Recent Research Finds Internet Rules Work— Until They Don’t
New research finds that parents setting rules around internet use may backfire as kids get older
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Many parents feel lost when it comes to setting rules and limits around internet use, and this shouldn’t be surprising. Those of us who are currently raising children are the very first generation of parents to be raising children in a fully digital age and the faced with the very daunting task of setting limits on the endless amounts of information available at our children’s fingertips in an instant. Your own parents probably had very few, if any, rules around internet use since it was not nearly as accessible as it is today and they may have been unaware of all of the potential danger. Without this model from our own childhood, most of us parents are going in blind and simply using trial-and-error to determine what might work or not work for our children. It’s no wonder that it feels so overwhelming.
Of course, nearly all parents would agree that some rules are essential— it is a terrifying thought to think of what our kids might do when left entirely to their own devices… with their devices. However, we also might worry that too many rules might result in kids not learning how to moderate their own behavior and pushing back against those rules. Think about the kids you knew who weren’t allowed to eat junk food in high school and then got to college and couldn’t control themselves around Oreos. Research backs this up, finding that overly controlling rules are linked to more rebellion in kids. So how exactly do you set rules around internet use that keep children from becoming screen-obsessed zombies but also allow them the autonomy they need to learn how to moderate their own use?
The Most Recent Research
A recent study addressed this very important question. This study included 315 children aged 10 to 18 years who were followed for 1.5 years The researchers looked at whether parents having stricter rules around internet use made a child more at risk for developing problematic social media use (such as being preoccupied with social media, lying about social media use, or experiencing withdrawal from social media). Surprisingly enough, parents with stricter rules were not always more likely to have children with problematic social media use. Instead, it depended on the child’s age. For kids younger than 12 years, stricter rules meant they were less likely to develop problematic social media use. For kids older than 16 years, stricter rules meant they were more likely to develop problematic social media use. For kids between 12 to 16 years, rules were not significantly associated with problematic social media use.
Why Does Age Matter?
So how could rules be beneficial for younger children and not for older children? It may be because older teens have a greater need for independence and autonomy, which ultimately makes anything that is restricted by their parents seem more and more appealing (this is called psychological reactance theory). In line with this idea, older teenagers report that they are actually more likely to view media restricted by their parents. Friends also become more and more important over the course of adolescence and teens may start to value their friends’ opinions over their parents’ rules.
Why Kind of Rules Should You Set?
Here are some examples of some rules that were included in the current study:
How long your child can use the internet (you may limit how long per day, how long in a single sitting, how long they may use particular apps)
What your child needs to do before using the internet (you may require them to complete homework, chores, eat dinner, exercise, etc.)
What times of day they can use the internet (you may restrict use during mealtimes, the hour before bedtime, weekday morning)
Where to store devices when they aren’t in use (you may require them to put their phone or tablet out of sight at night, during school, and during mealtimes)
Social rules around internet use (you may ask them to put their phone away when someone is talking to them or during special family times)
Overall Translation
Recent research finds that stricter rules around internet use are linked to a lower risk for problematic use for children under 12 years old but are linked to a higher risk for problematic use for children older than 16 years. However, this research is correlational, meaning we don’t know if the rules set by parents actually prevent or encourage problematic. Despite this serious limitation, this research suggests that for younger children (under 12 years) parents may want to set very specific rules about when, where, and how long they use devices. From age 12 to 16 years, parents may want to give their children increasing autonomy over their own internet use. For older children (over 16 years) parents may want to collaborate with them to develop general guidelines for use, while ultimately allowing them to make day-to-day decisions about their internet use.
Here are a few additional research-backed tips:
Talk about the rules openly and involve your child in rule-making: Research finds that having an open and honest discussion with your child about internet use is linked to a lower risk for problematic use. This discussion might include explaining why the rules exist, problem solving around rules you don’t agree on, and using the internet together and talking about what you are experiencing (“What do you like about Instagram? What makes it hard to stop scrolling?”).
Don’t use screen time as a reward or punishment: Research finds that this practice is actually associated with more screen use. When you use screen time as a reward or punishment, you are communicating that screen use is even more important and desirable than it really is. When you take screen time away, it becomes the “forbidden fruit” that your child may want even more or feel like they need to lie to you to obtain.
Try to be on the same page with your coparent about media use: Have a conversation to discuss your attitude toward technology and support each other in decisions related to Internet-specific coparenting. Research finds that parents who reported poorer quality of coparenting around internet use also reported less positive parenting and were less likely to involve their children in setting rules.
Set a good example: Research finds that parents are more likely to have children with problematic use. Not surprisingly, parents who use their phones more around their children are more likely to have less rules for their children around internet use and show less positive parenting. If you struggle with using your phone too much, talk to your children about the strategies you are using to address it (such as setting boundaries around phone use, using apps and setting to limit your access, intentionally replacing phone use with healthier coping strategies, and tracking your use).
Create a relationship in which your kids feel comfortable coming to you: Previous research finds that when kids feel closer to their parents, they are less like to hide their online behavior which ultimately means less problematic internet use. You can create this relationship by letting your kids know they can always come to you and won't get in trouble (“If you see something that makes you uncomfortable online, you can tell me and I won’t be mad”), avoiding threats, explaining why you are monitoring them (“I don’t want to get you in trouble. I want to make sure that you are safe.”), and staying calm when they do break the rules.
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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).
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"rules are beneficial for younger children and not for older children" - that finding upends the whole conventional wisdom about "just set firm boundaries." the research lets you off the hook for not being consistent across your kids' ages, but then you reframe it: rules work for kids under 12, autonomy becomes the goal from 12-16, collaboration at 16-plus. that structure is generous because it assumes growth instead of assuming the parent has failed. what struck me most is how you framed the problem: parents making rules does not teach kids to regulate themselves, it teaches them that regulation comes from the outside. so the goal shifts from rules to relationship, from limits to dialogue. the thing nobody wants to admit is that this requires you to be willing to show your kid your own messy relationship with your phone, your own struggle. do you find that parents can actually do that, or is the shame around their own use usually too thick?
I've always been a bit confused on when "strict" rules are good and bad. Pretty much every parent has strict times on 16 year olds drinking alcohol, having sex, smoking marijuana, and so on. Does the research say that all of those are counterproductive and parents shouldn't have strict rules for alcohol and sex for older teens?