I often think about it in this way--is there something I could do for me instead of being on my phone-talking to a friend, reading a book, meditating for a few moments. Sometimes those are possible. But also all of those can now also be done through our phones. It is such a dilemma. But we need to not shame ourselves, we need to think about what we need to stay strong, sane, and awake.
Some of the effects observed in the research seem like they could also happen from something like a book - reduced responsiveness, the "still face" effects, which makes me wonder if we're demonizing technology to an unfair degree, or put another way, making the "technology" of the past (books) artificially morally positive? After all, as you said, reading can happen on a device, which means the activity of reading, from which the distraction actually derives, becomes secondary to the medium through which we're doing it in terms of evaluating whether it's "good" or "bad". What are your thoughts?
I think the problem is that phones are designed to be more addictive than a book, they are designed to suck you in and there are a lot of people set to make a-lot of money when they succeed. I find I will pick up my phone because I’ve received a message or notification, and then will get drawn into other apps, before I know it I’ve spent an hour scrolling social media or reading articles, not doing what I planned to spend that time on.
Oh this strikes a chord! I’ve become utterly reliant on my Kindle as a way to sneak in 5 mins here and there while I’m on the go but it is yet ANOTHER screen! But like you said, moderation and balance are everything, and I’m trying to be better at showing my kid that there’s a balance because no doubt she will have the same issue when she’s older!
I think at the very root of it is that fact that I'm addicted to my phone and the endless scroll. While it definitely intrudes on my quality time spent with my kid I think it's just a larger indicator that I clearly need a phone cleanse. I used to be really proud of how un-addicted I was to my phone but then a pandemic happened and well... Thank you for sharing on this topic. It's one I've definitely wondered about quite a lot.
I makes my stomach drop when I see my son (11 months) reach for my phone when he sees me on it. He gets no access to my phone, but whenever it's out - he wants it. I've seen how other kids have become utterly dependent on the screens and it always makes me more conscious of how much access to screens I want him getting. My solution? Ooodles of books. All the picture, flips/flaps and sensory feels. So far its been a huge win.
This is a great article! I love that you want to take the shame away. Technology has become such a huge part of our daily lives, so I completely understand how difficult it must be for parents to stay away from their devices, especially when bored, busy, or stressed. I think your advice presents a good balance of being able to be present with your children and avoid technoference, while simultaneously acknowledging that using technology is normal and okay when limited. Thank you for this!
Also--love how your incorporated the Still Face Paradigm into the concept of using technology around your kids! I recognized the study but didn't process just how relevant its findings can be in applying to other concepts. Awesome!
This is a wonderful and encouraging read for any parent. Thank you for this! Our phones have become an essential, inseparable part of life. However, when it comes to our children, we should be able to draw lines where necessary to attend to their needs.
Thank you for this great explanation! I was wondering if there is similar research on parents doing other activities. For instance, if a mom is cleaning and sitting with some sewing, are children equally frustrated? I’m wondering if it’s simply frustration that the parent isn’t engaged, or if there is something unique about technology usage. On the one hand, I definitely do feel like there is less ability for a child to be involved when the activity is on a phone. Often, young children can “help” with other activities. On the other hand, I think we often feel more guilt and fear if we say “hold on a sec” while typing an email than while doing more traditional work like cooking. My 80s mom definitely had no guilt telling me I had to be quiet and not interrupt when she was talking on the phone 😂
That is a great point that with other activities there are ways for your child to be involved but not with the phone. I never realized how often I said "hold on a sec" until my children started using it with me!
Thank you for this great summary of the research and tips Dr. Nesi! As a working mom, I always tried to keep work at work and home at home. And then the pandemic happened! As I moved into a world in which sometimes I worked at home and sometimes I worked in the office, I found I always had my phone next to me to stay engaged at work even when I was trying to stay engaged with my children. What suggestions do other work from home parents have to do a better job separating work from home life when then are in the same place?!
I agree this is a huge struggle for me as well especially because I try to do so much of my writing, posting, commenting from my phone as it is mobile and comes with me everywhere so I can do work in the car when I have a few precious moments waiting for pick up and for practices to end.
I think it’s probably a case of “if you do phone still face but you still have a lot of moments of strong connection and warmth, your kid can recover. But if you don’t have these ameliorating factors- and maybe you’re on your phone that much because you’re just a detached parent in the first place and not a well meaning parent with a mild addiction, then your kid is screwed”.
The percentage of your child’s waking hours you spend staring at a screen despite repeated bids for connection (or hell, staring into a book- is that much better?) also matters. If you are absorbed 90% of the time that constitutes both a relational and a safety hazard- no matter how safe your house is, if your child is that unsupervised they’re probably in some measure of danger.
And there’s the modeling aspect. I’m concerned that if I model ignoring everybody and being absorbed in screens, my kids will start to think that’s normal and acceptable. I’ve met enough iPad zombie kids at restaurants (my zoomer cousin is one of them. You CANNOT get him to pull his head out of a screen for long enough to talk to any of us. If you ask him a question, he grunts. And if his parents try to remove his screen, he creates a huge issue) that I do not want my kids to become one of them. I make it a point to converse with them at restaurants, even if they are two years old and not that good at making small talk. After all, isn’t it just good manners to try to include everyone at the table in socializing?
And not only does it become acceptable in their minds, they may start to demand their own personal devices to be absorbed in. After all, nobody’s talking to them anyway. If YOU can’t be expected to entertain yourself without screens, who are you to tell them they have to sit, be bored, be creative, connect, make conversation?Where is your authority to refuse them at that point?
I’m by no means perfect. I think I’m on my phone way too much around them. But a rule I make for myself is, unless it’s extremely important or urgent, a bid for connection always ranks above whatever I’m doing on my phone. If they want me to put my phone down, I put my phone down.
I wonder if any of the research compared phone use parental distraction to non phone use parental distraction. For example, do the same feelings arise in children when a parent ignores them to cook dinner or talk to a friend vs a phone?
I often think about it in this way--is there something I could do for me instead of being on my phone-talking to a friend, reading a book, meditating for a few moments. Sometimes those are possible. But also all of those can now also be done through our phones. It is such a dilemma. But we need to not shame ourselves, we need to think about what we need to stay strong, sane, and awake.
Some of the effects observed in the research seem like they could also happen from something like a book - reduced responsiveness, the "still face" effects, which makes me wonder if we're demonizing technology to an unfair degree, or put another way, making the "technology" of the past (books) artificially morally positive? After all, as you said, reading can happen on a device, which means the activity of reading, from which the distraction actually derives, becomes secondary to the medium through which we're doing it in terms of evaluating whether it's "good" or "bad". What are your thoughts?
I think the problem is that phones are designed to be more addictive than a book, they are designed to suck you in and there are a lot of people set to make a-lot of money when they succeed. I find I will pick up my phone because I’ve received a message or notification, and then will get drawn into other apps, before I know it I’ve spent an hour scrolling social media or reading articles, not doing what I planned to spend that time on.
Oh this strikes a chord! I’ve become utterly reliant on my Kindle as a way to sneak in 5 mins here and there while I’m on the go but it is yet ANOTHER screen! But like you said, moderation and balance are everything, and I’m trying to be better at showing my kid that there’s a balance because no doubt she will have the same issue when she’s older!
I think at the very root of it is that fact that I'm addicted to my phone and the endless scroll. While it definitely intrudes on my quality time spent with my kid I think it's just a larger indicator that I clearly need a phone cleanse. I used to be really proud of how un-addicted I was to my phone but then a pandemic happened and well... Thank you for sharing on this topic. It's one I've definitely wondered about quite a lot.
I agree that the pandemic made us all much more addicted to our phone as it was one of the few ways we had to connect to people and stay sane.
I makes my stomach drop when I see my son (11 months) reach for my phone when he sees me on it. He gets no access to my phone, but whenever it's out - he wants it. I've seen how other kids have become utterly dependent on the screens and it always makes me more conscious of how much access to screens I want him getting. My solution? Ooodles of books. All the picture, flips/flaps and sensory feels. So far its been a huge win.
It makes my stomach drop too but the research makes me feel a bit better. I love the idea of interactive boars books!
This is a great article! I love that you want to take the shame away. Technology has become such a huge part of our daily lives, so I completely understand how difficult it must be for parents to stay away from their devices, especially when bored, busy, or stressed. I think your advice presents a good balance of being able to be present with your children and avoid technoference, while simultaneously acknowledging that using technology is normal and okay when limited. Thank you for this!
Also--love how your incorporated the Still Face Paradigm into the concept of using technology around your kids! I recognized the study but didn't process just how relevant its findings can be in applying to other concepts. Awesome!
That study is such an important foundational study and I love connecting it.
This is a wonderful and encouraging read for any parent. Thank you for this! Our phones have become an essential, inseparable part of life. However, when it comes to our children, we should be able to draw lines where necessary to attend to their needs.
Thank you for that great summary of the place we are in as parents!
Thank you for this great explanation! I was wondering if there is similar research on parents doing other activities. For instance, if a mom is cleaning and sitting with some sewing, are children equally frustrated? I’m wondering if it’s simply frustration that the parent isn’t engaged, or if there is something unique about technology usage. On the one hand, I definitely do feel like there is less ability for a child to be involved when the activity is on a phone. Often, young children can “help” with other activities. On the other hand, I think we often feel more guilt and fear if we say “hold on a sec” while typing an email than while doing more traditional work like cooking. My 80s mom definitely had no guilt telling me I had to be quiet and not interrupt when she was talking on the phone 😂
That is a great point that with other activities there are ways for your child to be involved but not with the phone. I never realized how often I said "hold on a sec" until my children started using it with me!
Thank you for this great summary of the research and tips Dr. Nesi! As a working mom, I always tried to keep work at work and home at home. And then the pandemic happened! As I moved into a world in which sometimes I worked at home and sometimes I worked in the office, I found I always had my phone next to me to stay engaged at work even when I was trying to stay engaged with my children. What suggestions do other work from home parents have to do a better job separating work from home life when then are in the same place?!
I agree this is a huge struggle for me as well especially because I try to do so much of my writing, posting, commenting from my phone as it is mobile and comes with me everywhere so I can do work in the car when I have a few precious moments waiting for pick up and for practices to end.
I think it’s probably a case of “if you do phone still face but you still have a lot of moments of strong connection and warmth, your kid can recover. But if you don’t have these ameliorating factors- and maybe you’re on your phone that much because you’re just a detached parent in the first place and not a well meaning parent with a mild addiction, then your kid is screwed”.
The percentage of your child’s waking hours you spend staring at a screen despite repeated bids for connection (or hell, staring into a book- is that much better?) also matters. If you are absorbed 90% of the time that constitutes both a relational and a safety hazard- no matter how safe your house is, if your child is that unsupervised they’re probably in some measure of danger.
And there’s the modeling aspect. I’m concerned that if I model ignoring everybody and being absorbed in screens, my kids will start to think that’s normal and acceptable. I’ve met enough iPad zombie kids at restaurants (my zoomer cousin is one of them. You CANNOT get him to pull his head out of a screen for long enough to talk to any of us. If you ask him a question, he grunts. And if his parents try to remove his screen, he creates a huge issue) that I do not want my kids to become one of them. I make it a point to converse with them at restaurants, even if they are two years old and not that good at making small talk. After all, isn’t it just good manners to try to include everyone at the table in socializing?
And not only does it become acceptable in their minds, they may start to demand their own personal devices to be absorbed in. After all, nobody’s talking to them anyway. If YOU can’t be expected to entertain yourself without screens, who are you to tell them they have to sit, be bored, be creative, connect, make conversation?Where is your authority to refuse them at that point?
I’m by no means perfect. I think I’m on my phone way too much around them. But a rule I make for myself is, unless it’s extremely important or urgent, a bid for connection always ranks above whatever I’m doing on my phone. If they want me to put my phone down, I put my phone down.
I wonder if any of the research compared phone use parental distraction to non phone use parental distraction. For example, do the same feelings arise in children when a parent ignores them to cook dinner or talk to a friend vs a phone?