This was a wonderfully balanced acknowledgement of the good of gentle parenting and when it might not work. It’s such a hot topic right now and I’m so interested in seeing how it pans out when this generation of kids are adults and how they’ll reflect on their experience with this parenting style.
Also, my firm belief is that we need to figure out what to put in our parenting arsenal. I feel like we too often by the entire package and not the components when it’s really that we need to be able to mix-and-match various tools and techniques from all sorts of parenting styles depending on the situation and the child. There is no one absolute way to raise a child.
I love this. I like to think of it as putting lots of strategies in our parenting backpack and then pulling out the ones that work for a specific child at a specific moment.
I agree about mix-and-match! And even with the same kid, some days need different tools than others. My 3 yo is generally agreeable and responds well to lots of the gentle parenting go-tos, but some days we need stronger tools and it's so helpful to have options!
I felt so validated by this post that I actually teared up! I was a very easy going kid and my parents never used punishments. I assumed my parenting experience would be similar. Like any modern mom, parenting influencers seem to find my eyes and ears everywhere! We’re also homeschooling and I’ve dipped my toes into unschooling. The period after my son was born had some big challenges in our family and then I was working full time during a global pandemic, so I feel like I was far more vulnerable to “influence” than any other time in my life. There is a sense in the gentle parenting/unschooling/peaceful parenting realm that you are doing terrible harm to your child if you rely on any traditional parenting approaches. It’s a horrible feeling to think that you are harming your child! But, it turns out that I have a son with a wonderfully big personality, a clear sense of what he wants, and a sharp temper. Talking things through together works 90% of the times, and 10% of the time, it does not at all! The best thing I have done for my mental health in years was to tune out all parenting influencers for long enough to find my footing as a mom with a working brain of my own (and an MAT in early childhood education and MLIS that allows me to feel fairly comfortable reading the research myself!). I started using behaviorist approaches (usually rewards) when there is a clear behavior that needs to change fast before we can really get to the part of finding deeper solutions. They are rare and I try to make them time limited until we find a better solution, but they are sanity saving. I also reminded myself that I’m a person, too! I recently heard a gentle parenting “expert” talking about aggression and suggesting that punishments and rewards were not acceptable, but that parents (moms, it’s always really moms) might have to get in there to physically set the boundaries with their bodies. She described getting at child level to block a hit. I found myself talking back to the podcast, because am I just supposed to get hit, kicked, bitten, etc.? That doesn’t seem healthy, but is exactly what would happen in her scenario! Instead, could it not make sense to set a safer boundary for everyone with a reasonable, age-appropriate punishment or reward (generally removal of something enjoyable for a short time--in our home screen time is now earned by not hurting anyone all day) and then dig into tools and feelings and triggers and find a big solution (we’re still doing all that important work!)? Too often, our influencer culture makes it feel that it’s all either/or, and we must divide ourselves into camps. Thank you for the wonderful, evidence-based reminder that, with most things, it can be both/and and we can experiment to find solutions that work.
Thank you for this note. I have found myself in your same place often talking back to podcasts and influences on instagram. I love all of the approaches you have shared. I am just so honored that this newsletter matches your views as a mother!
Thank you for this, especially the reassurance about time outs! I feel like part of the problem with talking about “gentle parenting” is that it doesn’t have one consistent definition, as you indicated. A lot of gentle parenting type accounts I follow say that when a lot of people say “gentle parenting” they actually mean permissive parenting. The toddler psychology/parenting accounts I follow advocate for logical consequences and firmly holding boundaries, in addition to empathizing and validating feelings and all that. Some have said it might be better termed authoritative parenting (not to be confused with authoritarian) or respectful parenting.
I've seen a lot of the same definitions. Strong clear boundaries are vital in our house I know. My daughter (most of the time?) knows if I say "if you do this, then this will happen" that I mean it and at this point will usually course correct on her own, but if she doesn't I follow through quickly. These 3 year olds are ready to take over everything if we let them :)
I have written a number of posts and newsletters on time outs. There is even a free handout on my website. It is important to understand what the research says about time outs. Thank you for lifting that up.
This is a fantastic article, Cara! Thank you for writing it. I see so many young mothers in my practice who feel judged and even bludgened by "positive parenting"! They sit there, getting hit by their kids, and feel like they have to take it or they'll damage their child. Forty years of parenting research shows that kids need both warmth and limits.
One of our main jobs as parents is to teach kids HOW to be in relationships. Hitting doesn't belong in any healthy relationship.
The warm, cuddly stuff is the easy part of parenting. The limits are much harder but absolutely necessary–for our sake and our kids'!
I read a lot about gentle parenting and it went well for us for the first couple years, but 3 has been a new ball game! We do some versions of time out now (we usually call it "taking a break" and set a timer for 3 minutes and then try again or fix what went wrong etc.) and that's been a helpful consequence to have ready for those moments where there isn't a good natural consequence. Your info on time outs helped me to feel like this is a good option to add that isn't harmful. My other big thing I do like from gentle parenting content is apologizing to your child. When I'm overstimulated or maxed out I sometimes yell when I'm really frustrated, but I always make sure to apologize to my daughter for it and repair that moment. Sometimes I need a minute first, but I know it matters when I see how my daughter listens and responds to my apology. And I hear her using some of my apology language now too when she apologizes.
Totally, and modeling for our kids ways to regulate AND ways to repair when you didn't quite get it right! We like to tell our daughter "we can always say sorry and try again" and sometimes we need to say it to ourselves, too.
Thank you for writing this. I often feel the mom guilt from the gentle parenting folks even though I know that things like logical consequences are the right thing to do!!
As always, fantastic post. Well researched and informative. Disciplining a child is an important part of their growth. It's more like course correction. Resorting to harsh measures of discipline and ignoring dangerous bad behaviour are both extremes with repercussions. Most parents who want to discipline the right way are unaware of how to do it. Fortunately for them, this post comes in handy.
I love the nuance you bring to this topic Cara. As a psychologist myself I have struggled through the years to integrate the range of the approaches and honor my parenting aspirations and values along with the very real life constraints. We found with having neurodivergent children that both some of the evidence-based techniques and gentle parenting trends as a poor fit for our unique children (and for us as parents and our needs). I really appreciate how you highlight some of the more "gray" areas in the discourse that aren't always acknowledged around the evidence-based techniques especially around parental needs and why time-out may be needed as a harm reduction tool (to allow a parent to make choice to not lose it). As a clinician I have seen parents twisted up like pretzels wanting to only make choices that are in line with gentle parenting in the context of really complicated stressful situations and they struggle to feel they have permission to deviate from paradigm for fear of horrible consequences. From my own parenting experience we are really now working through a mix of approaches that align with our core values and align to our differently wired children, their needs and OUR needs. And still there is very much an experiment mindset, it can not be absolute-that there is only one way. I really wish we could better equip families to tune in to their unique family, their needs and values so families feel empowered to try different approaches, take what they need and leave what they don't.
Thank you for saying that and please share with your practice. I often turn the newsletters into free PDFs on my website. I would love to format this one in a way that makes sense as a handout for practices. Please let me know if there is anything you would suggest to make it a practical handout.
Thank you for this article! Some of the parenting strategies or scenarios I read I feel are creating the impression that parents need to be saints. It’s nice to present “this is the ideal way to respond” but if it doesn’t acknowledge that sometimes a parent just can’t do it that way cause they’re stressed or fried... it leaves the parent feeling like they’re failing when they don’t hit that ideal. And yes I have some perfectionist tendencies that I’m working on. But all families are different, so presenting some one best way is harmful for families that it doesn’t work for. Thanks for encouraging us to do what works for us, and encouraging us to not stress when we choose approaches that work for our families that don’t neatly fit into one particular approach.
Nov 1, 2023·edited Nov 1, 2023Liked by Dr. Cara Goodwin, PhD
I always thought those techniques just went hand in hand with gentle parenting. To me, they followed the same logic that gentle parenting followed. I also learned about both sets of techniques from parents and the few influencers I follow who recommend both types. It feels good to have it validated with research. My daughter is now 3 and I will use a combination of all the techniques in one day until something works, because 3 is hard.
I think the term "gentle parenting" is so misunderstood because it hasn't really been studied and properly defined, as you mentioned. I hope it does.
I wanted to make sure people realized that gentle parenting was not a research-based parenting philosophy and also that because it is not defined it means different things to different people.
Thanks for this article for clearing up some myths & providing another tool in the arsenal which I had previously believed was harmful. This is actually such a relief! Too often I’ve gone from gentle to yelling (dysregulated myself) when methods haven’t worked.
FABULOUS! FABULOUS! FABULOUS! Thank you for this article about how and where Gentle Parenting "only" falls short. The current trend that gentle parenting is "the be all and end all" and should always and only be used is not consistent with any of the behavioral parenting research and literature. Thank you for this much more comprehensive and accurate explanation of all of the parenting strategies that decades of work have shown to be effective. Thank you for directly calling out the myth that time out is harmful and providing links to lots of research that this belief is just untrue. This myth, and others that say we should never use consequences with children, leave parents with few choices and feeling stuck rather than empowering parents by helping them understand how and when to use very well researched, effective strategies.
Parenting translator strikes again as the go to source for what parents need to know! Bravo!
Thank you do much for this supportive comment. I was so worried when I wrote this post but I think most parents feel like you do. Please share with those who need it.
This was so, so well done. Thank you. I’ll be sharing this at my upcoming parenting workshop for HSPs -- a subset of parents with whom this is likely to resonate deeply.
I love how you broke this down. I love the whole gentle/positive/autonomy supportive parenting ideas, but you're right, sometimes those ideas don't work. Mostly because I can't always be a gentle, positive parent all the time.
Sometimes things are set up as a dichotomy. If you can't do A perfectly (gentle parenting), you must be doing Z (harsh, traditional parenting). But there are so many steps between A and Z. Maybe time out isn't the ideal we're going for, but it's a whole lot better than losing it and going to Z
Thank you so much for this post. I have, several times, asked counselors who promote gentle parenting if they have suggestions on what to do for neurodiverse children - and no one can direct me to anything. In theory, this is ideal, but in practice seldom happens in this household.
This article is such a relief. I always had a problem with how gentle parenting didn’t fully help us but I couldn’t articulate it. My big problem though is that my 4yo son seems to be immune to most consequences. I can apply them all day but they don’t seem to deter him ever, until I threaten him with the consequence (which is emotionally exhausting for everyone and physically so for me). And when a consequence comes, he just doesn’t care, or cries and fights it so hard that I’m forced to interrupt whatever activity I’m doing in order to keep the consequence in place or deal with the fallout. And the consequence won’t keep him in check next time, so what’s the point?? How do I apply consequences in a long-lasting, effective way, without having to threaten them every single time?
This was a wonderfully balanced acknowledgement of the good of gentle parenting and when it might not work. It’s such a hot topic right now and I’m so interested in seeing how it pans out when this generation of kids are adults and how they’ll reflect on their experience with this parenting style.
Also, my firm belief is that we need to figure out what to put in our parenting arsenal. I feel like we too often by the entire package and not the components when it’s really that we need to be able to mix-and-match various tools and techniques from all sorts of parenting styles depending on the situation and the child. There is no one absolute way to raise a child.
I love this. I like to think of it as putting lots of strategies in our parenting backpack and then pulling out the ones that work for a specific child at a specific moment.
I agree about mix-and-match! And even with the same kid, some days need different tools than others. My 3 yo is generally agreeable and responds well to lots of the gentle parenting go-tos, but some days we need stronger tools and it's so helpful to have options!
It is so helpful to have options!
I felt so validated by this post that I actually teared up! I was a very easy going kid and my parents never used punishments. I assumed my parenting experience would be similar. Like any modern mom, parenting influencers seem to find my eyes and ears everywhere! We’re also homeschooling and I’ve dipped my toes into unschooling. The period after my son was born had some big challenges in our family and then I was working full time during a global pandemic, so I feel like I was far more vulnerable to “influence” than any other time in my life. There is a sense in the gentle parenting/unschooling/peaceful parenting realm that you are doing terrible harm to your child if you rely on any traditional parenting approaches. It’s a horrible feeling to think that you are harming your child! But, it turns out that I have a son with a wonderfully big personality, a clear sense of what he wants, and a sharp temper. Talking things through together works 90% of the times, and 10% of the time, it does not at all! The best thing I have done for my mental health in years was to tune out all parenting influencers for long enough to find my footing as a mom with a working brain of my own (and an MAT in early childhood education and MLIS that allows me to feel fairly comfortable reading the research myself!). I started using behaviorist approaches (usually rewards) when there is a clear behavior that needs to change fast before we can really get to the part of finding deeper solutions. They are rare and I try to make them time limited until we find a better solution, but they are sanity saving. I also reminded myself that I’m a person, too! I recently heard a gentle parenting “expert” talking about aggression and suggesting that punishments and rewards were not acceptable, but that parents (moms, it’s always really moms) might have to get in there to physically set the boundaries with their bodies. She described getting at child level to block a hit. I found myself talking back to the podcast, because am I just supposed to get hit, kicked, bitten, etc.? That doesn’t seem healthy, but is exactly what would happen in her scenario! Instead, could it not make sense to set a safer boundary for everyone with a reasonable, age-appropriate punishment or reward (generally removal of something enjoyable for a short time--in our home screen time is now earned by not hurting anyone all day) and then dig into tools and feelings and triggers and find a big solution (we’re still doing all that important work!)? Too often, our influencer culture makes it feel that it’s all either/or, and we must divide ourselves into camps. Thank you for the wonderful, evidence-based reminder that, with most things, it can be both/and and we can experiment to find solutions that work.
Thank you for this note. I have found myself in your same place often talking back to podcasts and influences on instagram. I love all of the approaches you have shared. I am just so honored that this newsletter matches your views as a mother!
Thank you for this, especially the reassurance about time outs! I feel like part of the problem with talking about “gentle parenting” is that it doesn’t have one consistent definition, as you indicated. A lot of gentle parenting type accounts I follow say that when a lot of people say “gentle parenting” they actually mean permissive parenting. The toddler psychology/parenting accounts I follow advocate for logical consequences and firmly holding boundaries, in addition to empathizing and validating feelings and all that. Some have said it might be better termed authoritative parenting (not to be confused with authoritarian) or respectful parenting.
I've seen a lot of the same definitions. Strong clear boundaries are vital in our house I know. My daughter (most of the time?) knows if I say "if you do this, then this will happen" that I mean it and at this point will usually course correct on her own, but if she doesn't I follow through quickly. These 3 year olds are ready to take over everything if we let them :)
If then statements are so important!
I have written a number of posts and newsletters on time outs. There is even a free handout on my website. It is important to understand what the research says about time outs. Thank you for lifting that up.
This is a fantastic article, Cara! Thank you for writing it. I see so many young mothers in my practice who feel judged and even bludgened by "positive parenting"! They sit there, getting hit by their kids, and feel like they have to take it or they'll damage their child. Forty years of parenting research shows that kids need both warmth and limits.
One of our main jobs as parents is to teach kids HOW to be in relationships. Hitting doesn't belong in any healthy relationship.
The warm, cuddly stuff is the easy part of parenting. The limits are much harder but absolutely necessary–for our sake and our kids'!
I am so honored by what you just said! This was a difficult but important newsletter for me to write!
I read a lot about gentle parenting and it went well for us for the first couple years, but 3 has been a new ball game! We do some versions of time out now (we usually call it "taking a break" and set a timer for 3 minutes and then try again or fix what went wrong etc.) and that's been a helpful consequence to have ready for those moments where there isn't a good natural consequence. Your info on time outs helped me to feel like this is a good option to add that isn't harmful. My other big thing I do like from gentle parenting content is apologizing to your child. When I'm overstimulated or maxed out I sometimes yell when I'm really frustrated, but I always make sure to apologize to my daughter for it and repair that moment. Sometimes I need a minute first, but I know it matters when I see how my daughter listens and responds to my apology. And I hear her using some of my apology language now too when she apologizes.
It is so important to notice your emotions as a parent and regulate what you need as well!
Totally, and modeling for our kids ways to regulate AND ways to repair when you didn't quite get it right! We like to tell our daughter "we can always say sorry and try again" and sometimes we need to say it to ourselves, too.
Repair is another important thing to teach our children and to honor for ourselves.
This is definitely me as well, your response mirrored my thought’s while reading this.
I am so glad! I have been stressing about writing this so it means a lot that it is hitting home with so many people.
Thank you for writing this. I often feel the mom guilt from the gentle parenting folks even though I know that things like logical consequences are the right thing to do!!
That is exactly why it was so important for me to write this! Thank you for reading it. Please share it in your network.
As always, fantastic post. Well researched and informative. Disciplining a child is an important part of their growth. It's more like course correction. Resorting to harsh measures of discipline and ignoring dangerous bad behaviour are both extremes with repercussions. Most parents who want to discipline the right way are unaware of how to do it. Fortunately for them, this post comes in handy.
So glad you think so!
I love the nuance you bring to this topic Cara. As a psychologist myself I have struggled through the years to integrate the range of the approaches and honor my parenting aspirations and values along with the very real life constraints. We found with having neurodivergent children that both some of the evidence-based techniques and gentle parenting trends as a poor fit for our unique children (and for us as parents and our needs). I really appreciate how you highlight some of the more "gray" areas in the discourse that aren't always acknowledged around the evidence-based techniques especially around parental needs and why time-out may be needed as a harm reduction tool (to allow a parent to make choice to not lose it). As a clinician I have seen parents twisted up like pretzels wanting to only make choices that are in line with gentle parenting in the context of really complicated stressful situations and they struggle to feel they have permission to deviate from paradigm for fear of horrible consequences. From my own parenting experience we are really now working through a mix of approaches that align with our core values and align to our differently wired children, their needs and OUR needs. And still there is very much an experiment mindset, it can not be absolute-that there is only one way. I really wish we could better equip families to tune in to their unique family, their needs and values so families feel empowered to try different approaches, take what they need and leave what they don't.
Thank you for saying that and please share with your practice. I often turn the newsletters into free PDFs on my website. I would love to format this one in a way that makes sense as a handout for practices. Please let me know if there is anything you would suggest to make it a practical handout.
Thank you for this article! Some of the parenting strategies or scenarios I read I feel are creating the impression that parents need to be saints. It’s nice to present “this is the ideal way to respond” but if it doesn’t acknowledge that sometimes a parent just can’t do it that way cause they’re stressed or fried... it leaves the parent feeling like they’re failing when they don’t hit that ideal. And yes I have some perfectionist tendencies that I’m working on. But all families are different, so presenting some one best way is harmful for families that it doesn’t work for. Thanks for encouraging us to do what works for us, and encouraging us to not stress when we choose approaches that work for our families that don’t neatly fit into one particular approach.
Yes-those of us with perfectionist tendencies do get even more stressed when gentle parenting does not work.
I always thought those techniques just went hand in hand with gentle parenting. To me, they followed the same logic that gentle parenting followed. I also learned about both sets of techniques from parents and the few influencers I follow who recommend both types. It feels good to have it validated with research. My daughter is now 3 and I will use a combination of all the techniques in one day until something works, because 3 is hard.
I think the term "gentle parenting" is so misunderstood because it hasn't really been studied and properly defined, as you mentioned. I hope it does.
I wanted to make sure people realized that gentle parenting was not a research-based parenting philosophy and also that because it is not defined it means different things to different people.
Thanks for this article for clearing up some myths & providing another tool in the arsenal which I had previously believed was harmful. This is actually such a relief! Too often I’ve gone from gentle to yelling (dysregulated myself) when methods haven’t worked.
I just love the image of tools in our mothering arsenal or backpack!
FABULOUS! FABULOUS! FABULOUS! Thank you for this article about how and where Gentle Parenting "only" falls short. The current trend that gentle parenting is "the be all and end all" and should always and only be used is not consistent with any of the behavioral parenting research and literature. Thank you for this much more comprehensive and accurate explanation of all of the parenting strategies that decades of work have shown to be effective. Thank you for directly calling out the myth that time out is harmful and providing links to lots of research that this belief is just untrue. This myth, and others that say we should never use consequences with children, leave parents with few choices and feeling stuck rather than empowering parents by helping them understand how and when to use very well researched, effective strategies.
Parenting translator strikes again as the go to source for what parents need to know! Bravo!
Thank you do much for this supportive comment. I was so worried when I wrote this post but I think most parents feel like you do. Please share with those who need it.
This was so, so well done. Thank you. I’ll be sharing this at my upcoming parenting workshop for HSPs -- a subset of parents with whom this is likely to resonate deeply.
Thank you for sharing this out with more families who need it!
I love how you broke this down. I love the whole gentle/positive/autonomy supportive parenting ideas, but you're right, sometimes those ideas don't work. Mostly because I can't always be a gentle, positive parent all the time.
Sometimes things are set up as a dichotomy. If you can't do A perfectly (gentle parenting), you must be doing Z (harsh, traditional parenting). But there are so many steps between A and Z. Maybe time out isn't the ideal we're going for, but it's a whole lot better than losing it and going to Z
Great point. Parenting is not a set of dichotomies but a winding path.
Thank you so much for this post. I have, several times, asked counselors who promote gentle parenting if they have suggestions on what to do for neurodiverse children - and no one can direct me to anything. In theory, this is ideal, but in practice seldom happens in this household.
I so glad this gave you the comfort and support you needed. Please share with other families who need to hear it!
Thank you. I sure will!
This article is such a relief. I always had a problem with how gentle parenting didn’t fully help us but I couldn’t articulate it. My big problem though is that my 4yo son seems to be immune to most consequences. I can apply them all day but they don’t seem to deter him ever, until I threaten him with the consequence (which is emotionally exhausting for everyone and physically so for me). And when a consequence comes, he just doesn’t care, or cries and fights it so hard that I’m forced to interrupt whatever activity I’m doing in order to keep the consequence in place or deal with the fallout. And the consequence won’t keep him in check next time, so what’s the point?? How do I apply consequences in a long-lasting, effective way, without having to threaten them every single time?