Glimmers of Joy in Parenting

The research behind glimmers (the opposite of triggers) and how to notice and appreciate them as parents

Source: Martha Brook London/Instagram

Anyone who has been a parent for more than two seconds knows that parenting is not all sunshine and rainbows. Yet, parents also know that there are magical moments in parenting that make it all worth it — like getting a gummy smile from your baby or being handed a bouquet of wildflowers that your child picked just for you. Recently, there has been a movement on social media to recognize and appreciate these “glimmers,” or moments of joy. While this idea is discussed as a more general life hack on social media, it seems particularly applicable to the lives of parents which feels like a stress-filled existence punctuated by fleeting glimmers. So can focusing on the glimmers of joy we experience as parents help us to be less stressed out and more content? 

What Are Glimmers?

Glimmers are seemingly insignificant, fleeting moments that stimulate positive feelings, or a general sense of calm, peace or joy. Glimmers are conceptualized as the opposite of triggers, which are reminders of trauma or cues that bring up negative feelings. 

Examples of glimmers in parenting can include: really noticing the beauty in your child’s face, hearing your child mispronounce a word in the most adorable way, feeling your child snuggle up to you as you read them a book at night, singing a song together in the car on the way to school, your child saying “I love you” or “thank you,” or getting a drawing your child made for you at school. 

This concept is not new. Author Glennon Doyle also discussed these parenting moments in 2012 on her blog Momastery, referring to them as “Kairos time.” She explains that Kairos time occurs in “those magical moments when time stands still.” In her blog post she writes, “these kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time…And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.”

The Science Behind Glimmers

While the concept of glimmers is incredibly compelling, there is no research yet that directly examines this experience. Yet, many of the explanations on social media seem to suggest that glimmers are backed by solid neuroscience research. So where do these explanations come from? 

Glimmers were first described by social worker and therapist Deb Dana in her 2018 book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. In the book, Dana provides a convincing neuroscience explanation for why glimmers are important. She claims that the positive impact of glimmers can be explained by polyvagal theory. This theory focuses on the function of the vagus nerve, which connects the brain to important organs such as the heart, lungs and digestive system and has two parts — dorsal and ventral. According to this theory, the dorsal vagus nerve response is the “freeze” that happens in times of intense fear, while the ventral vagus response calms and regulates our nervous system. Dana argues that glimmers activate the ventral vagus nerve response. However, this theory is increasingly questioned by scientists, as the scientific evidence for the vagus nerve response is really lacking. The other claims in this book, such as glimmers reducing anxiety or being particularly helpful for individuals who have experienced trauma, also have not been backed by research. This is a great example of a concept called “neurobabble” — which is the idea that people are more likely to believe scientific findings when they have a neuroscience explanation.

Regardless of this potential neurobabble and the lack of research on this topic, glimmers might still be worth discussing because they fit in perfectly with our understanding of positive psychology (translation: the field of research studying how to maximize happiness and life satisfaction). First, research finds that savoring an experience as you might when noticing a glimmer is associated with increased happiness during times of stress. We also have research showing that paying attention to feelings of gratitude is associated with increased happiness and life satisfaction. Another line of research suggests that finding meaning in your daily activities is associated with more happiness. Glimmers also encourage mindfulness (translation: paying attention to the present moment), which research finds can help parents to control their own emotions in challenging parenting situations, have more compassion for themselves and their child, and reduce parenting stress. 

Overall Translation

We don’t have any research on the concept of glimmers specifically but the positive psychology research we do have suggests that noticing glimmers might be helpful for you as a parent (and as a human more generally). This line of research also provides some suggestions for noticing and appreciating glimmers: 

1. Savor the glimmer moments. Research finds that savoring the moments when you experience a glimmer might help to maximize happiness during challenging times. Savoring could include reflecting on a positive moment from the past, noticing a positive moment in the present, or anticipating a positive moment in the future. So when you are dealing with the daily hassles of parenting, try reflecting on past glimmer moments, noticing the glimmer moments right in front of you and thinking of what glimmer moments you might experience in the future. 

2. Make note or mark the experience of glimmers in some way: The research we have on gratitude suggests that making gratitude lists is associated with increased happiness and life satisfaction. Try to keep a “glimmer journal” or write a note on your phone to keep track of the glimmers you experience. If you don’t have time to write down the glimmers (a very common experience among busy parents), then in your head or even out loud mark the moment as a “glimmer.” Take a moment to thank a higher power or even your child for this special experience. 

3. Think about the meaning behind glimmers: Research finds that noticing meaning in activities of daily life is associated with increased happiness. When a glimmer occurs, think about why it is personally significant for you. For example, if your children hug each other, think about how your children having a close sibling bond is so important to you as a parent. If your child says something sweet to you, think about how wonderful it is to be raising a kind child. 

4. Be present: Glimmers occur in the present moment, so you need to be present to notice them. The research on mindfulness suggests that simply being present may have a positive impact on parenting. One way to be more present is the 5-4-3-2-1 method, in which you notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. If your phone is a distraction, as it is for so many of us, try putting it in another room while you are with your child. 

5. Enjoy what you have rather than always wishing it were better: Research finds that some people tend to be satisfied with what they have while some people are always looking for better. Being satisfied with what you have might help you to experience more glimmers. For example, rather than thinking that you should be on a fabulous beach vacation, notice how nice it is to eat popsicles with your child on a hot summer day. 

6. Adjust your schedule to make room for glimmers: Notice when and where you experience glimmers. Then try to maximize them in your life by scheduling activities that help you to experience more glimmers. Research finds that intentionally scheduling positive activities that you enjoy improves your mood. For example, you might notice more glimmers when you are outside in nature with your kids or when you are cuddling with you kids in bed. Prioritize these moments with your children and wait for the glimmers to occur naturally! 

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a baby, 4-year-old, 6-year-old, and 8-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

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