Thank you for this wonderful article! As a parent who loves to travel with my kids, I truly appreciate the insights and practical tips shared. It's reassuring to know that the challenges we face while traveling with children are normal and that there are strategies to make the experience more enjoyable.
I recently went on a trip with my family, and I implemented some of the suggestions mentioned here. Following their interests and allowing downtime were game-changers for us. We discovered local playgrounds, which provided a much-needed break for my kids to let off steam. Picnics instead of eating out worked brilliantly, and we had fun exploring different parks while enjoying a meal together.
I also found the product recommendations extremely helpful. Miniature magnetic tiles and playdough kits kept my kids engaged during travel, and the portable white noise machine was a lifesaver for a peaceful sleep environment.
So glad you mentioned the confound in the correlational studies: parents who choose baby-led weaning are likely to be more educated/wealthier, which is associated with all kinds of things.
I also liked the comment about many parents not being purists and using a combination that works for them/their family. There are lots of ways to raise kids!
Another thing to keep in mind is that kids change. At one age a child might happily eat a variety of foods, a few months or a year later, they may turn picky, then later they might be more open to new foods.
Overall, the baby-led weaning seems very consistent with Ellyn Satter's approach to feeding older kids, which I find very sensible: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/ She emphasizes the division of responsibility: Parents decide what food to offer and when, and they try to make meals pleasant; kids decide what and how much of that food they want to eat. Patience and exposure help in getting kids to eat more varied foods. That's why Indian kids eat Indian food, and Chinese kids eat Chinese food, and Italian kids eat Italian food, etc.
One thing we know for sure is that stress and tension around eating/feeding makes both kids and parents miserable.
Thank you for making the connection to Ellyn Satter's approach to feeding older kids. I agree that variety, choice, and pleasant mealtimes lead both to less stress and better eating.
Hi Dr. Cara, I enjoyed the newsletter this week about redshirting. I’d like to suggest a newsletter about transitional kindergarten as well. In my state of California, they are gradually expanding access so that by 2025 children who turn 5 by April of the academic year can enroll in tk. My toddler would be eligible. However, I remember the state (Tennessee?) that was recently in the news for rolling out universal pre-kindergarten, and it backfired: the kids enrolled did worse in the long term, possibly because the program was too academic based and not play-based. What does the over all research say? Do tk programs tend to be play or academic based, or does it depend on the program? Does it help or hurt long term, especially compared to being at home? (Obviously socioeconomic factors regarding who can afford to keep their kids home will play a role I’m sure!)
Thank you for that suggestion. I will look into the research. Since the tk program is pretty recent, there may not be peer reviewed research on it yet. The research in prek programs is pretty clear that it matters particularly for children from under resourced communities. The issue with the Tennessee study is there is a fade out effect because one year of prek is not a a magic solution. Even if kids have one year of quality preschool, they may go into an underperforming elementary school that does not provide high quality support. Because of that, the advantages of preschool may fade and that is what occurred in the Tennessee study.
Thank you for the response and the clarification! That’s a bit different than what I’d seen reported in the media and makes me feel less wary of tk. The fade out effect sadly makes a lot of sense.
That’s awesome! Very interested to hear a more holistic take, especially in light of the debate surrounding best age to start kindergarten. Looking forward to it.
My current 14 month old knows 9+ signs and uses them frequently to communicate with us her needs/wants and all of them came from ms Rachel and us interacting with her, doing the signs at the same time ms Rachel does, but also gestures and some signs that we’ve never worked with her on. So don’t say there’s absolutely nothing that children learn from baby educational videos hah
I love all of your newsletters, but this one on the consequences of psychological control and behavioral control is my favorite yet. Your summary lays out the foundations of secure attachment and is essentially my “North Star” for parenting the way I want to. Printing this out and hanging on the fridge! Thank you!!!
I recognize the stress my older grandson is facing. As a divorced parent with two children under five, he struggles to work full-time, clean the house, do the laundry, buy groceries, cook meals, and keep the car running. His former wife does not make things easier for him or the two children. You are correct that something has to change.
Great work Cara! I love the way you are bringing research to life for your readers and helping them use the insights gleaned in their parenting. Parents get bombarded with so much misinformation, your evidence based approach is sorely needed!
First, how many of the "parents" in the survey were mothers? I'd bet the vast majority. This would mean we are not talking about "parental" burn out but "maternal" burn out. This is important since mothers face many societal pressures, prejudices, and unfair burdens while parenting. If we want to help them then we must acknowledge the environment in which they parent.
Second, this article shifts from noting the pain and frequency of parental burn out to why it's bad for kids. You shift from focusing on the needs of parents aka mothers to supposed child outcomes. What would be useful is a deeper dive into what leads to parental burn out and how we can support mothers: free child care, frank conversations between partners, realistic expectations, fighting perfectionism, taking a long haul view on life, community support, better schools etc. etc.
Third, your focus on free play for children is important but you don't seem to understand what free play is. It is not the same as special time with a parent. Free play is unstructured time to play without parental interference and preferably with other kids. It has been a vital component of a normal childhood from the days we lived in hunter-gatherer societies. There are many ways that todays kids have been robbed of free play: the end of recess, the over involvement in adult supervised activities from sports to art class, the distances kids often now live from friends, the allowance of excessive screen time. etc. We can only fix these things if we know the real source of restrictions on free play.
Fourth, it's not "special time" that kids need from parents. What they need is to feel seen, loved, and valued. Many very busy parents with multiple jobs manage to give and communicate these things to their children in the moments captured through the day. This is where we can help parents. How do you make the car ride to and from school into important time with your kids? (avoid phone calls, turn off the radio/music, ban ear buds, let them spill all the days joys and stresses etc.) What little rituals can you build into daily life that will keep connections and love going. (bedtime stories for younger, bedside chat for elementary school kids, hug and kiss goodnight every night for teens) Listening and reflecting back to them when you see something special in them. Let them see that they see you. Learning to balance so called "consequences" with teamwork and being there for them when the chips are down. Keeping your expectations of them at a developmentally appropriate level. etc. etc.
"research suggests that punishment (even non-physical punishment) is associated with more unkind behaviors in children."
I may very well have been reading the study wrong or misunderstood the comment, but wouldn't this correlation be explained by children who are more unkind needing behavior correction more often?
Thank you for sharing valuable research. Your suggestions are excellent. In addition to your strong ideas, I also read many books and took classes to learn new ways to talk and respond to my children.
Excellent and informative article thank you! I would encourage writers, researchers and readers to also consult with a speech-language pathologist before pursuing clipping a tongue tie if there are concerns with speech development. MANY speech sound errors are not impacted by a tongue tie and is important for parents to understand the developmental norms of the speech sounds and if a tongue tie is impacting those sounds before scheduling a procedure.
Thank you for this information! Before reading this article, I don't know if I would have made the connection. Now that I know, it makes perfect sense. Thank you!!
I enjoyed reading your article on Gentle Parenting. I am fairly new to Substack and, like you, I write about parenting. My latest book is called Parenting with Kindness and Consequences. From the title, you will know that I agree, that, although gentle parenting works for many parents, logical consequences definitely balance the equation. When possible, natural consequences have advantages over logical consequences. As you stated, life always has consequences. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Can you do a post on how to handle picky toddlers? My 2.5-year-old will literally only eat gogo squeeze yogurt. She won’t even eat cookies or fresh fruit, or anything else, only yogurt. It’s been several months. Occasionally we can get her to eat cheese or a couple of pieces of cereal, but that’s it. I’m getting a little worried.
Love this debunking! The birth order one seems especially resistant to debunking–probably because everyone knows someone who fits the characteristics of the stereotypes. The other thing that's important to understand about birth order studies is that they're usually not longitudinal. In other words, they're not comparing say a first born at 3 yo and a second born at 3 yo. They compare a first born at 5 yo to a second born at 3 yo, and, guess what, they're different!
I used to wake my kids from a nap to make sure they didn't sleep past 4 pm. It was ugly, but necessary for them to get decent sleep at night.
Thank you for this wonderful article! As a parent who loves to travel with my kids, I truly appreciate the insights and practical tips shared. It's reassuring to know that the challenges we face while traveling with children are normal and that there are strategies to make the experience more enjoyable.
I recently went on a trip with my family, and I implemented some of the suggestions mentioned here. Following their interests and allowing downtime were game-changers for us. We discovered local playgrounds, which provided a much-needed break for my kids to let off steam. Picnics instead of eating out worked brilliantly, and we had fun exploring different parks while enjoying a meal together.
I also found the product recommendations extremely helpful. Miniature magnetic tiles and playdough kits kept my kids engaged during travel, and the portable white noise machine was a lifesaver for a peaceful sleep environment.
I am so glad you loved the post. What practical tips have you learned from your travels?
So glad you mentioned the confound in the correlational studies: parents who choose baby-led weaning are likely to be more educated/wealthier, which is associated with all kinds of things.
I also liked the comment about many parents not being purists and using a combination that works for them/their family. There are lots of ways to raise kids!
Another thing to keep in mind is that kids change. At one age a child might happily eat a variety of foods, a few months or a year later, they may turn picky, then later they might be more open to new foods.
Overall, the baby-led weaning seems very consistent with Ellyn Satter's approach to feeding older kids, which I find very sensible: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/ She emphasizes the division of responsibility: Parents decide what food to offer and when, and they try to make meals pleasant; kids decide what and how much of that food they want to eat. Patience and exposure help in getting kids to eat more varied foods. That's why Indian kids eat Indian food, and Chinese kids eat Chinese food, and Italian kids eat Italian food, etc.
One thing we know for sure is that stress and tension around eating/feeding makes both kids and parents miserable.
Thank you for making the connection to Ellyn Satter's approach to feeding older kids. I agree that variety, choice, and pleasant mealtimes lead both to less stress and better eating.
Hi Dr. Cara, I enjoyed the newsletter this week about redshirting. I’d like to suggest a newsletter about transitional kindergarten as well. In my state of California, they are gradually expanding access so that by 2025 children who turn 5 by April of the academic year can enroll in tk. My toddler would be eligible. However, I remember the state (Tennessee?) that was recently in the news for rolling out universal pre-kindergarten, and it backfired: the kids enrolled did worse in the long term, possibly because the program was too academic based and not play-based. What does the over all research say? Do tk programs tend to be play or academic based, or does it depend on the program? Does it help or hurt long term, especially compared to being at home? (Obviously socioeconomic factors regarding who can afford to keep their kids home will play a role I’m sure!)
Thank you for that suggestion. I will look into the research. Since the tk program is pretty recent, there may not be peer reviewed research on it yet. The research in prek programs is pretty clear that it matters particularly for children from under resourced communities. The issue with the Tennessee study is there is a fade out effect because one year of prek is not a a magic solution. Even if kids have one year of quality preschool, they may go into an underperforming elementary school that does not provide high quality support. Because of that, the advantages of preschool may fade and that is what occurred in the Tennessee study.
Thank you for the response and the clarification! That’s a bit different than what I’d seen reported in the media and makes me feel less wary of tk. The fade out effect sadly makes a lot of sense.
Yes the media covers what will make headlines but parents need the nuances. I will try to cover this in a newsletter soon.
That’s awesome! Very interested to hear a more holistic take, especially in light of the debate surrounding best age to start kindergarten. Looking forward to it.
My current 14 month old knows 9+ signs and uses them frequently to communicate with us her needs/wants and all of them came from ms Rachel and us interacting with her, doing the signs at the same time ms Rachel does, but also gestures and some signs that we’ve never worked with her on. So don’t say there’s absolutely nothing that children learn from baby educational videos hah
Thank you for sharing what your daughter is learning!
I love all of your newsletters, but this one on the consequences of psychological control and behavioral control is my favorite yet. Your summary lays out the foundations of secure attachment and is essentially my “North Star” for parenting the way I want to. Printing this out and hanging on the fridge! Thank you!!!
I recognize the stress my older grandson is facing. As a divorced parent with two children under five, he struggles to work full-time, clean the house, do the laundry, buy groceries, cook meals, and keep the car running. His former wife does not make things easier for him or the two children. You are correct that something has to change.
Loved your article on raising empathetic children. Yet another example of psycho-dynamic insights being supported by research!
Great work Cara! I love the way you are bringing research to life for your readers and helping them use the insights gleaned in their parenting. Parents get bombarded with so much misinformation, your evidence based approach is sorely needed!
First, how many of the "parents" in the survey were mothers? I'd bet the vast majority. This would mean we are not talking about "parental" burn out but "maternal" burn out. This is important since mothers face many societal pressures, prejudices, and unfair burdens while parenting. If we want to help them then we must acknowledge the environment in which they parent.
Second, this article shifts from noting the pain and frequency of parental burn out to why it's bad for kids. You shift from focusing on the needs of parents aka mothers to supposed child outcomes. What would be useful is a deeper dive into what leads to parental burn out and how we can support mothers: free child care, frank conversations between partners, realistic expectations, fighting perfectionism, taking a long haul view on life, community support, better schools etc. etc.
Third, your focus on free play for children is important but you don't seem to understand what free play is. It is not the same as special time with a parent. Free play is unstructured time to play without parental interference and preferably with other kids. It has been a vital component of a normal childhood from the days we lived in hunter-gatherer societies. There are many ways that todays kids have been robbed of free play: the end of recess, the over involvement in adult supervised activities from sports to art class, the distances kids often now live from friends, the allowance of excessive screen time. etc. We can only fix these things if we know the real source of restrictions on free play.
Fourth, it's not "special time" that kids need from parents. What they need is to feel seen, loved, and valued. Many very busy parents with multiple jobs manage to give and communicate these things to their children in the moments captured through the day. This is where we can help parents. How do you make the car ride to and from school into important time with your kids? (avoid phone calls, turn off the radio/music, ban ear buds, let them spill all the days joys and stresses etc.) What little rituals can you build into daily life that will keep connections and love going. (bedtime stories for younger, bedside chat for elementary school kids, hug and kiss goodnight every night for teens) Listening and reflecting back to them when you see something special in them. Let them see that they see you. Learning to balance so called "consequences" with teamwork and being there for them when the chips are down. Keeping your expectations of them at a developmentally appropriate level. etc. etc.
"research suggests that punishment (even non-physical punishment) is associated with more unkind behaviors in children."
I may very well have been reading the study wrong or misunderstood the comment, but wouldn't this correlation be explained by children who are more unkind needing behavior correction more often?
Thank you for sharing valuable research. Your suggestions are excellent. In addition to your strong ideas, I also read many books and took classes to learn new ways to talk and respond to my children.
Excellent and informative article thank you! I would encourage writers, researchers and readers to also consult with a speech-language pathologist before pursuing clipping a tongue tie if there are concerns with speech development. MANY speech sound errors are not impacted by a tongue tie and is important for parents to understand the developmental norms of the speech sounds and if a tongue tie is impacting those sounds before scheduling a procedure.
Thank you for this information! Before reading this article, I don't know if I would have made the connection. Now that I know, it makes perfect sense. Thank you!!
I enjoyed reading your article on Gentle Parenting. I am fairly new to Substack and, like you, I write about parenting. My latest book is called Parenting with Kindness and Consequences. From the title, you will know that I agree, that, although gentle parenting works for many parents, logical consequences definitely balance the equation. When possible, natural consequences have advantages over logical consequences. As you stated, life always has consequences. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Can you do a post on how to handle picky toddlers? My 2.5-year-old will literally only eat gogo squeeze yogurt. She won’t even eat cookies or fresh fruit, or anything else, only yogurt. It’s been several months. Occasionally we can get her to eat cheese or a couple of pieces of cereal, but that’s it. I’m getting a little worried.
Love this debunking! The birth order one seems especially resistant to debunking–probably because everyone knows someone who fits the characteristics of the stereotypes. The other thing that's important to understand about birth order studies is that they're usually not longitudinal. In other words, they're not comparing say a first born at 3 yo and a second born at 3 yo. They compare a first born at 5 yo to a second born at 3 yo, and, guess what, they're different!
I used to wake my kids from a nap to make sure they didn't sleep past 4 pm. It was ugly, but necessary for them to get decent sleep at night.