Are Trad Wives Really Happier?
The research explaining why Trad Wives might be happy with a role that you could never tolerate
Source: Ron Lach/Pexels
The recent media coverage of social media mega-influencer Hannah Neeleman of Ballerina Farm has brought Trad Wife movement into the spotlight and raised the question of whether women like Hannah are as happy as they portray themselves on social media. Could this life really be a blissful escape from the modern grind or is it all facade? Are these women really happy in their traditional marriages or have they been manipulated into a life of thankless unpaid labor? Surprisingly enough, research provides an explanation as to how Trad Wives might actually be happy with this seemingly unfair arrangement— but it doesn’t mean that the Trad Wife life is right for everyone.
The Trad Wife movement is based on the belief that men and women should assume “traditional” gender roles with women caring for the house and children, and with men providing financially and managing most decisions for the family. Although Hannah Neeleman of Ballerina Farm does not self-identify as a Trad Wife much less promote this lifestyle, many influencers on social media do identify with this label and are insistent that this way of life is superior.
One such influencer is Jasmine Dinis. On her Instagram account, Jasmine makes statements such as:
“I’m teaching my daughter that it’s perfectly acceptable to depend on a man. That being a home maker is the number one career she should strive for.”
“I used to be really into politics but now I just relax while my husband tells me what to think.”
“Research and experience have consistently shown that these traditional values and practices contribute to relationship stability and long-lasting marriages”
Another Trad Wife, Estee Williams, promotes dropping out of college and only leaving the house with your husband’s permission.
Like Jasmine and Estee, many Trad Wives on social media claim that being a traditional wife is the ideal arrangement for a happy marriage and family. Of course, the Trad Wife movement is problematic for many reasons. Most notably, traditional gender roles are only an option for wealthy families that include a man and woman married to each other, which means most families in the world are excluded right off the bat. It also goes without saying that most of what these Trad Wives are posting on social media is a performative fantasy life at best. Yet, it is hard not to wonder whether #tradwifelife is the easier and simpler way as you watch them blissfully making bread from scratch or homeschooling their ten children with a smile on their face. Clearly these Trad Wives are on to something— but are they really as happy as they claim?
Do Trad Wives Have Happier Marriages?
Many Trad Wives claim that women serving as homemakers and men serving as breadwinners is how marriage is “meant to be.” They often cite the lower divorce rates when traditional gender roles were more common. Of course, there are many problems with this argument— namely that when traditional gender roles were more common, there was more of a religious and cultural stigma around divorce and often women didn’t even have the legal or financial means to divorce during this time in history. In addition, these types of marriages are not really even “traditional.” These types of “traditional” marriages only emerged at the start of the industrial revolution and mostly only in wealthier White European and American families. But, putting these issues aside, are marriages with “traditional” gender roles more stable and are they actually happier?
First, the most recent research does not find any evidence that being a traditional wife protects you from divorce and even suggests that more egalitarian relationships may be more likely to stand the test of time. One study from Sweden found that couples in which housework was split equally were less likely to divorce or break up when compared to more traditional arrangements. If you feel like you have heard the opposite, it could be because this trend has been changing. Research finds that couples married before 1975 were more likely to get divorced when the women worked and completed fewer household tasks, but these factors did not seem to matter for couples married after 1975. Although divorce is more common now than in the 1950’s, divorce rates have been steadily declining from 2000, while the rate of women in the workforce has stayed stable (with the exception of a dip in 2020 during the pandemic) and relationships are becoming more egalitarian over time. Most young men and women also now report that they want an egalitarian relationship. Although the Trad Wife movement may be getting a lot of attention, the ideals for marriage for most people are clearly shifting.
So we don’t have clear evidence that being in a “traditional” marriage protects you from divorce but are traditional marriages happier? A large survey of married couples found that 81% of egalitarian couples report that they are happy while only 18% of “traditional” couples reported that they were happy. According to this research, egalitarian couples are 4.5 times more likely to be happily married than traditional couples. An equal division of labor for household tasks seems to be associated with better relationships for the most part (and by equal division most studies mean at least a 30%/70% split). Research consistently indicates that dividing housework equally is linked to better relationship quality for both men and women. Research finds that, when the housework is split more equally, women show improved marital satisfaction and less negativity in their marriage. Equally splitting the task of dishwashing in particular seems to be most related to relationship quality, especially for women. When men discredit women’s contribution (that is, estimate that she does less housework than she actually does), the couple shows even lower relationship satisfaction. While previous research has found that men’s relationship quality may suffer as a result of equally sharing housework, more recent research has found that men may now be more satisfied with the relationship when housework is split equally.
Unequal division of household labor is also related to an increased risk for depression and stress in women. The mental load of caring for a household may be even more detrimental than the physical load. Carrying a disproportionate mental load is linked to depression, stress, burnout, and overall worse mental health in mothers.
What About Parenting and Child Care?
Splitting the labor of child care may be even a more hot-button issue than splitting the household labor. Research finds that gender roles in a couple tend to become more traditional during the transition to parenthood. So does how parents choose to split child care duties impact the relationship? Research finds that parents that split child care responsibilities more equally reported better relationships, lower levels of conflict, and increased sexual satisfaction. Not surprisingly, research finds that inequality in the tasks of parenting results in mothers reporting lower relationship quality, reduced feelings of love, and increased conflict. Both men and women are more likely to report they aren’t as satisfied with the child care arrangement when women do most of the child care. Research also finds that men doing more child care is associated with a better quality relationship and more satisfying sexual relationships for both women and men.
But Is It Really All About What You Think is “Fair”?
Research suggests that it might not be the equal division of labor in these relationships that make them happier but rather whether both partners feel like the division of labor is “fair.” In other words, equal relationships are more likely to result in both partners feeling like their division of labor is “fair” which then results in a happier relationship. One study found that the unequal division of household chores causes women to see the relationship as unfair which then causes distress in the relationship and personal distress. Another study found the same for child care— women in unequal parenting arrangements showed relationship problems when they perceived it as unfair. In other words, the unequal division of household and child care labor may only negatively impact your relationship if you see it is “unfair.” Interestingly, most women report that they perceive an unequal division of labor as “fair.”
The Trad Wives who enjoy making their husbands chewing gum from scratch may see their arrangement as very fair (particularly when their income from being a Trad Wife influencer allows them to hire nannies and housekeepers that take care of the aspects of being a Trad Wife that they may not enjoy as much). Hannah Neeleman of Ballerina Farm who was raised in a patriarchal culture may see her role as very fair, whereas another woman with a different cultural background would find the arrangement very unfair. Research finds that women are more likely to find an unequal distribution of labor “fair” when they enjoy the task or think that they are good at it. Most Trad Wives seem to enjoy and take a lot of pride in housework and child care so it makes sense that they would see this arrangement as fair.
Research also suggests that whether your beliefs fit with the reality of your home life and whether you are satisfied with the division of labor may be more important than the division of labor itself. For example, one study found that the couples that wanted more traditional roles and had more traditional roles showed a lower risk for separation and divorce than couples who wanted an equal division of labor but actually had more traditional gender roles. Another study found that how child care is split only impacts the sexual relationship through how satisfied each partner is with the arrangement.
Many Trad Wives express beliefs that it is a woman’s role to serve her husband and family and insist that they are very satisfied with this arrangement. When you see Ballerina Farm blissfully embracing the husband who you might find domineering and controlling, it may not make sense to you but this research explains how she could still be happy in the relationship.
Important Note
Even though the research explains why some Trad Wives may be happy with this arrangement and have healthy and happy marriages, there may also be some Trad Wives who have been manipulated by men or a patriarchal society into a controlling or even abusive relationship. Certainly there are many happy and healthy marriages with traditional gender roles but research finds that abuse may be more common in couples with traditional gender roles. It can be harder for women in a relationship with traditional gender roles to even notice the signs of abuse much less reach out for help, particularly for women who grew up in patriarchal cultures. It is also very risky to become financially dependent on another person. Ironically enough, the Trad Wives on social media are often not financially dependent on their husbands because most are making income while insisting that women should not “work.” If you are not a mega-influencer and want to choose the Trad Wife life, make sure you protect yourself and know what will happen financially in the case of death or divorce. When your partner is in complete control of the household and refuses to involve you in financial decision making, this may be a form of financial abuse. In addition to Trad Wives promoting values that lead to the oppression and abuse of women, there are so many other issues with Trad Wives that are beyond the scope of this article including a lack of inclusivity of people of color and families that are not a man and woman married to each other, as well as setting unrealistic standards for women.
Overall Translation and How Does This Research Apply to You and Your Relationship?
As our society evolves, it seems that egalitarian relationships tend to be happier and more stable than “traditional” relationships. However, it seems that what really matters is how “fair” you see the arrangement and how satisfied you are with the division of labor. This could explain why some Trad Wives may be happy with what seems to us an extremely unfair arrangement.
So are Trad Wives like Hannah of Ballerina Farm really happy? Could you really be happy as a Trad Wife? Are any wives and mothers truly happy with how unequal the division of labor in a household remains even in 2024? It is impossible to say. However, given the increasingly egalitarian society that we live in, it is becoming increasingly difficult to see this arrangement as fair and be satisfied with it.
What does this research mean for your own life and your own relationship? It means you might want to honestly evaluate your own beliefs about what is fair and really examine what you would be satisfied with in your relationship. Honestly ask yourself what feels like a fair division of household labor and child care to you? Is it 50%/50%, 70%/30%, or do you even dare to dream that your partner might carry more of the load than you do? The answer will be different for every person. If your current relationship does not match your ideal standards, then ask yourself whether you can accept this level of inequality or whether you want to work towards a more egalitarian relationship.
While we all grapple with these big questions, the research does provide one concrete tip for helping cope with the unfair division of labor in a household. Research finds that the lowest quality relationships are ones in which the male partner discredits or underestimates the amount of work that the female partner does. Furthermore, the negative impacts of unequal division of labor seem to disappear when you feel appreciated by your partner. So whether you are a Trad Wife/Husband or a household that nearly equally splits the division of labor, the work of running a household is difficult and important work, and should be acknowledged and appreciated.
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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a baby, 4-year-old, 6-year-old, and 8-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).
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Appreciate this summary! One thing that's lacking from this discussion however is how race plays a role. The idealization of trad wives are so closely linked with the performance of a specific type of whiteness, and I would love to hear how researchers have attempted to look at this as it relates to traditional gender roles.
I was disappointed with this article. Most of your posts outline relevant topics specific to parenting, this one seemed to be more of a criticism of a person and a lifestyle. There is always nuance and context to take into account when considering an issue like this, and implicit in the conversation is that no two families (or people!) are exactly alike. It's therefore impossible to use "research" and "scientific data" to draw a conclusion about whether a mom foregoing an away-from-home work environment would be better for her, her children, or her spouse. I was also frustrated by the lack of clear definition for "traditional wife" and the muddy water that was left in its wake. It sounded like you were implying that moms who stay at home by choice also inherently defer their political views to someone else, or seek permission to leave their own homes. There is so much of a spread of what could be meant by that phrase and that was not provided for well.
You wrote, "However, given the increasingly egalitarian society that we live in, it is becoming increasingly difficult to see this arrangement as fair and be satisfied with it." I disagree profoundly, as a mom who does work outside the home and is in an egalitarian marriage where the housework is shared. Why? Because I have had times when I was home and it wasn't like that, and I was happier--because my heart is rooted in my home and my children and my husband. Humans often chase passions regardless of the work it requires, and my passion is for my family. Not all work is drudgery. I think that's what your article misses in a colossal way: you can't quantify individual values, beliefs and passions in an empirical dataset.