Bonus Newsletter: How to Use Time-Out According to Research

Research-backed ways to use time-out with your children

You can listen to this newsletter by clicking the link below:

Source: Anna Shvets/Pexels

Today’s newsletter is a follow-up to last week’s newsletter, in which I reviewed the research on time-out in detail (if you missed it, read the full newsletter here). After reading this newsletter, some parents expressed concerns about time-out including that it shames children, isolates them, and does not teach important skills such as emotional regulation. These are very valid concerns and it is so important for parents to remember that if time-out doesn’t feel right for you or for your child or doesn’t fit with your style of parenting, you don't have to use time-out. However, a lot of these concerns arise because the understanding of time-out in popular culture is very different from time-out as it is recommended by professionals and described in the research.

As I explain in the previous newsletter, every family has to decide for themselves whether they will use time-out and only you as a parent know what is right for your child and your family. However, I also think that it is important that families who do want to try time-out know how to use time-out effectively (according to research). Research finds that most websites on time-out (75%) contained contradictory information and the researchers couldn’t find any websites that provided information on how to implement time-out according to research. This is a huge problem since research also finds that 85% of parents do not implement time-out correctly.

If you do choose to use time-out, research provides the following guidance to make time-out more effective and as positive as possible for you and your child: 

1. Provide a fun, engaging environment for your child most of the time. Research suggests that time-out only works when children experience a lot of parent attention, positive interactions, and fun activities during the time they are not in time-out (otherwise time-out will not be significantly different than the rest of their day). During the time your child is not in time-out, you should be validating emotions, providing empathy, teaching children appropriate behavior, giving positive attention to your child, and praising the positive opposite behavior (for example, saying “I love how you are sharing with your brother” every time you see sharing rather than only noticing when they don’t share). These strategies will help to teach children important skills such as emotional regulation and prevent the behaviors that might lead to time-out.

2. Before starting to use time-out, choose one or two behaviors ahead of time and explain to your child that those behaviors will result in time-out. Possible behaviors to target could include hitting or other forms of aggression, not listening to important directions, throwing items, or sibling fighting. Explain to your child exactly what time-out means (“You will walk over to this chair here and stay seated for just a few minutes to take a little break”), what is expected of them in time-out (“You will just sit here and try to calm down. You can use the deep breathing we practiced if you want to”), and when it will be over (“After a few minutes when you are calm, I will tell you that time-out is over and you can come back over here and play with me”).

3. When possible, give the child a brief and calm warning before time-out happens. For example, “If you push your brother again, you will need to go to time-out.” Research finds that giving your child a warning may reduce the number of time-outs you need to give your child.

4. If your child does not listen to the warning, calmly tell them the reason and ask them to go to time-out. For example, “You pushed your brother. Please go to time-out.” Research finds that children were less disruptive during time-out when they were given a reason. Do not lecture, scold, or shame them in any way.

5. Time-out should be boring but not unsafe or scary in any way. Time-out should be in a corner or a chair in the same room or nearby. For younger children or children with more separation anxiety, you may want them in the same room as you. While your child is in time-out, do not talk to them or provide access to any activities (TV, books, music, games). 

6. Physically placing the child in time-out should only be done if verbally asking the child to go to time-out does not work. Calmly return the child to time-out if they try to leave, as many times as needed. 

7. Time-out should be short (2 to 5 minutes, depending upon developmental level). There is no evidence that longer time-outs are more effective. 

8. Parents, not the child, determine when time-out is over and it usually only occurs when the child is calm and quiet. Research finds when parents use this approach time-out is more effective. 

9. If the child was sent to time-out for not following parents’ directions, the parent needs to repeat the direction after time-out so time-out doesn’t simply become a way of avoiding parent instruction. When the child follows the instruction when time-out is over, parents should praise and give them positive attention.

10. When time-out is over, move on and do not lecture or shame your child. Instead, try to find the next positive thing your child does and praise any positive behavior you see enthusiastically. Children may learn what not to do from time-out but they do not learn what to do. Therefore, it is important that parents actively teach these skills and praise and give a lot of positive attention to the behaviors they are trying to encourage.

Expert Review

All Parenting Translator are reviewed by experts in the topic to make sure that they are as helpful and as accurate for parents as possible. Today’s newsletter was reviewed by Dr. Jenna Elgin and Dr. Shanna Alvarez. Drs. Jenna Elgin and Shanna Alvarez are licensed psychologists and the founders of Helping Families Thrive (HFT). The mission at HFT is to bring parenting science to the everyday parent via easily-accessible, modern parenting resources (including social media, podcasts, blogging, e-courses, and workshops). They also provide direct clinical work with families and conduct trainings for schools and professional organizations. You can get their free emotion regulation guide here.

---

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

---

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to three children (currently an almost-2-year-old, 4-year-old, and 6-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information and advice in this newsletter is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other professions. Call your medical, mental health professional, or 911 for all emergencies. Dr. Cara Goodwin is not liable for any advice or information provided in this newsletter.