Parent Self-Regulation

The science behind staying calm, cool, and collected with your children

Nov 07, 2024

Source: Gustavo Fring/Pexels

Parenting young children often seems to require super-human self-regulation abilities. Before having kids, you may have considered yourself a very calm and patient person, and now you may find yourself losing your cool on a regular basis. Why does this happen?!? It might be frustrating but it makes sense why young kids push our emotional regulation abilities to their limits. First, you take a normal, well-regulated adult and you put them in a situation in which they are sleep-deprived and unable to meet their own basic needs, then you surround them with miniature versions of themselves that lack all rationality and even common decency and constantly remind you of your own shortcomings and childhood trauma. When you think about it this way, it is a miracle that any parents ever stay calm and collected!

Yet, despite how hard it is, we all know that regulating our own emotions is important. Any parent who has ever lost their temper knows that it feels awful and usually makes the situation worse. So how can we become more self-regulated as parents? A better understanding of the research on self-regulation may help.

What is Self-Regulation?

Parent self-regulation refers to the ability to stay calm and effectively parent in situations that might be triggering for you. Self-regulation is believed to include three components:

A biological component: how quickly your body goes into “flight or fight” mode
An emotional/”feeling” component: how you manage the feelings of frustration, helplessness, overwhelm, etc. come up during challenging moments
A cognitive/”thinking” component: the extent to which you can control negative thoughts that you are having in that moment and inhibit an impulsive response

Why Does It Matter?

Self-regulation has consistently been associated with better parenting skills and better outcomes in children. A meta-analysis of 53 studies found that parents with better self-regulation skills showed more positive parenting skills and had children with better regulation themselves and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression.

The ability to regulate your emotions as a parent seems to impact the parenting decisions you make. A recent study found that when parents are more self-regulated they are more likely to use strategies that promote healthy emotional development such as talking about emotions, showing empathy for their children’s emotions, and encouraging their children to use problem-solving and to express their emotions in healthy ways. These types of strategies are associated with children learning emotional regulation themselves.

On the other hand, research finds that parents who have difficulty with self-regulation are more likely to use harsh punishment, such as yelling, spanking, or shaming children. Most of us know that harsh punishment is ineffective and may lead to children having their own problems with self-regulation in the future. Harsh discipline seems to be particularly ineffective when it is emotional or impulsive, as is often the case when it occurs due a lack of self-regulation

Why Do Some Parents Struggle More with Self Regulation?

Self-regulation is always hard when faced with a tantruming toddler or a school-age child that refuses to listen, but it seems to be more difficult for some parents than others. Why might this be? It is likely related to differences in executive function abilities (translation: a set of skills that allows you to manage your thoughts, plan, think flexibly, and inhibit your impulsive responses) and/or differences in emotional and biological reactivity (translation: how easily you become upset and how easily your body goes into flight or fight mode; see here for review). To understand this, think of a car. Some people go from 0 to 60 more easily than others (this is biological and emotional reactivity) and lack the brakes, steering, and gear shifting abilities to keep the car under control (this is executive functioning).

However, just because you are more reactive and less well-regulated, it does not in any way mean that you are a “bad parent". Research finds that the biological and hormonal changes that happen when you become a parent actually make all parents more sensitive to their child’s distress. In other words, getting upset when your child is upset is something all parents experience to some degree and it is likely an evolutionary adaptation. Some research even shows that more empathetic parents may struggle the most with regulating themselves. Research finds that mothers who are highly empathetic have difficulty being effective parents when they also have increased reactivity. Neuroscience research backs this up, finding that mothers who experience more personal distress in response to the distress of others show greater cortisol (translation: the stress hormone) and greater activation of the hypothalamus and amygdala (translation: brain regions involved in “flight or fight”). In particular, research finds that affective empathy (translation: you really “feel” your child’s pain) is related to problems with emotional regulation. This makes sense because really being able to feel your child’s pain would make it harder not to get upset when they are upset. While feeling this pain can make you more likely to lose your cool, research finds that it also provides priceless benefits as a parent since it means your child will feel truly validated and seen.

How Do You Improve Self-Regulation?

So there is nothing “wrong” with you if you struggle with self-regulation but you may still want to improve upon this skill set because it may ultimately help you to become more of the parent that you want to be. So how do you actually stay regulated while doing the hardest job in the world?

Remember that self-regulation involves three components (biological, emotional/feeling, and cognitive/thinking). To effectively regulate yourself, try to address each of these three components. It might take some trial and error to see what strategies work best for you.

Biological: First try to calm your body and your biological response. How can you do this?
1. Walk away or take a break: Take a time-out from the situation however you can. If it isn’t safe to leave the room, simply turn away or close your eyes for a minute to allow yourself to calm down. It might seem counterintuitive but research finds that sitting quietly reduces anger to a greater extent than expressing it (such as punching a pillow). Evidence-based marriage interventions (such as The Gottman method) similarly recommend taking a break during heated moments2 to calm down.
2. Deep breathing: Research finds that taking slow, deep breaths really does help your body to calm down. Try a few different types of deep breathing to see what works best for you.
3. Practice mindfulness: Research finds that mindfulness may improve parent over-reactivity. Mindfulness can help to improve emotion regulation by reducing the reactivity of areas of the brain related to emotion. Practicing mindfulness doesn’t have to mean dedicating an hour per day to meditating— you can simply try to notice what is happening in your body and the world around you more often. It can be particularly helpful to try to use these skills when you start getting dysregulated— notice where you are feeling the emotion, how it changed your heart rate and breathing, whether your muscles feel more tense, etc.
Emotional: It can also be helpful to focus on your emotional response
1. Feel your emotions and don’t suppress them: Accept that you are angry, sad, frustrated, or whatever you are feeling and don’t suppress it by pretending like everything is fine to your children or anyone else. Research finds that suppressing emotions may negatively impact the parent-child interaction and actually cause more stress in children. It is also not an effective strategy for dealing with emotions. Research finds that suppressing emotions leads to more negative emotions and less positive emotions. Instead of suppressing emotions, accept and label them and model healthy coping skills.
2. Have self-compassion: Research finds that having self-compassion may be an effective strategy for regulating your emotions. Tell yourself that it is completely understandable why you would feel the way you do and that you are trying your best. If you are struggling to find self-compassion, imagine what you would say to a friend in the same situation.
3. Recognize your triggers: There are a lot of situations that happen as a parent that cause you to become more upset than is warranted— this is commonly referred to as a trigger. A common one for parents is your child not listening or deliberately disobeying you. It can feel like a personal affront but it really has nothing to do with you. Try to recognize which situations are triggering for you— just being aware of your triggers can take away some of their power.
Cognitive: The way you think about the situation may help to calm you down
1. Try to think about the situation in a different way: This is a strategy that psychologists call cognitive reappraisal. This strategy has been linked with feeling more positive emotions. Ask yourself: What is a more positive way you could view the situation? Is there anything that you could be grateful for in this situation? Could this be a learning opportunity for you or your child?
2. Remind yourself that it is developmentally normal behavior and not personal: Most of the behavior that frustrates us as parents, such as temper tantrums, not listening, and even aggression, is developmentally normal for young children. Simply reminding yourself that it is normal for a young child to act in this way and does not mean you are a bad parent or that there is anything wrong with your child can help you to calm down
3. Put their behavior in context: It is easy to get wrapped up in your emotions and forget that the situation is actually not as bad as you are making it out to be. Ask yourself whether this is an emergency or if your body is just telling you that it is. Ask yourself whether this situation will matter a week from now (or if it will even matter tomorrow). Remind yourself that getting angry or yelling will only make the situation worse
4. Use positive self-talk to increase your self-confidence: Tell yourself that you are a great parent and capable of handling this situation. Research finds that simply believing you are a good parent actually improves your parenting skills (read more here).
5. Go into problem-solving mode: Think of how you can solve the problem by coming up with possible solutions and evaluating each one. Research finds that therapists rank problem-solving as the most effective method for emotional regulation.

If these strategies don’t seem to be working and you feel like you struggle more than the average parent with self-regulation, then consult with a mental health professional. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other conditions may contribute to self-regulation issues and treating these conditions may help.

Above all, remember that self-regulation as a parent is like a muscle, the more you work it, the stronger it will become. Every time you effectively stay calm you are building this muscle. So the next time you lose your cool, don’t add shame onto the fire but instead see it as a golden opportunity to model healthy regulation for your child.

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