A New Approach to Parenting with Dr. Emily Edlynn
An interview with Dr. Emily Edlynn about autonomy-supportive parenting and why you might want to try it with your own kids
Source: Mikhail Nilov/Pexels
Dr. Emily Edlynn is a licensed clinical psychologist and mother to three children. She recently wrote a book called Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. This book is about an approach to parenting that is backed by research. Dr. Edlynn also regularly writes parenting content for Parents and the Washington Post and writes the Substack newsletter The Art and Science of Mom. In this interview, Dr. Edlynn describes the autonomy-supportive approach to parenting and why it is both effective and less stressful for parents.
You can listen to the interview through the link below or read the transcript of the interview in this newsletter:
Dr. Cara Goodwin: I'm so excited because today I'm here with Dr. Emily Edlynn. Dr. Edlynn is a psychologist, a mother, and a parenting author, and she has just written a book about a concept called autonomy-supportive parenting. I'm really excited to talk to her because I think this concept is so important for parents to understand and to know how we can apply it to our everyday lives. So, Dr. Edlynn, could you please introduce yourself? Tell us a little bit about yourself and what your particular areas of interest are.
Dr. Emily Edlynn: Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to talk to you today. I am a clinical psychologist, and I have always specialized in children and adolescents. My professional career has been working with children and teenagers with medical conditions. So I work in health psychology. But I had a career crossroads a few years ago in 2016, I had three young children. I had been working in academic medicine my whole career, which is very rewarding and very intense with long hours and a lot of stress. I had an opportunity to decide if I would keep doing that or pivot. I decided to pivot and started working in a private practice, which also gave me the flexibility to start writing. It was at that same time that I not only shifted how I was approaching my career and working with families, but I also went to my love of writing, which I had always had since I was a young child. Actually, even as a young mother, I decided I really wanted to write a parenting book. I was living as a social scientist, understanding academia and trained in child mental health and child development, and I was still completely confused as how to parent my children.
Dr. Cara Goodwin: I definitely relate to that experience!
Dr. Emily Edlynn: I took that opportunity in my life with this big change we had in our family. We relocated. My husband had a new job, and I decided to make that big change. I now work in private practice. I still work with children with medical conditions, but that also includes very general child development and family stress that all families face. I feel like I'm really plugged in, not only as a parent, to my own children who are now 8, 11 and 13, but also to the daily modern stresses and issues that families face today.
Dr. Cara Goodwin: That's amazing. I love when other “parenting experts” share that it's hard for them to parent as well because I think that's so true. I thought before I had kids, “I have a PhD in Psychology, this is going to be so easy.” I couldn't have been more wrong. I love when people like yourself, who are such experts, normalize that it is still really hard.
You have a book coming out called Autonomy Supportive Parenting and that's a term that we psychologists use in research and it sounds very technical, but it's actually really important and relevant to our everyday lives as parents. Can you describe what Autonomy Supportive Parenting is and why it is so important to us?
Dr. Emily Edlynn: I am so excited I have this opportunity with this book to really translate it because as you said in psychology, we know this term, but it's really mostly stayed relegated to scientific journals and academia, which we know have a long history of not bridging well to daily life, right?
Autonomy Supportive Parenting is the idea that we parent in a way that nurtures our children's three fundamental human needs, which is related to the Self-Determination Theory, another scientific psychology concept. But basically it's the idea that all of us, all humans, have three fundamental needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. So in other words, it's the feeling of knowing who I am and having the freedom to be myself (autonomy). Competence is that feeling of agency and mastery. The feeling of I've got this, I know what I'm doing, I have skills, I can be independent. Relatedness is how it sounds, that feeling of connection with others, the sense of belonging, the sense of I am in loving relationships, warm and caring relationships. So in the parent-child relationship, relatedness need comes in first and then autonomy and competence come from there. So that's the big picture.
But what does that look like in our day-to-day? Actually, the strategies have been studied in academic studies since the 90’s. This is a very well-established approach to parenting with a lot of scientific backing across ages, including toddlers, school age, adolescents, and into adulthood. But what it looks like in parenting is a set of strategies that we're all actually very familiar with, things like taking our child's perspective, using empathy, giving choices, involving children in decision making, transmitting our own values, and making decisions guided by values. But the way it's wrapped up in this framework in Autonomy Supportive Parenting, I haven't really seen anywhere else in mainstream parenting guidance. So what I really was passionate about in my book is to break it down into real-life dilemmas and things that we face as parents. How do we actually look to be an Autonomy Supportive parent? What are we doing in this situation? So the big picture is Autonomy Supportive Parenting is being very open and curious about our child's experience, regarding our child as their own separate person. They are not us or an extension of us. Then using these strategies day-to-day to create an autonomy-supportive environment.
Dr. Cara Goodwin: Yes, I love that. I agree with you, there's so much research backing this up and there's not a lot of awareness in the mainstream parenting world. You say in your book that this can actually reduce stress, which I love anything that helps reduce parent stress. Can you explain how using this style of parenting actually reduces stress?
Dr. Emily Edlynn: Yes, and I will admit that when we're shifting into it, it may feel a little more like more work or more effort. But the big picture is that when we engage in Autonomy Supportive Parenting, our relationships actually go more smoothly, so there's less conflict and stress in the home and our kids are doing more for themselves. So it's very simple: the more they're doing for themselves, the less is on our to do list. My daughters, who are 11 and 13, have been doing their own laundry for two years now. That is on their list of things to do. Less laundry for me. Right?
Dr. Cara Goodwin: That’s amazing. Maybe it would help to get some examples, like something that a lot of us have faced in our day-to-day lives of how Autonomy Supportive Parenting looks in what we face every day, and how that's different from the more intensive parenting style or controlling parenting style that seems to have gotten more popular with time.
Dr. Emily Edlynn: A huge part of the book is also taking on controlling parenting as the kind of opposing force to Autonomy Supportive Parenting. We are living in a culture that's really feeding the controlling impulses, which can also be considered intensive parenting. I could use an example from my life because I have plenty. I share in one of my newsletters how last summer my twelve-year-old just kind of stopped reading and I just didn't understand it because I have always been a very avid reader, I love books, and I see the importance of books for kids to always be reading and she just sort of stopped reading. The controlling impulse is how do I make her read again? How do I get this child to do something I want her to do that I know is good for her, but she's not choosing to do? My initial attempts at saying, “Okay, you need to read an hour a day over the summer and just create a schedule.” She's like, “Yeah, I'm not doing that,” especially at twelve. She has her own agency for sure. Then I had to shift gears into how do I take her perspective of what this is like for her and also separate myself as she is not me. This sounds really basic, but I think we all fall into that. My child is going to be like me, but she may not love reading like I do. I need to work on accepting that it's okay and accepting that as part of her right now in this phase that she's in.
Taking her perspective, understanding her experience is always the first step with Autonomy Supportive Parenting to really understand what's going on for the child. The next step is then to explain to her the rationale for why I think it's important for reading to happen and finally trying to tie those to her values. She talks very excitedly about going to college, and so I talk about reading in the context of that. The more you read now, the easier it is in high school, and that prepares you for college. Even though that's way forward thinking for her, that's important. We also talk about how cell phones affect attention and that it's harder to read with that attention if she spends so much time on her phone. There was this involvement in collaborating with her around what makes sense for reading and giving her choices. I did not push the reading, I just kept talking to her about it when it was natural to talk about it. By the end of the summer, she read a full book in a few days, a book that was her choice and that she was excited about. It felt like she was able to assert her own agency over that choice rather than doing it because her mom thinks she should do it.
Dr. Cara Goodwin: That is so helpful. It sounds like you first took her perspective rather than imposing your own values and identity on her. Then you tried to find her motivation and you worked with her to collaborate and problem solve together. That makes a lot of sense.
How would you apply this to a situation with a much younger child, like a toddler? Do you have an example from the toddler world?
Dr. Emily Edlynn: I could talk about one of my favorite parts in the book, the section on toddlers and screen time. The famous “Tablet Tantrums” that we all experience. There's a great study called Screen Time Tantrums, and I love that name for the study, but they basically found that what's happening is that parents are so anxious and guilty about using screens with their young children that we use them based on our needs and agenda. When we need them occupied, we give them the tablet and then we want it to be as little time as possible so we're not hurting their brains and development. As a result we're operating out of that fear and anxiety, when really then we interrupt their agenda to say, “Okay, time to stop. Dinner is ready, put away the iPad.” And then what follows? The big explosion! Even with these young children working on having flexible language instead of directive language. Instead of saying, “Put away that iPad now,” saying something like, “It's almost time for dinner, let's think about when we're going to stop the iPad. Start to think about it.” Giving them the warm up period and also not being as directive to give them the sense of agency, understanding how hard it is for them to stop mid-game or mid-show, to come to the dinner table and do something they don't want to do. We're asking them to interrupt an enjoyable activity to do something they don't want to do. Understanding what it's like for them can help us be a little more patient and strategic with them. Then giving them choices and saying ,”Okay. You can be on it for two more minutes or five more minutes.” Of course they're going to pick the five more minutes, but they feel like they had a choice in the matter. There's some examples of coaching the younger children and understanding where they're coming from even when they're three and are very limited in reasoning abilities and all those famous things we know about three year olds.
Dr. Cara Goodwin: It sounds like you're using the same steps as with the pre-teen. You're taking their perspective, you're thinking about their motivation, their agenda, not just your agenda. Then collaborating in problem-solving together, giving age appropriate choices whenever possible. That makes sense and how it can apply to the teenager down to toddlerhood.
Can you compare this style of parenting with what we might refer to as controlling or intensive parenting, or even I don't really like this term, but “helicopter parenting” that seems to becoming more and more popular. How do we avoid that? And why is that style of parenting not ideal for children or for ourselves?
Dr. Emily Edlynn: What is really fundamental to Autonomy Supportive Parenting is understanding controlling parenting. In our current parenting culture, there are a lot of forces pulling at us to be more controlling. What that looks like when I say controlling parenting is really imposing our agenda, our values, our desires for how our children acting and being in the world. It both can be controlling behaviorally and psychologically. Who are they in the world? How they do act with their grandparents? It's that idea of shaping them in our own image and that includes things like instilling shame and guilt. Those are the extremes of really harmful controlling parenting. But in the more mainstream, what I see all of us doing is things like high supervision and monitoring, doing things for our children that they are capable of doing for themselves undermining their own independence and confidence. Also, how we're curating our kids' environment so carefully and trying to rescue our children from both stress and distress, the emotional pain. I see parents trying to rescue children all the time. This idea that we feel like we're protecting our children, but we're actually robbing them of the opportunity to develop their own skills and confidence in handling the world and discovering who they are. So when we are controlling our children, we're undermining that skill development very unintentionally.
We're doing this from very loving places. If we can be more mindful and aware of these controlling impulses, which are made worse by stress and we know that parents are really stressed right now. So just knowing that and then taking those moments to take a pause, be aware that I'm feeling very controlling right now, and take a step back and rethink, especially the more familiar people can be with this autonomy supportive mindset and approach to rethinking. For example, ”How can I do this differently so that my child won't feel so controlled in this moment?”
Dr. Cara Goodwin: That is so helpful. I think, for me, I want to say that this is such a natural human impulse to not want to see our children in pain. I read a really interesting research study recently that showed that for highly empathetic parents, this is really hard. I think, myself, I would fall in this category. I have a lot of empathy for my children and it's really hard to see them stressed or in pain. But something I have to remind myself every day is that a little bit of stress is good. Not a lot of stress. We don't want to throw our children into the deep-end of the pool when they can't swim, but a little bit of stress is good for them in building resilience. Even if it causes us as adults to feel uncomfortable, we have to push through that knowing that this is what's best for our children. Is facing stress part of the goal of Autonomy Supportive Parenting?
Dr. Emily Edlynn: Absolutely. It's building our child's confidence in their own skills, including coping skills— that they can handle the hard parts of life. The earlier we do that, we instill that belief in them through our trust that they can handle these hard things, with our coaching, that it is okay. We don't need to just say, “Oh, well, go figure it out.” I don't want to be too controlling, but really understanding their experience, being there as a listener and a helper, but not jumping in to solve the problem. I think toeing that line is really important and those needs change with their development— how much they need us. It's also being aware of when we need to start backing off as they get older and trust in them. It is a huge part of building resilience and also it lowers the risk for mental health problems like anxiety and depression.
Dr. Cara Goodwin: I love how you frame this as being a coach rather than doing it for them. We can still be there, we can encourage, we can support, but we aret not actually solving the problem for them. So this has been so incredibly helpful. I love to ask my guests, especially since you are farther along in the parenting journey than me and maybe some of the listeners, if you could go back and tell yourself one thing particularly related to Autonomy Supportive Parenting as a young parent, what would you say and why?
Dr. Emily Edlynn: I would say that our children and our relationships with them are much sturdier than we give ourselves and them credit for and that it's okay. Like all of our missteps, all the things we feel badly about, they're okay in the bigger picture of this unconditional love. And as long as we're conveying true acceptance for who our child is as a person in general, these minor little details and hard days and difficult hours are really okay. I spent my years as a young mother so overwhelmed and exhausted, and I still look back and wish I could be the mom I am now back then. But the great news is my kids and I have amazing relationships. I think they are the coolest people. And it's okay. I feel like it was a rough time. I don't think they even think twice about it. So I think we're all going to be okay.
Dr. Cara Goodwin: Yes, that is so important. We can make mistakes. Our kids can make mistakes. None of us can do this perfectly. That message is so important for parents to hear. So if parents want to know more about this concept of Autonomy Supportive Parenting or to get some more of your incredible insights, where can they go to find you?
Dr. Emily Edlynn: They can visit my website, which is emilyedlynnphd.com, and they can sign up for my Substack newsletter there. I do a weekly autonomy supportive diary and really talk more in-depth about Autonomy Supportive Parenting and applying it to real life. And I'm also @dremilyedlynn on Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn, and The Art and Science of Mom on Facebook.
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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a baby, 3-year-old, 5-year-old, and 8-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.org).
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Big fan of this idea. Children are their own entity with their own personality. Understanding that makes everything easier. Too many parents and teachers expect children to react in a certain way to a certain stimulus, and try to force square pegs in round holes (often with medication these days) when they don't.
Thank you so much for this excellent interview! I can’t wait to get my hands on this book.
I think what I loved the most about this approach is it’s longevity. It is an approach you can take not only for your toddler and teen but also an adult child. It’s such a great way to build that parenting habit/skill while your kids are still young and it can last you a lifetime. This was a wonderful read and I learned so much!