Why Parenting Scripts Fail (and What Actually Works)

The research suggests there are more effective ways to tame tantrums

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!

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It seems that every parenting expert on the internet has a “script” for what to say when your child is having a tantrum or meltdown. Some parenting influencers even imply that if you say exactly the right words at the right time, your child’s tantrum will will magically be “tamed.”

One of the most popular parenting accounts Big Little Feelings suggests that parents use scripts like this: “You’re frustrated because I won’t let you eat the dog food. It’s okay to feel frustrated.” [Also, try saying this with a straight face— I’ll bet you can’t!] These influencers then go on to claim that using scripts like this is: “the first and most critical step toward decreasing the intensity and duration of tantrums.”

It seems too good to be true, right? With promises like this, you might find it hard to believe that most psychologists actually recommend using very few words (or no words) during a tantrum. Research finds that using verbal explanation or reasoning in the heat of the moment doesn’t really seem to work, meaning that it doesn’t produce consistent or lasting change in behavior. A recent study also found that children tend to get more frustrated when parents label and empathize with their negative emotions. Most parents seem to agree with this research, reporting that these scripts often fall flat when their child is in the middle of a meltdown. Psychologist Mona Delahoke notes on her website that she polled hundreds of parents, and four out of five parents said that labeling emotions during a tantrum backfires, meaning it makes the child more upset.

If you’ve tried all of the scripts for tantrums and they don’t seem to work, you’re not alone. Let’s take a closer look at the research behind why scripts may not work, and what you can do instead.

Why Do Our Words Not Help During Tantrums?

1. When a child is upset, their executive functioning becomes impaired. (translation: the part of the brain responsible for processing, remembering, and later applying your words isn’t working effectively). So even if you’re saying something that your child would typically understand when they are calm, they may not be able to do so when they are upset.

2. Talking may encourage your child to respond to you verbally which may escalate their frustration. Research suggests that talking about what is upsetting while a child is still distressed may not be an effective emotion regulation strategy.

3. Not understanding or not being being able to effectively express themselves may increase frustration. Research suggests that difficulties with language are linked to more frequent tantrums.

4. Talking may be rewarding behaviors you would like to reduce. If your child is engaging in behaviors for the sake of gaining your attention such as whining or trying to annoy you, talking to them during this behavior would be rewarding it and thus making it more likely that they engage in it again in the future.

5. They may be experiencing sensory overwhelm. Research suggests that children with sensory sensitivities can have trouble processing language in an overwhelming environment. This means that your words, even kind and supportive words, may add to the overload rather than help soothe it.

So What Should You Do Instead?

1. Stay Calm: The most important thing you can do is to stay as calm as possible. Your goal is for your child to mirror your calm and to not escalate the tantrum in any way. It is extremely normal to feel irritated by your child’s behaviors during a tantrum. If you feel this way, it is a great opportunity to model emotional regulation. Part of your healthy emotional regulation may involve walking away for a moment to calm yourself down and that is more than okay. Research finds that when parents are agitated but pretend to be calm it may actually cause even more stress in kids and negatively impactsthe parent-child interaction. This means that if you are agitated, your kids will sense your agitation and any attempts at calming them down will not work. It is always better to get yourself to a more regulated place first!

2. Use nonverbal cues: Rather than using your words to calm down your child, nonverbal cues (facial expression, posture, gestures, or calming touch) may be more effective and not as overwhelming.

3. Encourage children to use signs and gestures: Research finds that children may be more likely to use gestures than words during times of distress. Teach your child simple signs or gestures such as the sign for “help me” or “more” or reaching out their hands when they want a hug.

4. Try the “One-Up” Rule: Many speech-language therapists and psychologists recommend sticking to phrases that are “one-up” from your child’s current language level when they are upset. So for example if your child is only using one-word phrases, then try two-word phrases (such as “Need help?” or “All done”) to increase the chance that they will be able to process what you are saying during times of heightened emotion. For older children, you want to use language that is only slightly more complicated than the language that they use. It can also be helpful to be as literal and concrete as possible (such as saying “hitting hurts” rather than “hitting is not kind”).

5. Be particularly cautious about telling them how to feel: Telling children how to feel (such as “don’t be so sad”) can be invalidating and research finds that these types of statements may negatively impact children’s self-regulation abilities.

6. Give them space to self-soothe to the best of their ability and solve the problem independently before intervening: If we step in every single time that our children are upset and co-regulate and solve the problem for them, they never have the chance to develop these abilities on their own.

7. Use language after your child calms down: You words are important and research does find many benefits of using your words for emotional coaching (translation: labeling and validating their emotions). The key is timing. When your child starts calming down, you may want to start talking about their emotions but make sure you keep your language simple and pair these discussions with emotional regulation strategies.

Overall Translation

If you ever tried telling a very angry child “You feel frustrated right now,” you know that these types of parenting scripts don’t always work in the heat of the moment. Of course, our words do matter, and talking about emotions and teaching coping and problem-solving skills are essential for helping children develop self-regulation. Yet, research suggests that talking too much during times of distress may not be helpful, and in some cases may even make a child more upset. Instead of jumping straight into verbal reasoning, parents may want to first focus on maintaining their own calm and simply giving non-verbal cues that they are calm and well-regulated themselves. As the child calms down, parents can label their emotions and empathize with the child. When the child has become completely calm, parents can then try problem-solving with them (for example, “What could you have done instead of hitting your brother?”).

A very important caveat here is that every child is different and parents should also observe what works for their individual child. Some children might respond well to verbal reassurance when they are upset, while others prefer quiet, physical comfort or even a little space or alone time. Your child’s preferences may also change depending on the setting and the emotion they are feeling. Above all, trust your instincts rather than a canned script from a parenting influencer. Your authentic self is what your child needs more than anything.

Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

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