Parenting Hack: Believe You Are a Good Parent and You Will Become One
Research finds that simply believing you are a good parent may improve your parenting skills
Today’s newsletter will be the first of a series of newsletters throughout the summer with simple “parenting hacks.” When I say “parenting hack,” I don’t mean a creative use for paper towel rolls but rather an easy takeaway from the research that you can apply to make your everyday life as a parent a little easier.
On a programming note, I am planning to review the research behind the American Academy of Pediatrics “Safe Sleep” guidelines next week. I decided to wait an additional week to get some consultation from pediatricians in order to make sure that the newsletter is as accurate and as helpful as possible for you!
Audio Version of this Newsletter:
Parenting Hack #1: Believe You Are a Good Parent and You Will Become a Good Parent (AND Improve Your Child’s Behavior)!
Researchers conducted an experiment in which they observed parents and children together and then, regardless of what they observed, told parents that, based on their observation, their child was healthy and well-adjusted and that they were a very effective parent (specifically, scoring in the top 20% of parents). This one instance of positive feedback had an immediate and positive impact on both the child’s and the parent’s behavior. Specifically, the mothers who were given this positive feedback showed enhanced emotional responsiveness, more positive emotions in the interaction with the child, less irritability with the child, and more support to the child. In other words, just believing in your ability as a parent results in better parenting.
Interestingly, the children whose parents were given the positive feedback also showed more positive emotions (smiled and laughed more) in the interaction, less irritability, and greater enthusiasm and persistence in play. These findings are particularly surprising since the researchers did not say anything to the children themselves. This suggests that having more confidence in your ability to parent also has a positive impact on your child.
Research also finds that not believing in yourself as a parent may result in a greater likelihood of resorting to ineffective parenting practices, such as using manipulation to try to control your child and using harsh punishments.
So since you likely don’t have researchers available to regularly remind you that you are an effective parent, how exactly do you increase your confidence as a parent?
Make a list of everything you do “right” as a parent (such as, telling your child you love them, remembering to make pediatrician appointments, listening to them when they are upset, reading them books most nights, etc.)
Tell yourself every day that you are the expert on your child and the best parent for your child. Remind yourself that no one else understands your child’s individual needs as well as you do. Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent, they only need you.
Avoid comparing yourself to other parents (particularly through the “highlight reel” that is social media). Remember that all parents struggle and make mistakes. Parenting is universally difficult.
Ask family and friends to help you by identifying some of your strengths as a parent. If you have a co-parenting partner, discuss a plan for providing each other with this type of positive feedback regularly.
If you feel guilty about not being a “good enough” parent or are beating yourself up for a parenting mistake that you made, imagine what you would tell a friend if they were in the same situation. Now give yourself the same grace that you would give a friend.
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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to three children (currently an almost-2-year-old, 4-year-old, and 6-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).
DISCLAIMER: The information and advice in this newsletter is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other professions. Call your medical, mental health professional, or 911 for all emergencies. Dr. Cara Goodwin is not liable for any advice or information provided in this newsletter.