The Time-Out Controversy
A deep dive on the research behind whether time-out actually improves behavior and how it impacts emotional development and attachment
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As a new parent, the gentle parenting movement was very appealing to me. Although my training as a psychologist and researcher did not focus on gentle parenting (since this approach as a whole has not yet been researched), I read books and blogs about gentle parenting and wholeheartedly endorsed the underlying concepts (being empathetic and responsive to our children’s needs and prioritizing the parent-child relationship). Like many parents, I wanted above all else, to raise kind and compassionate children and I hoped that the gentle parenting approach would help me to achieve that goal. However, I was surprised to learn that some of the specifics of gentle parenting ran counter to my training as a psychologist. One particularly controversial difference is that gentle parenting tends to oppose time-out— a practice that I had used frequently in my training as a psychologist since it is a part of nearly every research-backed parenting program.
In my clinical work, I had seen firsthand that time-out could be a helpful tool for many families. However, as a parent, I was initially unsure about whether time-out would be right for our family. Before having my second child, I felt no need to use time-out. Redirection and emotion coaching were effective for our family. However, after having my second child, I often found myself in the very difficult situation of my 2-year-old being aggressive with her baby brother. Although I knew that this reaction was entirely developmentally normal, these situations were still very upsetting for me as a parent. Someone had just hurt my baby and it didn’t matter that it was my other baby who did it— I was angry. I needed a minute to calm down and tend to the baby before being able to handle the situation with my 2-year-old in a calm and effective way.
I decided to try time-out. I would calmly tell my toddler “You hit your brother so that’s time-out” and take the time to calm myself and the baby down. After this very brief separation (she was in a chair only a few feet away from me), I felt ready to handle my toddler and be the calm and patient parent that I wanted to be. After starting time-out, her aggressive behavior toward the baby also reduced to the point that it rarely happened and our relationship seemed to improve as the most stressful moments of my parenting became fewer and farther between. Even with these positive changes, I couldn’t help but experience a nagging feeling that I had somehow failed in my ability to be a gentle parent.
Six years later, I still use time-out to handle any instances of sibling fighting in my house. I find that it allows everyone (including myself) to calm down and figure out what happened. It prevents me from losing my cool and yelling and allows my children a chance to separate from each other in order to calm down themselves. I now have the confidence to believe it is the right choice for my family but occasionally I see social media or blog posts about time-out that makes me question this approach, even as an experienced parent.
So how did these differing opinions on time-out come to exist? What does the research say? Is time-out an effective discipline strategy or could it potentially be harmful to children?
A History of Time-Out
The concept of time-out was developed by a psychologist named Arthur Staats in the 1960’s. It was created as an alternative to spanking and other forms of physical punishment, which were very popular at the time. The idea was that children would be briefly removed from a rewarding or stimulating environment when they showed a particular challenging behavior, like aggression.
Time-out is short for two things: (1) time-out from positive reinforcement and (2) time-out to calm down. First, time-out from positive reinforcement is the principle that, when you take away positive reinforcement (translation: anything in the environment that may feed into or encourage the behavior such as toys, parents’ and siblings’ attention, or a fun activity), a behavior will occur less frequently. Therefore, this principle can only be applied when the parent provides a positive environment at other times (attention, positive interactions, enriching activities, etc). Basically, most of the child’s time with a parent is fun, warm, and stimulating, and when a challenging behavior arises, the child has to take a bit of time away from those things (which can be boring!). This behavioral principle works for adults as well. For example, imagine your phone died when you were waiting at the DMV– it would be boring but tolerable and you would likely be more motivated to charge your phone before the next DMV appointment. Time-out is not meant to cause suffering but just to be very boring.
Second, time-out can also refer to a “time-out to calm down.” Sometimes, time and space is truly needed to calm an overstimulated brain that is not making positive choices. A short break allows the child to calm down so they can re-enter the interaction more successfully. Taking a break from an emotionally charged situation is an important skill to learn to manage emotions as an adult. A seminal research study in adults found that sitting quietly reduces anger to a greater extent than expressing it. This is similar to findings in adult relationship and marriage research that shows that when conflict reaches a certain level, more processing or engaging can be counterproductive; instead, evidence-based marriage interventions (such as The Gottman method) recommend that each adult take a 20 minute break away from the situation (an adult time-out, if you will). Research finds that this type of “adult time-out” helps adults to stay calm and be less aggressive.
Research in the 1970’s and 1980’s found that time-out was very effective at reducing problematic behavior. In the 1990’s and 2000’s, time-out was included in many parenting intervention programs (translation: programs designed to improve parenting which would thus improve parent-child relationship and the child’s behavior). As study after study consistently supported the use of time-out, it began to be recommended by nearly all pediatricians and mental health professionals.
It is unclear exactly when the opposition to time-out began but it may have originated in 2014, when Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson (the authors of the Whole Brain Child) wrote an article for Time magazine called “Time-Outs Are Hurting Your Child.” In this article, Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson argue that time-outs are experienced as rejection by children. They assert that misbehavior in children is often a “cry for help calming down” and a “bid for connection.” They also argue that time-outs make children angrier and more dysregulated, which makes it harder for them to reflect on their behavior. Instead, they suggest that parents use “time-in” which involves “sitting with the child and talking or comforting [them]”.
Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson use a brain imaging study to back up these claims. They stated that “In a brain scan, relational pain—that caused by isolation during punishment—can look the same as physical abuse.” However, the study they are referring to only included adults, and the adults in this study did not experience isolation during punishment but rather they were left out of a virtual ball-throwing game. The researchers found that social exclusion during this video game was associated with activation of the anterior cingulate cortex (a brain region that has been found in previous research to be linked to physical pain, but also many, many other functions such as problem-solving and processing of all emotions). While these findings are interesting, it is hard to understand how this study might be applied to time-out and they definitely cannot be used to conclude that isolation during punishment causes physical pain for children.
Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson later clarified that they were only referring to time-outs which were conducted in harsh or punitive ways. They expressed in a follow-up piece (which is still on their website) that they actually support the use of time-out when it is used “infrequently, calmly, and with lots of support and connection and positive support”. They explained that “the ‘appropriate’ use of time-outs calls for brief, infrequent, previously explained breaks from an interaction used as part of a thought-out parenting strategy that is followed by positive feedback and connection with a parent.” They added that “This seems not only reasonable, but it is an overall approach supported by the research as helpful for many children.”
Yet, despite their retraction, the movement against time-out continued and a research study in 2014 found that 30% of websites on time-out claimed that time-out was either potentially harmful or ineffective. The researchers also found that most websites (75%) contained contradictory information on time-out and no websites provided information on how to implement time-out according to research.
At the same time, time-out continues to be recommended by most psychologists and pediatricians, as well as the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
So what does the research actually find on time-out?
Does Time-Out Actually Improve Behavior?
First, research finds that time-out “works” in terms of improving children’s behavior. Decades of high-quality research finds that time-out is effective at addressing challenging behavior in children ages 3 to 7 years of age. Time-out is included in nearly every research-backed parenting program, including Triple P, Parent Child Interaction Therapy, The Incredible Years, Helping the Noncompliant Child, and Parent Management Training.
Many experimental studies have found that time-out decreases sibling fighting, reduces noncompliance and oppositionality (translation: not listening when your parents ask you to do something), and decreases the frequency of aggression and destruction of property. More importantly, randomized controlled trials (the gold standard research design) find that time-out is very effective at increasing children’s compliance to demands (translation: listening to what you ask them to do) and reducing fighting and behavior problems like aggression and destruction of property. These randomized controlled trials need to be given significant weight, as they are the highest level of scientific evidence. They go beyond simply showing that two things are correlated (translation: associated with each other) and allow us to conclude that parenting programs that include time-out actually cause these positive behavior changes.
Does Time-Out Cause Harm in Any Way?
However, many parents are not worried about only whether time-out improves behavior but also whether it causes emotional harm to their children and how it might impact the parent-child relationship. A 2020 study addressed this very question by examining the impact of time-out on children’s long-term social and emotional development. The researchers found in this study, that when parents used time=out, their children were not more likely to show signs of anxiety or depression, aggression, rule-breaking behavior, or difficulties with self-control. Time-out was also not associated with any impact on creativity or differences in how the children interacted with the parents or the parent-child relationship.
Another study including families from many different countries, found that the frequency of time-out was associated with increases in mother-reported levels of child anxiety but not child-reported anxiety and was not linked to any differences in either mother-reported or child-reported aggression.
It is important to note that in both of these studies, the researchers did not train parents in how to implement time-out or measure whether time-out was used “appropriately” (the second part of this newsletter will discuss exactly how to implement time-out according to research). Therefore, this research suggests that time-out even as implemented by most parents (which is not the way recommended by research) is not associated with negative outcomes. It is also striking that very different results were found in both studies for harsh discipline tactics, such as spanking/physical punishment, yelling and expressing disappointment (saying that you are disappointed in your child or that their behavior hurt your feelings) which were linked to increased aggression in children in both studies.
Now, you might be thinking: “These studies are all correlational… how do we know that time-out doesn’t actually cause any emotional harms?” Fortunately, we also have research suggesting that parenting programs that include time-out do not cause harm and often cause positive changes in children’s mental health. Randomized controlled trials of parenting programs that include time-out (translation: the gold standard of research designs that allow us to actually look at cause and effect) found that these programs were effective in not only reducing behavioral problems but also improving children’s mental health. Specifically, children who complete these programs show fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression and are less likely to show emotional problems. A recent nonrandomized controlled trial also found that a parenting program that included time-out improved children’s mental health.
In addition, research that looks at the different components of these programs found that teaching parents time-out in particular was associated with more positive child and parent outcomes. In other words, programs that included time-out were found to be more effective in improving parent-child interactions than programs that did not. Research also finds that parents show less harsh punishments after learning time-out through one of these programs.
However, it is very important to mention that time-out has rarely been studied outside of the context of these positive parenting programs. Therefore, we do not know if time-out will have these positive outcomes when it is not being used with other positive parenting strategies. This is consistent with the very definition of an evidence-based time-out; all evidence-based programs specify that time-out should only be used when paired with positive parenting strategies.
How Does Time-Out Impact Attachment?
A parenting program that includes time-out has been developed specifically for children at-risk for attachment problems by leading attachment researcher Marinus van Ijenzendoorn. Research on this program has found improved attachment security in the children who completed this program which includes a component on teaching parents how to implement time-out. See here for a meta-analysis including 25 randomized controlled trials of this program.
Based on attachment theory (see this article for an analysis of time-out in light of attachment theory), we know that separations from parents are an important part of any attachment relationship. In fact, a secure attachment is characterized by regular separations that allow the child to develop important independent skills followed by reunion with the caregiver. In the context of time-out, if parents are able to explain time-out to their child in advance, stay calm, use time-out in a consistent and predictable manner, and have a positive reunion with their child after time-out, then there is no reason to think it would damage the attachment relationship.
Parents should also consider whether, by not using time-out, they are actually showing more unpredictable behavior. For example, parents who do not use time-out may be very patient and emotionally validating the first few times a child shows challenging behavior and then may eventually yell at the child when it keeps happening. This type of unpredictable parent responses (in which the parent stays calm until they can’t take it anymore and then explodes) may be worse for the attachment relationship.
What About “Time-In”?
The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to time-out. This term is a little confusing because in the research, “time-in” refers to any time that a child is not in “time-out,” meaning any normal interactions between a parent and child. However, as the movement against time-out has gained traction, the term “time-in” has been co-opted to be an alternative to time-out when the parent is present with the child validating their emotions and helping them to calm down. Yet, research has yet to study whether “time-in” is an effective method. When a method has not been researched, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work, it only means that we have no evidence that it does. If it works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use “time-in.” However, if it is not working for you or your child, parents should feel free to use another approach without guilt that they have failed as a gentle parent.
There is research supporting emotional validation (this approach is called “emotion coaching”) but emotion coaching should ideally be used when the child is calm and not immediately after challenging behavior. Emotion coaching is more of a general approach to discussing and empathizing with your child’s emotions. Randomized controlled trials have found that emotion coaching is effective at reducing problem behaviors. However, research also finds that emotion coaching may be more effective for children older than 8 years, while behavior parent training (translation: the type of program that uses time-out) may be more effective for children under 8 years.
If opting to use time-in, there are some potential traps that parents should watch out for. First, individual differences matter. The idea of co-regulation (translation: adult helping regulate their child who is struggling to self-regulate) has been oversimplified in popular parenting culture. Co-regulation, as defined in the research has nothing to do with physically close or verbal processing while a child is upset (see here and here for more on coregulation); thus, one child might co-regulate beautifully next to their parent saying “I’m here buddy- I got you” while another child might scream that they want and need space and are only increasingly agitated by their parents’ attempts at time-in. A second problem with “time-in”(or emotion coaching after challenging behavior) is that parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors (aggression, yelling, etc) than positive behaviors (being kind, helping, playing independently, etc), which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a vicious cycle in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.
In addition, time-in will only work if you stay calm as a parent. If you are distressed as a parent, it is hard to effectively coach your children through their own distress.
TRANSLATION: If time-in works better for your child and your family, you can definitely use this approach. However, you may want to be careful to be sensitive to your child’s individual needs (do they need physical presence or do they need space?), pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors, and only use time-in when you are calm yourself.
So Should I Use Time-Out?
As with all parenting decisions, you can use the research as a guide but ultimately you as a parent are the only one who knows what is best for your child and your family. Time-out is an effective tool that parents may or may not choose to use. This decision should not be based on fear or misinformation, but rather guided by your intuition, values, and knowledge of your specific child and family. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use time-out, then it is important to know that the research does not indicate that you must use time-out in order to be an effective parent.
Although research has yet to find any clear harms of time-out, research is always limited and only gives us insight into what works best for the average child. Just because research has not yet shown a negative impact of time-out, it could still not be right for your child or fit with your own individual approach to parenting. For example, if your child responds better to caregivers being close and providing verbal coaching and comfort or if this brief separation doesn’t feel right to you as a parent, time-out might not be the best strategy for you and you should trust your own intuition about what is right for your family.
Even in light of this research finding no harms of time-out, it is also important to remember the limitations of time-out. Time-out does not teach your child what to do instead of the challenging behavior and does not teach them about their emotions. This is why time-out is never taught in isolation. Most of the parenting programs that include time-out also promote improving the parent-child relationship first and foremost and teaching children emotional regulation skills. Therefore, time-out should only be used in the context of other positive parenting skills, such as emotional coaching (talking to our children about their emotions and the emotions of others), teaching coping strategies and other appropriate skills, and focusing on a positive relationship between parent and child. We also need more research on time-out, including further research examining the long-term impacts of time-out.
If you are using these positive parenting skills and you would like to also use time-out occasionally, you can add time-out to your parenting toolkit without any guilt. Time-out may be particularly helpful at times when you might be at risk of using more harsh discipline strategies. Research consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with increased mental health symptoms in children. If time-out gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might make sense. You can also use time-out and still use gentle parenting strategies that are backed by research such as emotional validation, empathy, and positive attention. Despite how it is depicted on social media, parenting is not black-and-white and it is really up to you to determine what is right for your child and your family.
For how to implement time-out effectively according to research, subscribe to the Parenting Translator newsletter to get a bonus newsletter on Monday with a step-by-step plan for using time-out with your child.
Expert Review
All Parenting Translator are reviewed by experts in the topic to make sure that they are as helpful and as accurate for parents as possible. Today’s newsletter was reviewed by Dr. Jenna Elgin and Dr. Shanna Alvarez. Drs. Jenna Elgin and Shanna Alvarez are licensed psychologists and the founders of Helping Families Thrive (HFT). The mission at HFT is to bring parenting science to the everyday parent via easily-accessible, modern parenting resources (including social media, podcasts, blogging, e-courses, and workshops). They also provide direct clinical work with families and conduct trainings for schools and professional organizations. You can get their free emotion regulation guide here.
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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to three children (currently an almost-2-year-old, 4-year-old, and 6-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).
DISCLAIMER: The information and advice in this newsletter is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other professions. Call your medical, mental health professional, or 911 for all emergencies. Dr. Cara Goodwin is not liable for any advice or information provided in this newsletter.
Thank you for writing this important newsletter. In all of my years of working in early childhood, I believe you are the first person to write a comprehensive piece on time out. It is important to get the research and the information on how to implement in a developmentally appropriate way out.
Thank you for your very thorough and well researched deep dive on this important topic. I especially liked the part about "X works better for the under 8 crowd, and Y works better for the over 8 crowd." I adopted my 5 kids when they were teens, so I didn't have to do time-outs, as they holed up in the rooms without being told to 😂.