Should You Make Your Kids Apologize?

The research behind asking children to say "sorry"

Dr. Cara Goodwin, PhD

Nov 10, 2022

Source: Victoria Akvarel/Pexels

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When I was a child, I fought frequently with my older brother. We were only 18 months apart and we would both tease each other mercilessly until one of us snapped. Because he was older, he was often the one who got blamed for the fighting. My mom would always say “Apologize to your sister this instant!” and he would eventually yell through gritted teeth “I’m sorry, YOU STUPID IDIOT!” This apology eventually became a family joke and we will still say it to each other to this day in jest. Yet, it raises the question of whether this type of disingenuous apology benefits anyone?

Should we be asking our children to apologize when they don’t really mean it? Does this type of prompted or “forced” apology actually make a difference? Yet, conversely, if we don’t ask our children to apologize, how exactly do we teach them to acknowledge when they have hurt others, take responsibility, and learn from their mistakes?

Does Apologizing Even Matter?

As adults, most of us know that apologies are important in repairing and maintaining relationships. Research in adults finds that apologies decrease heart rate and other signs of cardiac stress, as well as increase empathy, gratitude, forgiveness, and positive emotions while decreasing anger and negative emotions.

Graphs showing that apologizing increases children’s trust and positive emotions toward the transgressor (Source: Ma, F., Wylie, B. E., Luo, X., He, Z., Xu, F., & Evans, A. D. (2018). Apologies repair children’s trust: The mediating role of emotions. Journal of experimental child psychology, 176, 1-12.)

So what about children? Research indicates that apologies are also important in helping children to repair the relationship with the person impacted by their behavior. Research finds that children report that receiving apologies helps to repair their trust and increases the positive emotions that they feel toward the person apologizing (see graphs above). Recent research also finds that children are more forgiving of other children who apologize and are more likely to rate the transgressor as nicer than children who did not receive an apology.

Spontaneous vs. Prompted vs. “Forced” Apologies

Does it matter whether the apology is spontaneous versus prompted by the parent (meaning whether the child apologies on their own or whether they are asked to by a parent)? Interestingly, research finds little difference between prompted apologies (that is, when a parent asks a child to apologize) versus spontaneous apologies (that is, when a child apologizes on their own). Research suggests that both types of apologies seem to repair the relationship. However, this study found that neither type of apology actually made the victim feel better (see below for a strategy that does!). Another study also found that young children also see both types of apologies as expressing remorse and comforting the victim.

Does it matter if the apology is prompted versus “forced”? One study asked children to judge pretend scenarios in which children were prompted to apologize and did so willingly with scenarios in which children had to be asked several times to apologize even when they didn’t want to. They found that older children (7 to 9 years) viewed the “forced” apology as less effective in expressing remorse and comforting the victim. Younger children (4 to 6 years) also indicated that the person who received the “forced” apology was likely to feel worse. Research also suggests that asking your child to apologize is not linked with increased aggression or anxiety in children.

TRANSLATION: While you probably should not “force” your child to apologize or threaten to punish them if they do not apologize since this may not be effective at repairing the relationship and this kind of controlling behavior in parenting has well-documented negative impacts on children, we do not have any research evidence that there is anything wrong with gently reminding your child to apologize.

What Else Can You Do?

Research suggests that there may be an even better option than simply asking your child to apologize. Research finds that “making amends,” that is trying to make up for the transgression or “right the wrong” in some way, may be more effective than spontaneous, prompted, or “forced” apologies. Specifically, “making amends” has been found to repair the relationship AND make the victim feel better (while apologies of any kind only repair the relationship). Research in adults also finds that making amends is more powerful at reducing anger and resentment than an apology alone. Examples of “making amends” you can use with your children include:

Getting an ice pack or bandaid when your child hits another child
Helping to rebuild something that they knocked over
Giving back a toy they took
Fixing something that they broke
Helping to clean up a mess they made
Paying for an item they broke from their own pocket money
Giving a hug or a sign of physical affection
Asking someone to play with them that they previously excluded

In addition to reminding your child to apologize and make amends, you can also model apologizing to your child by apologizing to them and others around you. However, research finds that many parents do not know how to apologize effectively so we first need to learn this skill before modeling it for our children.

Research suggests that an effective apology involves FIVE PARTS:

Acknowledgement of wrongdoing (“I lost my cool and yelled.”)
Expression of remorse or regret (“I’m sorry. I should not have yelled like that.”)
Acknowledgement of how it impacted the other person (“I’m sure that was scary for you.”)
A promise to do better in the future (“Next time we are running late. I will take a minute to take some deep breaths so I can stay calm.”)
Repair (“Can I give you a hug?”)

Translation

Apologizing and making amends are important to both adults and children in maintaining relationships, so it is essential that children learn these skills. You should give your child a chance to make a spontaneous apology, but, if it is not happening, you can ask them to apologize. Research finds that a prompted apology may be more helpful in repairing the relationship than no apology (especially for young kids). However, rather than focusing only on apologizing, parents should also be encouraging their children to make amends.

So how do you teach these skills? Here are some evidence-based tips for helping your child to recognize and take responsibility for their mistakes:

Wait until everyone involved has calmed down (including yourself!). Then, give your child a chance to apologize or make amends spontaneously.
If they do not apologize or make amends spontaneously, first ask what they can do to help the other person feel better (this is a subtle prompt to apologize and/or make amends).
If necessary, remind them to apologize or give them some idea about how to make amends.
After the situation is over, explain to them the importance of apologizing and how to apologize sincerely and effectively (making sure to acknowledge their part in it and not saying “I’m sorry, but…”). Also, discuss the importance of making amends and how to make amends in various situations.
Model apologizing by regularly apologizing to your children and others around you whenever you make a mistake. Model making amends by finding ways to fix or repair the situation when you make a mistake.

Expert Review

All Parenting Translator newsletters are reviewed by experts on the topic to make sure that they are as helpful and as accurate for parents as possible. Today’s newsletter was reviewed by: Dr. Jordana Mortimer and Dr. Erin Avirett from Mind & Child. Drs. Mortimer and Avirett are child psychologists with over 20 combined years of clinical experience. They have created a video parenting course, “Parenting 101,” full of implementable parenting tools that are based on decades of parenting and developmental research. They even have an entire video on the art of apologizing! Their clinical experience, as well as their own parenting, inspired them to create a course which would benefit both parents and children to create a strong relationship and build lifelong skills. Check out the Parenting 101 course at: www.mindandchild.com. Or follow them on instagram at @mindandchild.

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