Bonus Podcast: Ungrateful Behavior

A bonus podcast released today on responding to ungrateful behavior

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As many of us are spending increased time with extended family members over the holidays, we may be feeling dread or stress about our children showing a lack of gratitude (or as our older relatives may call it —“bratty” or “spoiled” behavior). For some reason, our children being ungrateful towards others, particularly older relatives, seems worse than them being ungrateful with us in the comfort of our own home. For example, my children occasionally refer to the meals I make for them as “disgusting” or “gross” and it rarely even phases me. Yet, if they said this to someone else, I would be mortified. It is often situations like these that make us wonder whether we are raising “spoiled brats” (even though we might hate this term) and feel desperate for a way to prevent this behavior.

So let’s dig into the research. Why is ungrateful behavior so common in young children? And how do we as parents respond to ungrateful behavior in a way that discourages it in the future?

What Is Ungrateful Behavior and Why Is It So Common in Young Children?

According to focus groups of parents, ungrateful behavior can include failing to say “thank you,” assuming someone else will do something for them or failing to consider others in their actions (such as making a mess and assuming someone else will clean up after them), demanding something or not wanting what is offered (such as throwing a tantrum when they don’t get a toy that they want), or a misplaced feeling of deprivation (such as claiming that other children have more toys than them). These behaviors often occur at times that the child could have been grateful, so they may not only represent ingratitude but also missed opportunities for gratitude.

Research suggests that children may not fully understand gratitude until 7 to 10 years. In addition, cross-cultural research finds that children’s understanding of gratitude continues to become more complex throughout the teenage years. Young children are also less likely to express gratitude to others. For example, one study found that only 21% of children 6 years and younger said “thank you” during trick-or treating, while 88% of children 11 years and older did.

This developmental timeline suggests that ungrateful behavior does not always reflect true ingratitude. Rather, ungrateful behavior in young children is often related to a lack of skills or simply forgetting to express gratitude. Specifically, young children are often ungrateful because they do not understand a concept known as “theory of mind” (translation: they do not yet understand that other people have thoughts and feelings that are separate from theirs). For example, if you do not understand that your grandmother bought you a gift because they thought you would like it even though you actually don’t like it, then it would be difficult to feel or express gratitude. In addition, young children are also still developing their emotional understanding. Therefore, they may not understand why it might hurt your feelings when you leave work early to pick them up and they say something like “I wish daddy had picked me instead of you.”

TRANSLATION: Ungrateful behavior is normal and expected in young children. Remember that your child’s ability to feel and express gratitude may still be developing and ungrateful behavior does not mean that they are “spoiled brats.”

How To Respond to Ungrateful Behavior

Even knowing that ingratitude is typical of young children, many parents still feel unclear about how to respond to ingratitude. Interestingly, research shows that how parents respond to their children’s ingratitude matters. 

In this study, researchers found that parents tended to respond to ingratitude in one of six ways:

1. Self-blame (wondering what you did wrong to raise an ungrateful child)

2. “Let-it-be” (not doing anything and hoping they will eventually learn to be more grateful)

3. Distress (feeling upset that your child is not more grateful)

4. Punish (giving a consequence like taking away a toy or spanking your child when they show ungrateful behavior)

5. Give-in (giving in to stop the ungrateful behavior, such as purchasing a toy that they are whining for)

6. Instruct (informing your child about the importance of gratitude)

Researchers found that parents who tended to punish their children for ingratitude were more likely to report that their children were more grateful 3 years later, yet the children were not more likely to report themselves as grateful. In other words, children who are punished may be more likely to show gratitude yet may not actually experience the feeling themselves. In practice, this may look like a child who says “thank you” because of fear of punishment not because of true gratitude. Punishment after ingratitude was also associated with more symptoms of depression and anxiety three years later. However, it may be that these mental health outcomes are more related to an overall parenting style involving harsh punishments rather than punishment after ingratitude specifically. 

This study also found that parents who were more likely to be distressed over ingratitude were less likely to report that their children were grateful three years later, yet their children were more likely to describe themselves as grateful. This finding is difficult to interpret but it may be that these children can sense that gratitude matters to their parents, even when they are not punishing them or lecturing them, and eventually develop feelings of true gratitude later.

Finally, the researchers found that parents who gave instruction after ingratitude were more likely to describe their children as grateful (marginally significant results) three years later but it did not seem to impact the child’s report of gratitude. In other words, they may seem more grateful to their parents but they might not actually feel more gratitude themselves.

Giving in to ingratitude, self-blame, or ignoring ingratitude did not seem to have a significant impact on the parent’s or child’s report of gratitude.

TRANSLATION: Ingratitude is normal for young children but how parents respond to ingratitude may still be important. Based on this research and our broader understanding of child psychology, parents may want to consider the following when responding to their child’s ingratitude:

1. Avoid punishing ingratitude. For example, do not take away a toy if your child complains about not having enough toys or take away dessert because they did not say “thank you.”  Although punishment might make your child show outward signs of gratitude, it is notassociated with the child experiencing more feelings of genuine gratitude but isassociated with an increased risk for symptoms of anxiety and depression.

2. Avoid giving in to demands when your child shows ingratitude. For example, do not buy your child more toys when they complain about not having enough or make them a special meal when they complain about dinner. 

3. Avoid blaming yourself for your child’s ingratitude. Self-blame likely will not increase your child’s gratitude. It is important to remember that your child acting ungrateful does not mean you did anything wrong as a parent. Ingratitude is developmentally appropriate for young children and we all gain gratitude and appreciation with age.  

4. Avoid teaching about gratitude in a moment of ingratitude. Research suggests that instructing children about gratitude in response to ingratitude may help children to show outward signs of gratitude but may not actually generate real feelings of gratitude. However, research also indicates that teaching children about gratitude more generally can increase gratitude. Therefore, it may be best to save these teaching moments for moments of calm when your child isn’t acting ungrateful.

5. Allow yourself to be distressed by your child’s ingratitude. It is normal and expected that your child’s ingratitude may make you feel sad, frustrated, or upset. You can experience these feelings without blaming yourself or punishing or lecturing your child.

6. Focus on gratitude rather than ingratitude. Overall, this study found that most parental reactions to ingratitude did not seem to alter the child’s experience of gratitude. Yet, another line of research finds that when parents teach children about gratitude and model gratitude, children may actually experience more gratitude. Therefore, as in many other realms of parenting, it may be more important to focus on your child’s positive behaviors (gratitude in this case)) rather than their negative behaviors (ingratitude in this case).

Expert Review

All Parenting Translator newsletters are reviewed by experts in the topic to make sure that they are as helpful and as accurate for parents as possible. Today’s newsletter was reviewed by Dr. Emily Edlynn, PhD. Dr. Edlynn is a clinical psychologist and mother to three children. She has a private practice in Oak Park, Illinois and provides free resources for parents through her blog, The Art and Science of Mom at www.emilyedlynnphd.com. Dr. Edlynn is the advice columnist for Parents and has an upcoming book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children.

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