How To Be a "Good Parent" When You Didn't Have One

The research behind whether you are destined to repeat your parents' mistakes

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It happens to all of us— nearly every parent has a moment when they say or do something and wonder “Am I turning into my mother/father?!?” Particularly in times of stress or overwhelm, it is very common to default to parenting in the same way your parents did. For some parents— those who don't want to repeat the mistakes of their own parents, this experience is beyond frustrating and they may feel desperate for any way to break this generational cycle. For those of us who had positive parent role models (as I was fortunate enough to have myself), we might wonder whether we will automatically emulate our parents’ example. So does research really find that you are destined to parent in the same way as your own parents? And is there anything you can do if you want to do better?

Are You Destined to Parent in the Same Way as Your Parents?

Research consistently finds that people are slightly more likely to parent in the same way that their own parents did and it seems that both positive and negative parenting skills are passed down from generation to generation. For example, people who have experienced harsh discipline are more likely to harshly discipline their own children and people who experienced aggressive parents are more likely to be aggressive with their children. Similarly, people with parents who spanked are likely to be more approving of physical discipline. On the other hand, people who experienced positive parenting in childhood (such as consistent discipline and acceptance) show more positive parenting as adults themselves. Another study found that having more affectionate parents was associated with more positive parenting of your own kids while having more controlling parents was associated with more negative parenting of your own kids. Research has yet to tease apart the extent to which this generational pattern is nature or nurture— but it is safe to say that it is probably a little bit of both.

But Is This True for Everyone?

Don’t give up and resign yourself to becoming your mother/father yet! Research only finds a modest relationship between parenting in one generation to the next so clearly a lot of people break the cycle. Even in the most extreme examples of childhood abuse and mistreatment, most people do not repeat this generational pattern. Research estimates that only 30% of adults who were mistreated go on to mistreat their own children, meaning 70% do not mistreat their children. Research also finds that the parenting and family climate that adults experienced only explains 15% of differences in their own parenting for mothers and only 3% of differences in parenting for fathers. Another study found that only 14% to 16% of the variance in parenting was explained by how you were parented. The lack of a stronger relationship between parenting from generation to the next suggests that different life factors may influence the extent to which you follow in your parents’ footsteps in terms of parenting.

Why Do Some Parents Repeat the Parenting They Experienced Whereas Others Do Not?

Research has provided some insight into our understanding of why some people parent in the same way as their parents and others do not by studying the other factors that might influence this relationship.

First, research finds that having other supportive relationships with friends and family makes it more likely that positive parenting is passed on to the next generation. The researchers also found that participating in more social activities increases the chances that parents emulate the positive parenting they saw from their own parents. Similarly, research finds that a parents’ social skills influence the extent to which parenting quality is passed down from one generation to the next. This may be because parenting quality either improves or hurts the social skills of the child which then impacts their parenting skills for their own children. Together, these findings suggest that working on social skills and prioritizing other social relationships may help to enhance the likelihood that positive parenting skills are passed on.

Another recent study found that parents who showed high levels of parenting self-efficacy and effective coping skills were found to score high in terms of positive parenting, even if they did not have a positive parent themselves. TRANSLATION: Parenting self-efficacy means believing that you can have a positive impact on your child (aka parenting self-confidence)— you can read more about this topic here. Active coping skills refer to having effective strategies for dealing with negative emotions or parenting stress (for example, talking to others about your problem or calming yourself down using deep breathing before using any form of discipline). On the other hand, the researchers found that, when parents showed lower levels of parenting self-confidence and poorer active coping skills, they were more likely to repeat their own parents’ mistakes with their children.

Overall Translation

You may be slightly more likely to parent in a similar way to your parents but you are not destined to repeat your parents’ mistakes. Most people break the cycle of negative parenting. Having other positive social skills and relationships, having parenting self-confidence, and using active coping skills may help you to be “good parent” even if you didn’t have one.

How Do You Apply This to Your Own Life?

After reading this research, you might be wondering how you can apply this to your own life and either break the generational cycle of negative parenting or increase the chances of being a positive parent like your own parents were. Here are some tips I would suggest based on this research:

1. Make a list of everything you do “right” as a parent (telling your child you love them frequently, remembering to make pediatrician appointments, listening to them when they are upset, etc). Instead of focusing on the negative try to focus on the positive.

2. Tell yourself that you are the expert on your child and to trust your own intuition. Remember that only “good parents” worry about being a “good parent.”

3. Avoid comparing yourself to other parents (particularly through social media) and realize that your perception of other parents is not always the reality

4. Ask family and friends to help you to build your parenting self-confidence by identifying some of your strengths as a parent. If you have a co-parenting partner, you can provide this positive feedback to each other regularly! 

5. Research finds that having other positive relationships makes it more likely that an individual will “break the cycle” of negative parenting. Seek out positive relationships with family, friends, a therapist, coworkers, etc. These relationships can provide positive models for you that will improve your parenting skills.

6. Work on social skills you might have missed in developing during childhood with a mental health professional, through a social skills group for adults, or by practicing social skills with a trusted friend or family member.

7. If you feel guilty about not being a “good enough” parent, imagine what you would tell a friend if they were feeling guilty about a particular behavior.

8. Work on developing some effective coping strategies, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or seeking help from others when you are struggling. If you are having trouble with developing coping skills that actually work, seek help from a mental health professional (this is why us mental health professionals have a job— everyone needs help coping).

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a baby, 3-year-old, 5-year-old, and 8-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.org).

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