaviors in children, which may ultimately help to reduce aggression. In addition to emotion coaching, make sure to also re-state the limit for the aggressive child in positive terms (for example, “use gentle hands” or “keep your feet on the floor please”).

4. Help the child to apologize or repair the relationship: Remind your child to apologize and/or make amends (translation: righting the wrong in some way). Research finds that apologies help children to repair the relationship with the child they’ve hurt and that making amends may be even more effective, since it repairs the relationship and helps the “victim” of aggression to feel better. Examples of  “making amends” include offering an ice pack when your child hits another child or helping to rebuild something that they knocked over.

5. Use logical consequences: Research finds that logical consequences are linked to improved behavior and may help children to learn “right” from “wrong.” A logical consequence for aggression may be having to stop play to go get a bandaid or ice pack, being separated from the child they hit, taking away a toy they used to hit another person, leaving the playground, or taking a time out to calm down (see here for a detailed newsletter on the research behind time out).

6. Move on and praise the next positive behavior you observe: Don’t shame your child or make them feel guilty about using aggression since shaming is linked with increased anxiety and aggression in children. Instead, move on quickly and look for the next positive behavior (gentle hands, sharing, etc) and notice and praise that behavior as soon as you see it.

If you want to learn more about this topic, I will be speaking about research-backed ways to handle hitting and aggression in a FREE webinar for the Transforming Toddlerhood conference this week. You can register for the Transforming Toddlerhood conference here. This conference is an amazing free resource for toddler parents and covers everything from potty training to setting limits with toddlers.

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a baby, 3-year-old, 6-year-old, and 8-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

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