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What strikes me is that this would be the exact same advice I would give for praising anybody - A work colleague, Someone doing a job for you, a spouse. Whatever. Specific and directed towards the behavior.

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Oct 25·edited Oct 25

One thing I noticed when I became a parent and read a bunch of parenting books was that like 90% of the advice boils down "would you say/do that (in those words, that tone of voice, etc) to an adult friend or coworker? No? Then maybe consider not doing it with your kids either."

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It’s easy to forget that kids are actually people. They resist being controlled just as much as we do. And they desire love just as much.

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This is such a great post with practical, actionable tips. I do want to add that my issue with "I'm so proud of you" is that it makes the achievement/accomplishment about the parent rather than the child. My mother-in-law says this CONSTANTLY, still to this day, to my grown-ass adult husband (and me). It's like the best compliment she can come up with is "I'm so proud of you" and it drives me absolutely BONKERS. I'd much rather a "That's great! Good for you!" or literally anything else. HA- one day I'll confront her about it as my kids get older and it starts to impact them. But that's my two cents!

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Wonderful, relatable advice and overview of the research. The emphasis on process over specific accomplishments is so critical. Supporting children in their efforts and overcoming struggles is so essential.

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As a retired educator and great-grandmother, I have taught these ideas for many years. I published a book called Parenting with Kindness and Consequences. My current project is a book focused on ways to help children with dyslexia. I am passionate about this topic. Hopefully, I'll still be writing something when they bury me. I tell the children, "I can't go now. I have to finish the dyslexia book first!" Keep up your wonderful work. Barbara Frandsen

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Whew, thank you for this.

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Kids want to please their parents. This is a good thing. Civilization depends on it! I see a lot of false alarm about praise turning kids into "people pleasers." Only sociopaths don't care what anyone else thinks! The trick for the rest of us is to figure out whose opinion matters to us. Not everyone's!

The guidelines about the most effective ways to praise kids are useful, and so is the recognition that we don't have to be perfect about it. But the bigger issue is that, as parents, we want to be pleasable. That's more important than using the perfect words. Some of the saddest adults I've had in my practice are ones who say, "Nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents." Ouch.

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