Do You Have a Favorite Child?

The most recent research on how and why parents have favorite children and what you can do about it

Source: Danik Prihodko/Pexels

“I don’t have a favorite child— I love you all equally” is something all parents of more than one child have been programmed to say. However, if you have more than one child yourself or you come from a family with more than one child, you may have wondered if this is really true. If you suspect that your own parents have a favorite child or you sometimes feel like you might have a favorite child, you aren’t alone. In fact, research finds that 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers report that they give preferential treatment to one child over another. The “favorite child” drama does not end in childhood— research suggests that concerns about parents’ favoritism persist even into adulthood.

So what do we know from the research about favorite children and preferential treatment? And, most importantly, what can you do to make sure that your children aren’t negatively impacted by perceived (or real) preferential treatment?

How Do I Know if I Have a Favorite Child?

If you are thinking that this research could never apply to you since you don’t have a favorite child, think again. Even if you are a parent who has sworn never to have favorites, you may find yourself wanting to be around the child who is challenging you the least at any given time, favoring your younger child in a sibling argument, or spending the most time with the child who needs you the most. Of course, differential treatment is very normal and understandable. Who wouldn’t prefer playing one of your favorite board games with your 10-year-old over arguing with your toddler about why they have to wear socks? Or who wouldn’t prefer cuddling with their preschooler over being pushed away by a moody teenager? And let’s all be honest— some children are just easier to parent than other children regardless of their age or stage. It is also hard not to have a natural affinity towards a child who shares your temperament (such as being more calm or more extroverted) or who has common interests.

These types of temporary stages of preferential treatment aren’t what researchers and psychologists are worried about and likely won’t have a negative impact on children. However, all parents need to be careful that these brief periods of differential treatment don’t become a consistent pattern of favoritism. So what exactly does it mean to be the favorite child? The favorite child is not necessarily more loved by the parent. Researchers define favoritism as a family dynamic in which either parents show a consistent pattern of preferential treatment in any of the following areas: affection (physical affection, verbal expressions of love, praise, etc.), less conflict with parents, more resources from parents (including time, attention, material items, and financial resources), and more autonomy or freedom.

How Does This Impact the Non-Favorite Child?

Research finds that being the non-favorite child is not just an annoyance but is associated with worse outcomes in children. In particular, research finds that the child who is not the favorite tends to show more mental health concerns, more behavior problems, more problems in school, worse self-regulation skills, and more relationship problems. Even adult children report feeling more depressed and more signs of narcissism when they think their mother prefers a sibling. The non-favorite child also has a worse relationship with their parents in adulthood.

You be wondering, well, which comes first— Are parents less likely to favor a child because they have more problems or does parental favoritism cause a child to develop more problems? We can’t definitively answer that question with the research we currently have. However, longitudinal research finds that as children experience less favoritism over time, they are more likely to develop more behavior problems, suggesting that parental favoritism may be playing a role in causing these negative impacts.

How Does This Impact the Favorite Child?

Preferential treatment is also not great for the favorite child. There is some evidence that the preferred child may struggle in adulthood due to feeling too much pressure. The favored child may also be more likely to have the burden of taking care of their parent as they age. Although being the favorite child is generally associated with a better relationship with parents, being extremely favored is associated with a worse relationship with parents.

How Does This Impact the Sibling Relationship?

One of the most consistent and clear findings in this area of research is that parental favoritism spells bad news for the sibling relationship. Specifically, research finds that favoritism among children is linked to problems in the sibling relationship and increased sibling fighting and tension . Research also finds that favoritism hurts the sibling relationship for both the favored and the unfavored offspring since the favorite child may feel guilt while the non-favorite child might feel jealousy. Favoritism isn’t just a cause of fights but is also associated with less closeness among siblings. This may be particularly true when children see the preferential treatment of their sibling as unfair or unjustified. One study found that when older children understood why parents were giving differential treatment (such as explaining why their baby sibling doesn’t have to go to school but they do), they were more likely to perceive it as fair and more likely to have warmer and closer relationships with younger siblings. Research also finds that families that have a shared understanding of exactly what “fair treatment” looks like have more positive sibling relationships, yet these discussions seem to rarely occur in families. The negative impact of parental favoritism on sibling relationships seems to continue into adulthood and it seems to be the memory of favoritism in childhood rather than current favoritism that is associated with the most tension in adult sibling relationships.

Which Child Is Usually the Favorite?

It can be helpful to understand which children tend to be the favorite because this gives us insight into why favoritism occurs and how we can manage it. So which children tend to be the favorite? A recent paper summarizing the research found that the following children tend to be favored:

1. Younger siblings: Parents tend to favor younger siblings over older siblings. Children report that their younger siblings are more likely to get preferential treatment including more affection and more leniency. Yet 78% of children indicate that the preferential treatment is “fair”— perhaps because they realize that their younger siblings have different needs. However, parents tend to favor older siblings versus younger siblings in terms of granting them more freedom and autonomy. Although this makes sense in childhood when older siblings are usually more capable of handling this freedom, this differential treatment seems to persist into adulthood when all siblings should be equally capable of handling these responsibilities. Not surprisingly for those of us who are middle children, middle children are the least likely to be favored.

2. Daughters: Parents tend to report that they slightly favor daughters over sons (for both mothers and fathers). Researchers speculate this may be because parents seem to think girls are easier to parent than boys as girls may show less challenging behavior, less aggression, and more affection.

3. “Easier” children: Parents tend to slightly favor conscientious children (translation: more responsible and careful children) and agreeable children (translation: kind and cooperative children). This small effect may be because these children are more enjoyable to parent and parents are less likely to have conflict with them.

4. Children that share your values: Research in adult children indicates that the favored child usually shares values with the parents. Interestingly, this research in adults does not find that achievements determine whether you are favored.

So What Should You Do?

At this point, you might find all of this research very concerning. You might be thinking “Okay so nearly all parents have a favorite child and this very common practice is linked to serious negative impacts— it feels hopeless!” So what can you do in your family to prevent your children from suffering due to this potential dynamic?

1. Have open communication: Listen to your children when they are telling you that your treatment is unfair and validate their feelings even if your treatment is justified. Don’t just dismiss their concerns. Even if they don’t ask about favoritism, explain to them why there might be differential treatment (even if it’s obvious to you). For example, explain why you grant more autonomy to the oldest or pay more attention to the baby. Research finds when children understand why there is preferential treatment and when the family is on the same page about the differential treatment it doesn’t impact the sibling relationship

2. Explain to your kids the idea that “fair is not equal”: In other words, you can provide fair treatment without providing equal treatment. For example, your oldest child may be able to stay up until 9pm, which seems unequal if your younger children go to bed 8pm but it is fair because your older child’s body needs less sleep and your younger children will get to stay up to the same time when they are the same age. Explain to them that your job as a parent is not to provide equal treatment but to provide fair treatment that is responsive to each child’s needs, wants, and personality.

3. Be careful of common patterns and work to correct them: This research informs us that most parents tend to give more preferential treatment to younger children, daughters, and “easier” children. They also tend to give the oldest the most autonomy and side with the youngest in a conflict. Be careful that you are not showing these same patterns in your own family.

4. Watch out for this vicious cycle with your non-favorite child: Parents often get into vicious cycles in which the child with the most challenging behavior is their least preferred child. They then give that child less positive attention, which results in the child showing even more challenging behavior. This then results in the child being even less preferred and the cycle goes on and on. Stop this cycle dead in its tracks by making a conscious effort to give your most “difficult” child a lot of positive attention for what they do right and spend special one-on-one time with this child to “fill their cup” with positive parental attention whenever you can.

5. Be careful not to label your children: If you have more than one child, it is easy to want to label them such as calling one child the “smart one” and one the “athletic one,” or calling one child your “best helper” or “best behaved.” Labels like these can be perceived as signs of favoritism (if your child thinks you value intelligence over athleticism for example) and may put unnecessary pressure on kids even if they are true.

6. Seek family therapy if it does not improve: If you have a consistent and strong preference for one child over another, it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person or a bad parent but you may want to seek help from a family therapist to make sure it doesn’t negatively impact your child.

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 1-year-old, 4-year-old, 6-year-old, and 9-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

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