Siblings: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly Fighting

Research suggests that sibling conflict is extremely normal AND there are research-backed ways to prevent it (or at least make it less frequent!)

Aug 17, 2022

Anyone who has grown up with siblings or has more than one child understands just how common and just how irritating sibling conflict can be. Research finds that many parents identify sibling conflict as the most common problem in their families.Yet, many parents feel at a loss for how to solve the problem. So what can we learn about siblings from the research? How do we help to prevent the sibling jealousy and fighting and help our children to get along?

Source: Nicolette Attree/Pexels

Siblings Have a Large Impact on Each Other—Whether Positive or Negative

There is no denying that siblings are important. In fact, the sibling relationship may be the most important and long-lasting relationship that your children have. For most children, their siblings are likely to be alive for the majority of their lives while parents, spouses, and offspring may not. Children also spend more free time with their siblings than anyone else in their lives.

Children develop many important skills through playing and interacting with their siblings, including perspective-taking, understanding emotions, pretend play, problem-solving, and negotiation. They then generalize the skills that they’ve learned with their siblings to interactions with their friends and other children their age.

When siblings have a positive relationship, research finds that they can have many positive influences on each other, including improved empathy (the ability to understand and feel the emotions of others), more advanced social skills, and greater interest and engagement in school.

However, when siblings have a more negative relationship, they can negatively impact each other’s development. For example, sibling conflict in childhood is associated with delinquent behavior, symptoms of anxiety and depression, and problems with friends. Siblings may also influence each other to take part in delinquent, risky, or antisocial behaviors.

Source: Adrienne Hedger Comics (see here for her website and here for Instagram… her comics are all this hilarious and relatable!).

Sibling Conflict Is Extremely Common

When your children aren’t getting along, it is very important to remember that sibling conflict is a normal part of development for all children with siblings and it does not mean that your children hate each other or are destined to fight for the rest of their lives. Research has found that siblings fight up to SIX TIMES per hour. So if it feels like your children are constantly fighting— this is the norm!

Sibling jealousy, rivalry, and competition are also extremely normal and may emerge as early as the first year. In fact, sibling jealousy is reported in up to 98% of families. It is most often related to parent attention and favoritism.

Does the Age Gap Matter?

Research generally finds that larger age gaps between siblings seem to be related to less conflict, while smaller age gaps are related to a closer sibling relationship but more conflict. Siblings with a wider age gap also show more nurturing, affection, and kind behavior toward their younger sibling and more admiration of their older sibling (perhaps because they do not see their sibling as a direct rival/competitor to the same extent). On the other hand, siblings with a closer age gap show more aggression and competition, yet more closeness and warmth. In most studies, wider age gaps are defined as 4 or more years, while shorter age gaps are 1 to 2 years. Research also finds that greater conflict among siblings closer in age persists into adulthood.

Source: Fowl Language Comics (by Brain Gordon… another great cartoonist who often focuses on parenting struggles. See here for his website!)

So Is There Anything You Can Do to Prevent Sibling Conflict?

So research finds that sibling fighting and jealous is extremely common particularly among siblings close in age, but it would still be great to know how to reduce the amount of sibling fighting and help our children to get along. Fortunately, research can provide some insight here! Specifically, research suggests that the following strategies may be used to effectively reduce sibling fighting and even improve the sibling relationship:

Focus more on praising and paying attention to your children when they are playing nicely, using gentle hands, or sharing rather than punishing them for fighting or being mean to each other. Research shows that praise and attention for positive behavior is very effective in reducing sibling conflict. For example, instead of “Why are you always taking toys from your brother?!?”, say “I noticed that you took turns with your brother and you used gentle hands when you were playing together today”.
Stay as calm and as neutral as possible. Research indicates that, when parents favor one child over the other child or always tend to side with one child, it may lead to more sibling fighting. So be careful to treat each sibling equally and stay neutral during conflicts (in particular, be careful to avoid the dynamic where you always take the younger sibling’s “side”).
Work together with your children to solve sibling conflicts (rather than letting them solve the conflict entirely on their own or solving the conflict for them). Research shows that, when both parents and children are involved in solving the conflict, children gain important skills that will enable them to resolve their own conflicts in the future. If you serve as “referee” and simply solve the conflict, they miss out on the opportunity to learn these skills. Accordingly, you should avoid simply solving the problem for your children and involve children in the process of resolving it. When you notice your children fighting, step in to coach them through listening to each other’s perspectives and resolving the conflict with problem-solving and compromise However, be careful not to leave it entirely up to them to resolve the conflict. Research suggests that when children are left to resolve conflicts on their own they only come up with a “fair” solution about 12% of the time, while children are more likely to resolve conflict when parents intervene. For example, when your children are fighting over the same toy, rather than ignoring the conflict or jumping in to say something like “I’m going to give the ball to your little brother first and then in five minutes he will have to give you a turn,” try saying something like “It seems like you both want the ball. How can we solve this problem in a way that you would both be okay with?”.
Help children to regulate their negative emotions during a conflict with siblings. Research finds that, when you improve children’s emotional regulation skills, they also show improved sibling relationships. You can improve your child’s emotional regulation skills by teaching them how to identify their own emotions and then develop coping strategies for regulating their emotions (such as, deep breathing, going to a “calm down space”, asking a parent for help, etc.). For example, “You are clenching your fists which tells me that you are getting frustrated. Maybe you want to walk away and take some deep breaths and then ask your brother for a turn?”.
Spend time teaching your children the unspoken “rules” of playing together. Research finds that improving children’s social skills also improves their sibling relationships. Specifically, teach children how to ask their sibling to play, how to accept or decline a sibling’s offer to play, and how to articulate their feelings to their sibling. You can also work with them to understand their sibling’s perspective and have empathy for their sibling (“Your brother keeps hitting you because he wants your attention. He feels sad when you ignore him and he doesn’t know how to ask you to play with him yet”).
Model healthy ways of resolving conflict in your own disagreements with your partner and other members of the family. Research shows that conflict within the family has a negative impact on sibling relationships, so working to reduce conflict in the family more generally may help to reduce sibling conflict. For example, when a discussion with your co-parenting partner becomes heated, say “I feel like I’m starting to get frustrated so I’m going to go calm down and we can talk about this more when I am calm”.

Peer Review

This week’s newsletter was reviewed by Melinda Wenner Moyer, who writes the Substack newsletter Is My Kid the Asshole? (subscribe to her newsletter here for more research-backed tips on addressing challenging behavior in children). Melinda is a science journalist with over 15 years of writing about science and medicine. She writes the weekly Well newsletter for The New York Times and she is a contributing editor at Scientific American magazine and a faculty member in the Science, Health & Reporting Program at NYU’s Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute. Her first book, How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-based Strategies for Better Parenting—From Tots to Teens, was published in July 2021. The book has been featured in Parents magazine, The New York Times, The Atlantic, Scientific American, The New York Post, Boing Boing, The Toronto Star, The Guardian and the Financial Times. Her book also has an entire chapter with research-backed tips to address sibling conflict if you would like to read more on this topic!

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