How Do You Encourage Your Child to Play Independently
Independent play is important for both children and parents... but how do you actually make it happen?
Source: Cottonbro/Pexels
Getting your child to engage in “independent play” (that is, playing without endless requests for you to join in the play) is undoubtedly the “holy grail” of parenting. When your child plays independently, you get the chance to get make dinner or send that important email without constant interruptions or even the guilt of using screen time. Independent play also takes the pressure off of parents from serving as the child’s only source of entertainment— a job that many of us did not sign up for nor want.
In recognizing the need for all parents to have a break, many parenting experts will advise that parents simply get their children to play independently rather than turn on a screen. Honestly, I find these suggestions a little annoying since I think most parents would choose independent play over screen time if their child would actually play independently. Instead, many parents report that their children have no interest in independent play, preferring instead to follow their parents around repeatedly saying “I’m bored,” which ultimately leads to even the most patient parents to turning on a screen. So rather than simply preaching about the benefits of independent play time, I am going to give you some concrete, research-backed tips for actually getting your kids to play independently. Although these tips may not get your child playing independently overnight, they may ultimately help your child to gain independent play skills and eventually allow you at least a few minutes of a break!
1. Engage in "special play time" with your child once per day if possible.
It may seem counterintuitive, but in order to get children to play independently, you first need to play with them to teach them important play skills and provide them with the attention that they are craving from you. The most effective way to accomplish this is to have regular "special play time" with your child. During this "special play time," it is imperative that your child lead the play while you are only observing and describing what you see. Praise any appropriate behavior your child shows, repeat what your child says, validate their emotions, and describe their actions like a sportscaster It is also important that you avoid all demands, teaching, questions, or criticism during this time. For example, rather than “What color is this block?” say “I love how you are stacking those blocks.” Rather than “Can we race our cars?”, say “You’re driving the car back and forth, saying vroom, vroom.”
"Special play time" should be a one-on-one interaction without any distractions such as phones, background television, or siblings. Having "special play time" as a part of your daily routine will also help children to understand when you are available to play with them and when you are not. A randomized controlled trial of a parenting program found that, when parents are taught this type of child-led play, their children show more frequent independent play.
“Special play time” does not need to be long but can be as short as 10 to 15 minutes. I promise that you will be surprised by what a difference even 10 minutes of focused play time can make!
2. Create realistic goals for independent play with your child.
Work with your child to create realistic goals for how long your child will engage in independent play (for some children, the goal may initially be only one or two minutes). After you create the goal, use a visual timer (this is the one that I use) so that your child can refer to the timer to know how much longer they have left rather than asking you. Make sure that you also explain to your child how the timer works, as well as exactly what is expected of them and what you will be doing during this time period. Young children may not understand exactly what the “independent play time” means so they may still interrupt you or try to turn on a screen, unless you clearly explain the “rules” for independent play.
You can then gradually increase the time goals as the child matures and gains independent play skills. Be patient as children's ability to play independently increases with age.
A visual timer referred to as the Time Timer (www.timetimer.com)
3. Reward your child with attention and praise when they achieve their goals for independent play.
After your child has successfully met their goal for independent play, reward them with your attention. Research finds that parental attention is a powerful motivator for behavior. When you pay attention to your child’s behavior, you make that specific behavior more likely to occur in the future.
On a typical day, a busy parent is likely to disengage and pay less attention when their child is playing independently and use that opportunity to attend to work or chores. The parent is then likely to quickly return their attention to the child when they stop playing independently and engage in negative behavior (whining, fighting, aggression, etc.). However, this pattern will only decrease the likelihood that your child will play independently and increase the likelihood that they will engage in negative behavior in the future. Instead, by paying attention to your child meeting their goals for independent play, it may help to increase the frequency of independent play. During this time, you may also want to ignore any minor negative behavior that you do not want to see more of, such as whining that they are “bored” or asking you to play with them after you clearly explained the independent play period. If you choose to ignore this type of minor negative behavior, explain to them in advance what you will and will not respond to during independent play time.
When your child achieves their goal for independent play, you can also reward them with verbal praise and/or nonverbal reinforcement, such as a high-five. Research finds that verbal praise and nonverbal reinforcement encourage children to persist in a difficult task (and playing independently may be very difficult for some children initially). For older children, you can also set up a sticker chart or token reward system where they earn a sticker or token for meeting independent play goals and they can then turn in the stickers/tokens for bigger rewards, such as extra special time with a parent. Research finds that these types of rewards systems are effective at changing behavior in children.
4. Give children specific instructions for independent play if necessary.
Research finds that giving children specific instructions may help to improve their ability to play independently. For example, ask your child to complete two puzzles while you empty the dishwasher or color three pages of a coloring book while you put the baby down for a nap. It may helpful for your child if you start with play activities that have a clear starting and ending point. It can also be helpful for your child if you explain where you will be and what you will be doing.
Gradually, ask them to complete more time-consuming or complicated tasks for independent play time. Then, when they have gained stronger independent play skills, start giving them choices instead of suggestions and work towards having them initiate independent play time activities on their own.
5. Do not interrupt your child’s play or distract them when they are focused on independent play.
Research indicates that interruptions (such as showing the child a different toy) have a negative impact on children’s attention on a play task. For this reason, you want to avoid interfering with independent play time in any way. Even if they seem bored or unoccupied, they may be just seconds away from coming up with their own creative play idea so give them the time and space to do so.
As I mentioned above, it is important to pay attention and reward them for meeting their independent play time goals but make sure you are waiting until independent play time is complete before doing so—or you may be disrupting their process!
6. Use special toys or books that are only provided for independent play time.
It may also be helpful to try to identify which toys are most engaging for your child and save these toys for independent play time. The particular toys may be different for every child, but research finds that children tend to engage with musical instrument toys or books to a greater extent independently than other types of toys. Research also suggests that simple and open-ended toys (that is, toys that can be used for a variety of different purposes) tend to keep children’s attention for a longer of time and lead to higher quality play.
Magnatiles are a great, open-ended toy that seems to facilitate independent play in my house
8. Be a responsive, sensitive, and empathetic parent whenever you can.
Be responsive and sensitive to your child's needs throughout the day. Consistently show your child empathy and love. Set up predictable routines, particularly around bedtime or any separation (and remember that children may see independent play time as a kind of separation). These strategies will help you to develop a “secure attachment” with your child.
Research suggests that children who are “securely attached” may be more likely to play independently, as they show longer attention spans in play and are able to engage in unstructured play for longer periods of time.
9.DON’T feel guilty about wanting or encouraging independent play time!
Independent play allows parents the chance to accomplish necessary tasks (such as cleaning, making dinner, or caring for other children) and have a necessary break from entertaining their children, while also helping children to gain essential skills such as problem-solving on their own and learning how to entertain themselves. In particular, research finds that the more time that children spend in independent free play, the more advanced self-regulation abilities that they show in early elementary school. Research also suggests that children learn more from independent play than screen time, which is the typical alternative to independent play. So don’t feel guilty when your child plays independently—it is beneficial for both you and your children.
TRANSLATION: Independent play is an important skill for children to learn and parents may be able to encourage the development of this skill by setting up the child's environment to foster independent play. However, as with the development of any skill, parents need to be patient and understand that every child learns this skill at their own rate.
Peer Review
Today’s newsletter was reviewed by Dr. Jillian Sullivan. Dr. Jillian Sullivan received a PhD in Developmental Psychiatry at the University of Cambridge in the UK. Her research at Cambridge focused on how brain development impacts child behavior (and she earned the very prestigious Gates Cambridge scholarship to support this work). She has also conducted research on the biology of parent-child relationships and sensory processing differences in kids. She is now the Lead Evaluation and Data Specialist at a non-profit focused on increasing social-emotional and literacy skills in early education. I asked Dr. Sullivan to serve as a consultant for Parenting Translator since she brings expertise on attachment, brain development, sensory differences, early childhood education, and translating research into the real world.
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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to three children (currently an almost-2-year-old, 4-year-old, and 6-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).
DISCLAIMER: The information and advice in this newsletter is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other professions. Call your medical, mental health professional, or 911 for all emergencies. Dr. Cara Goodwin is not liable for any advice or information provided in this newsletter.