Raising Grateful Children

The science behind how parents can encourage real gratitude

Nov 22, 2022

Source: Brett Jordan/Pexels

Why Gratitude Matters

Research finds that gratitude in children is associated with greater happiness, life satisfaction, and emotional well-being. Interventions that increase gratitude in children are associated with increased optimism, life satisfaction, and fewer negative emotions. Gratitude may also help to prevent the development of depression in children. Similarly, in adults, gratitude has been linked to improved physical and psychological health.

How to Encourage Gratitude

So the research clearly suggests that it is important for children to develop gratitude, but what can we as parents do to encourage the development of gratitude in children?

Talk about gratitude with your children

Research finds that parents who talk about gratitude more often with their children have children who display gratitude more often. They also found that children tended to display more gratitude on days when their parents discussed gratitude more frequently than on days when their parents discussed it less frequently. The researchers created a framework that they referred to as: Notice, Think, Feel, Do. The idea is that you notice what you have in your life to be grateful for, you think about why and how you have been given these things, you feel the positive emotions related to what you have been given, and you do something to express gratitude for these things.

Source: The Raising Grateful Children Project

You can also turn this framework into specific conversations with your child:

Pointing out something that the child has or has received (“Isn’t it so wonderful that you have toys to play with every day?”)
Asking the child about their feelings after receiving something (“How did you feel when grandma surprised you with that present?”)
Asking the child why they might have received something or why someone might have done something for them (“I wonder why your teacher came to watch your soccer game this weekend?”)
Pointing out the child’s fortune or privilege (“Isn’t it so nice that we have a warm house on this cold day?”)
Responding positively to your child’s displays of gratitude (“It was nice how you said ‘thank you’ to your teacher after school today!”)

The authors of this study created a free online program for parents who are interested in learning more about how to have these conversations and increase their children’s gratitude. Click here to access the free program.

Regularly create gratitude lists

Gratitude lists involve writing down people, objects, or events that you are grateful for as a regular practice. For college students, writing gratitude lists was associated with increased gratitude, as well as increased enthusiasm, determination, attention, and energy. In addition, the students who wrote the gratitude lists were also more likely to help others and provide emotional support to others.

There is also some evidence that this finding may extend to children. In one study with children aged 11 to 14 years, the children were split into three groups. The first group was asked to write down five things they were grateful for every day for 2 weeks, the second group wrote down five things that irritated them every day for 2 weeks, and the third group (the “control” group) did neither. The researchers found that the group that wrote gratitude lists showed increased satisfaction with school compared to the group that listed irritating events and the control group. In addition, the gratitude group showed increased gratitude, greater optimism, higher life satisfaction, and fewer negative emotions than the group that listed irritating events (but not the control group), suggesting that focusing on negative events in itself may reduce gratitude.

Teach children what gratitude really means

Researchers found that teaching children what gratitude really means through a specific curriculum resulted in children experiencing more gratitude, showing more grateful thinking, and expressing more gratitude. These lesson plans were even associated with increased gratitude and mood five months later. This curriculum taught gratitude to children to by breaking it down into three parts:

Understanding why the other person did something kind
Understanding the potential costs that they experienced in being kind
Understanding how others benefit when people help them or give to them

Write thank-you notes

Research suggests that thank-you notes are not simply a boring chore you should be making your children do when they receive a gift but a way to generate real feelings of gratitude. In one study, children aged 8 to 19 years were asked to write and then read a thank-you note aloud to someone they needed to thank or to simply write about daily experiences and feelings. The researchers found that the students who showed low levels of happiness at the start of the experiment showed more gratitude and feelings of happiness after writing a thank-you note.

In addition to writing the typical thank-you notes for gifts, you can also encourage children to write thank you letters for people who help them in any way (for example, teachers, USPS workers, bus drivers, coaches, etc) since this practice may help them to notice and feel gratitude for people in their lives that they might not have before.

Model Gratitude

Research finds that children show higher levels of gratitude when their parents model it for them. You can model gratitude by thanking your child and others around you or expressing your gratitude through actions. You can get bonus points if you also try to point out to your child what the other person might have sacrificed and how exactly it helped you. For example: “Thank you so much for helping me to clean up the kitchen today. I know that you wanted to keep playing but it is so much easier when we clean it together. I really appreciate your help.”

A Quick Note About Making Children Say “Thank You”

To the best of my knowledge, there is no research on whether you should ask your child to say “thank you” when they do not do so spontaneously. Some argue that this practice is ill-advised because saying “thank you” after being prompted by a parent would be insincere and does not help children to develop genuine gratitude. However, on the other hand, reminding children to say “thank you” may help them to recognize when someone has done something nice for them and research does find that noticing when someone does something for you is noticing when someone does something for you is an essential step in developing genuine gratitude.

When there is no research on a topic, parenting decision often come down to family values and your own intuition. If saying “thank you” is an important value for your family and it feels right for you to encourage your child to say “thank you,” you may choose to remind your child to say “thank you.” However, if it seems insincere to you and you would like to focus on developing genuine gratitude, you should not feel a need to justify this choice to others.

Overall Translation

Gratitude is an important life skill that is associated with increased well-being, happiness, and life satisfaction in children. You can encourage gratitude in your child through talking about gratitude, creating gratitude lists, teaching gratitude, writing thank-you notes, and modeling gratitude. There is no research on whether you should ask your child to say “thank you” so do what feels right to you as a parent!

Expert Review

All Parenting Translator newsletters are reviewed by experts in the topic to make sure that they are as helpful and as accurate for parents as possible. Today’s newsletter was reviewed by Dr. Emily Edlynn, PhD. Dr. Edlynn is a clinical psychologist and mother to three children. She has a private practice in Oak Park, Illinois and provides free resources for parents through her blog, The Art and Science of Mom at www.emilyedlynnphd.com. Dr. Edlynn is the advice columnist for Parents and has an upcoming book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children.

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