Thank you for writing this important newsletter. In all of my years of working in early childhood, I believe you are the first person to write a comprehensive piece on time out. It is important to get the research and the information on how to implement in a developmentally appropriate way out.
Thank you for your very thorough and well researched deep dive on this important topic. I especially liked the part about "X works better for the under 8 crowd, and Y works better for the over 8 crowd." I adopted my 5 kids when they were teens, so I didn't have to do time-outs, as they holed up in the rooms without being told to 😂.
I enjoyed reading your article. I've had success using time out with my own children. I've recommended the procedure to others. Thanks for this great article.
This is so helpful and nuanced. I have tended toward time-in approaches because I was raised with a form of time out that was punitive and that I remember with great sadness. I’m also a K-12 educator by training who also teaches mindfulness, so I have a relatively long fuse for kid upsets and genuinely enjoy using that toolkit. (Like, “let’s blow out the birthday candles to calm our bodies!”) That said, my partner does not have the same background or temperament (which is okay by me, we’re complementary but different in many ways). I wonder if he might benefit from knowing that, as you say, practicing and delivering time out calmly and skillfully to *preserve* attachment beats trying to win the Gentle Parenting Olympics and then defaulting to more authoritarian methods when reserves of patience run dry.
This was a wonderful read! I’m looking forward to the bonus newsletter on this.
I’m curious if the *way* a time-out is delivered has an impact on how it’s perceived by the child? For example, if I yell “go to time out and stay there until you can behave better,” there’s obviously a very punitive tone to this time out. I also wonder if parents send kids to time out for 30 mins that may also be perceived as punitive if it doesn’t actually take the kid that long to calm down. In any case, I’m very eager for your bonus newsletter!
As one of two parents who have a natural opposition to time-out, this was a really interesting read. Thank you!
I guess my personal aversion to it comes from personal experience. I just remember having a lot of pent-up emotions as a child, that I wanted to express. That often came about through "misbehaviour". When I wasn't smacked (another topic all-together), I'd be isolated from everyone else. Rather than calming down, I just remember feeling like no one could handle my emotions, like no one was listening to me - and rather than my parents trying to understand my emotions and talk me through them, they were pushing me away. Reading the work of Dr Gabor Maté since becoming a dad has solidified that view for me. Don't get me wrong, it takes an awful lot of self-regulation of our own emotions to be able to hold that space for them - and I often don't manage it in time. But it's something I'm striving for.
I also remember seeing episodes of this god-awful programme that used to be popular on UK television in the mid-00's called Supernanny. She'd teach parents to use time-outs, that often would involve physically dragging children to a "naughty step" for extended periods of time until they'd "calmed down". I just hated the way she taught the parents to completely disengage from their children's needs in that moment.
I guess it depends on how you implement it. If the child knows that you can handle their emotions after that short time-out, and you make the space for them just as soon as the parent themselves is ready to do so, then that probably works.
Either way, really interesting to seeing that research still more or less backs it up. I suppose coming at it from the point of view of a dad of one child (for two more weeks at least), maybe my stance on it will change when there's two of them, and I need that moment to soothe the younger child before going to address the emotions of the older one.
I’d love to see an article on rewards as most gentle parenting accounts are against them.
I also have seen a popular account talk about lying and how even if you know your child is lying you should just say you believe them. This has never sat right with me. We’ve had some lying issues with one of my children and I always struggle with finding researched based approaches.
Thank you for writing this important newsletter. In all of my years of working in early childhood, I believe you are the first person to write a comprehensive piece on time out. It is important to get the research and the information on how to implement in a developmentally appropriate way out.
Thank you for your very thorough and well researched deep dive on this important topic. I especially liked the part about "X works better for the under 8 crowd, and Y works better for the over 8 crowd." I adopted my 5 kids when they were teens, so I didn't have to do time-outs, as they holed up in the rooms without being told to 😂.
I enjoyed reading your article. I've had success using time out with my own children. I've recommended the procedure to others. Thanks for this great article.
This is so helpful and nuanced. I have tended toward time-in approaches because I was raised with a form of time out that was punitive and that I remember with great sadness. I’m also a K-12 educator by training who also teaches mindfulness, so I have a relatively long fuse for kid upsets and genuinely enjoy using that toolkit. (Like, “let’s blow out the birthday candles to calm our bodies!”) That said, my partner does not have the same background or temperament (which is okay by me, we’re complementary but different in many ways). I wonder if he might benefit from knowing that, as you say, practicing and delivering time out calmly and skillfully to *preserve* attachment beats trying to win the Gentle Parenting Olympics and then defaulting to more authoritarian methods when reserves of patience run dry.
Thank you for this thoughtful and well-researched post!
So helpful and thorough!!
This was a wonderful read! I’m looking forward to the bonus newsletter on this.
I’m curious if the *way* a time-out is delivered has an impact on how it’s perceived by the child? For example, if I yell “go to time out and stay there until you can behave better,” there’s obviously a very punitive tone to this time out. I also wonder if parents send kids to time out for 30 mins that may also be perceived as punitive if it doesn’t actually take the kid that long to calm down. In any case, I’m very eager for your bonus newsletter!
As one of two parents who have a natural opposition to time-out, this was a really interesting read. Thank you!
I guess my personal aversion to it comes from personal experience. I just remember having a lot of pent-up emotions as a child, that I wanted to express. That often came about through "misbehaviour". When I wasn't smacked (another topic all-together), I'd be isolated from everyone else. Rather than calming down, I just remember feeling like no one could handle my emotions, like no one was listening to me - and rather than my parents trying to understand my emotions and talk me through them, they were pushing me away. Reading the work of Dr Gabor Maté since becoming a dad has solidified that view for me. Don't get me wrong, it takes an awful lot of self-regulation of our own emotions to be able to hold that space for them - and I often don't manage it in time. But it's something I'm striving for.
I also remember seeing episodes of this god-awful programme that used to be popular on UK television in the mid-00's called Supernanny. She'd teach parents to use time-outs, that often would involve physically dragging children to a "naughty step" for extended periods of time until they'd "calmed down". I just hated the way she taught the parents to completely disengage from their children's needs in that moment.
I guess it depends on how you implement it. If the child knows that you can handle their emotions after that short time-out, and you make the space for them just as soon as the parent themselves is ready to do so, then that probably works.
Either way, really interesting to seeing that research still more or less backs it up. I suppose coming at it from the point of view of a dad of one child (for two more weeks at least), maybe my stance on it will change when there's two of them, and I need that moment to soothe the younger child before going to address the emotions of the older one.
I’d love to see an article on rewards as most gentle parenting accounts are against them.
I also have seen a popular account talk about lying and how even if you know your child is lying you should just say you believe them. This has never sat right with me. We’ve had some lying issues with one of my children and I always struggle with finding researched based approaches.