How to Encourage Sharing

The research behind teaching your child to share and whether you should make your child share

Oct 25, 2023

Source: Cottonbro Studio/Pexels

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“That’s mine!” “I wasn’t done playing with that yet!” “Gimme it!” For parents of young children, these cries of not wanting to share are perhaps all too familiar. You might find yourself wondering how to teach sharing to a child who has no interest in learning this skill or whether you should give in to the playground pressure to just make your children share with others whether they like it or not. In today’s newsletter, we’re going to dive into the research on when and how kids learn to share and what we, as parents, can do to encourage sharing in our own children.

It’s likely no surprise to anyone reading this that sharing is hard for most kids – heck, it can be hard for us adults! Imagine you were sending an important email and someone asked you to share your phone or computer with them. This is likely how your child feels when asked to share a toy that they are actively playing with.

Sharing is a complex skill that children learn gradually over several years. And just like other behaviors and skills that develop slowly during childhood, such as learning to talk or play independently, we won't see progress over night. Even so, sharing is one of the most important social skills we can help our children learn. Knowing how to share allows kids to play well with others, build strong friendships, and connect with people through shared experiences and emotions. It also prepares children for success in classroom settings where sharing materials, taking turns, and working as a team are everyday occurrences. So what are the different stages of learning to share, and how can we help our kids master this essential ability?

Laying the Groundwork: Ages 0-2 Years

While your baby definitely won’t be doing a lot of sharing at this age, they will be learning some of the basic skills that make sharing possible. This includes mastering joint attention (translation: when two people pay attention to the same thing at the same time). Babies learn how to respond to signals of joint attention, such as following someone’s eye gaze or point, by 12 months, and shortly afterwards they learn how to initiate joint attention themselves, such as holding up a toy to show their parent or pointing to an airplane in the sky. If your toddler has ever been endlessly entertained by handing you all of their toys one- by- one, it’s probably because they’re enjoying initiating joint attention with you! Babies are also learning the basics of turn-taking during these early years by listening to and eventually engaging in back-and-forth conversations. Finally, as your baby gets closer to their second birthday, they might actually begin to start sharing occasionally with others. Multiple research studies have shown that around two years of age, toddlers are willing and eager to share objects with another person, but they usually need the help of an adult, such as the other person asking for the object directly or holding out their open hand to make it clear that they want the child to share with them.

What you can do to encourage sharing during this time:

Engage in joint attention with your baby, especially when they begin to initiate it. Research finds that infants who engage in joint attention more often also have better early communication skills. Remember that joint attention just means paying attention to the same thing at the same time. So look at picture books together, explore a new toy together, or simply notice what they’re paying attention to and then label or describe that object for them.
Have back-and-forth “conversations”. When you finish a sentence, pause and give your baby a moment to respond, maybe with a noise, facial expression, or movement, and then continue talking in this back-and-forth style interaction. You can also sing a familiar song or read a familiar book and pause at a part they know and wait for them to fill in the word or phrase. Even if your child is not talking yet, once they start babbling you can even babble back to them as if you are having a babble conversation!
Practice turn-taking during play time. Take turns adding blocks to a tower, turning the pages in a book, or putting toys back in their basket. Use the words “your turn” and “my turn” as you alternate to help your toddler further grasp the concept. This kind of everyday practice will not only help your little one master this important skill, but research suggests that infants and children are more likely to help or share with someone after a back-and-forth turn-taking play interaction compared to when they are playing side-by-side with someone.

Practicing the Basics: Ages 2-4 Years

This is the time when you’ll start to see your child engage in a lot more sharing behavior, especially after they turn 3. At the same time, your child still needs a lot of help expressing their needs and regulating their emotions, and this can make sharing with others particularly tricky for toddlers and preschoolers. In fact, several studies show that even though children as young as 3 understand that sharing is the “right thing to do,” they still struggle when it comes to actually sharing with others. We also know that modeling sharing in our own behavior is incredibly important at this age since a recent study found that 3- and 4-year-olds were less likely to share after witnessing someone else behave selfishly.

What you can do to encourage sharing during this time:

Set a good example for your child. Model respectful, cooperative behavior with others, including turn-taking and sharing. Describe why you decided to share and how sharing makes you and the people around you feel, as research suggests talking about emotions with your child may help them learn to share with others.
Help them navigate big feelings and tough situations. Offer support, validate their emotions, and suggest alternatives if your child is struggling to wait their turn. (“I know you really want a turn on the swings. It can be hard to wait and I see that you’re frustrated. Why don’t we play on the slide until they’re done with their turn on the swings?”) Practice how to ask someone else for a turn, or to ask if they could take a shorter turn if it’s been a long time.
Make sharing more concrete. It is hard for children to understand abstract concepts like sharing or taking turns. Try to make sharing more concrete for them by using timers or turn-taking cards.
Use positive attention and praise to encourage sharing. We know that providing praise and positive reinforcement is a great way to help children learn what they’re doing well. So rather than only reprimanding them for not sharing, try to notice when your child does share successfully and give them praise and attention to let them know they did a good job (“I like how you shared that toy with your sister. That was a very kind thing to do.”)
Continue to practice sharing through stories and play. Use pretend play scenarios with puppets, dolls, stuffed animals, or other toys to act out sharing and turn-taking. Read age-appropriate books about sharing and talk about what’s happening in the story and how the characters are feeling. Research shows kids as young as 18 months can learn and imitate new behaviors from books. Some examples of books about sharing include Sharing Time (ages 1-3), Friends Ask First (ages 2-3), Jacky and Raff and the Truth About “Mine” (ages 3-7), and Teach Your Dragon to Share (ages 4-8).

Honing Their Skills: Ages 4-7 Years

As your child gets older, their understanding of when and how much they should share with someone else will become more nuanced and situation-dependent. For example, studies have found that older children tend to share more items with a friend than a stranger, and that they take effort into account by sharing more with someone who worked harder than others. They’re also starting to understand how others will view them based on their choices, and are likely to share more in situations when others are watching. Another major shift that’s happening during these early school-age years is that kids will begin placing increasingly high value on fair outcomes – there’s even evidence that older children would rather throw away an extra item rather than share the items unequally! However, it’s important to keep age-appropriate expectations in mind and remember that sharing is often still difficult for older kids as well. While research shows that even very young children understand that they should share fairly, it’s not until age 7 that their behavior starts to consistently align with this understanding.

What you can do to encourage sharing during this time:

Play games that involve taking turns. Continue to practice turn-taking with your child by playing age-appropriate games with simple rules that involve taking turns. Some examples of these kinds of games include Go Fish, Candy Land, Sorry, Trouble, Chutes & Ladders, Tic Tac Toe, Connect 4, Uno, Twister, and Jenga.
Create opportunities for collaboration and problem-solving with peers. Peer interactions offer important opportunities for your child to practice their developing social skills. When your child has a friend over for a play date, suggest different cooperative games or activities that the kids could do together. This could include working together to build a block tower or solve a puzzle, or sharing materials for an arts and crafts project. If any sharing disputes come up, involve the kids in the problem-solving process, or see if they can come up with a solution together before needing you to step in and help (“You both want to play with the ball. How could we solve this problem?”).
Make time to share thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Encourage your child to share their thoughts and ideas with you and engage in back-and-forth discussions with them. Provide opportunities to share thoughts and feelings at home, such as having everyone take turns sharing about their day during dinner.

Should You Make Your Child Share?

Parents of young children often make their children “share” or “take turns” with their friends or siblings. But is this the best approach? Does this practice actually encourage children to share in the future?

A study published in the journal Psychological Science found that when preschoolers shared a toy or sticker by their own choice, they were more likely to share in the future. The researchers found that the children who chose on their own to share the sticker or toy were more likely to share in the future when compared the children who were instructed by researchers to share. Children were also more likely to share in the future if they gave the toy or sticker to a puppet who was “sad” than simply put the toy or sticker in a box, suggesting that it is the social reward of sharing that increased their likeliness to share in the future.

TRANSLATION: Instead of telling your children to “share” and “take turns” give them the time and space to choose to share on their own. Explain to your child how the other person might feel when you do or do not share. When they do share, notice and praise this behavior.

Overall Translation

Sharing is a valuable life-long skill that takes time and practice to learn.No matter how old your child is, you can encourage positive cooperative behavior by setting a good example and modeling the kind of behavior you’d like to see from your kids.Remember that sharing may come more naturally to some children than others, but you can always help your child by providing additional support, positive attention, and ample opportunities to practice.Keeping the developmental stages of sharing in mind can help you avoid having unrealistic expectations for your child’s behavior, but also know that every kid learns and develops at their own pace. If you are ever concerned about your child’s behavior or their developing social skills, you should consult with your child’s teacher or pediatrician.

Thank you to Parenting Translator intern and PhD student, Johanna Chajes, for her contributions to writing and researching this newsletter!

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How to Encourage Sharing

The research behind teaching your child to share and whether you should make your child share

Source: Cottonbro Studio/Pexels

Laying the Groundwork: Ages 0-2 Years

Practicing the Basics: Ages 2-4 Years

Honing Their Skills: Ages 4-7 Years

Should You Make Your Child Share?

Overall Translation

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