Adjusting to a New Baby

How to help your older children and yourself adjust to the birth of a new baby (according to research)

Nov 16, 2022

My first child with her new baby brother in February 2018

When my second child was born, my first child was almost 2 1/2 years old. Like nearly all second-time parents, I was worried about the transition to having more than one child and did extensive research to find out the best way to help my older child through the transition. Most information that I found online seemed to focus on what I thought were fairly superficial tips that applied only to the newborn period (such as pretending like the newborn baby got a present for the older child and putting the baby in the bassinet when the older child first comes into the hospital room). While these were sensible ideas that I could see helping with the older sibling’s initial reaction, I felt like they didn’t really address the serious emotional repercussions of going from getting 100% of your parents’ attention to 50% or setting the foundation to form a lifelong positive sibling relationship. Because I knew the importance of toddlers knowing what to expect, I knew to talk about the baby frequently and my daughter seemed to grasp the concept as much as a toddler could. However, even with a PhD in child psychology, I was surprised by the reaction she had following the birth of her brother.

When her baby brother arrived very suddenly on a Friday evening, my older daughter was thrilled. She ran excitedly into the hospital room and immediately showered him with affection. I was in the middle of a breastfeeding session but she didn’t seem to care. The baby “gave” her a princess for which she profusely thanked him. When we brought her baby brother home, she was still excited and was constantly giving him kisses and asking to hold him. She clearly loved her brother and seemed to have accepted him as a new member of our family. I very naively thought I had breezed through this transition.

A few weeks later as the excitement wore off, my daughter continued to love her brother and did not express any anger or resentment toward him or us as her parents, yet her behavior got dramatically worse. Although she had been showing typical 2-year-old behavior for quite some time, she began breaking rules on purpose and pushing limits in a way I hadn’t seen before. Even as a child psychologist, I was confused because she was showing no animosity toward her brother. She seemed so happy about having a brother so why was she acting like this? It took me some time to realize that she was adjusting to the birth of her brother in her own way. Although she wasn’t mad at her brother, she was grieving the loss of the attention from her parents and the major changes she was experiencing in her life.

Young children don’t always tell us “Hey, I’m having a hard time with this transition” but instead will show us with their behavior. Of course, this isn’t always the case—sometimes they are just being impulsive young children and we should not read into their behavior. Yet, in this case, it seemed to be related to her emotional adjustment to having a new sibling. With time and some intentional positive attention (praising her by describing positive behaviors such as “I noticed that you got dressed all on your own today!”, having regular special time, helping her to put words to her experience such as “It can be hard sharing attention with your brother even though you love him so much”), the situation improved and she eventually went back to just typical 2-year-old behavior.

This experience was not unique to our family. Nearly every parent who has an additional child after their firstborn worries about how their older child will adjust to this incredibly major change in their family. Many popular books and social media accounts claim to have the method for preparing your child for the birth of a sibling, yet most are not research-based. For example, there is no research study suggesting that the baby give a present to the older child or that parents should not hold the baby when the older child enters the room, yet this is often the only advice parents get. It would be very helpful to have research-backed tips that actually acknowledge that this transition lasts beyond the point that children meet their baby siblings in the hospital!

So what can research tell us about the older sibling’s adjustment to having a new baby sibling? How hard is this transition really? Is there anything you can do as a parent to make this transition a little easier? Is there any way to help yourself as a parent through this transition?

What To Expect When You Add a New Baby to Your Family

Research suggests that older siblings often struggle with the arrival of a new baby. Specifically, research finds that all of the following are common among older siblings:

There is some evidence that this is particularly true for siblings closer in age, yet you can rest assured that age gap is likely to play a minor role in determining the long-term quality of the sibling relationship. In addition, some research finds that smaller age gaps are related to a closer sibling relationship, so don’t take this information to mean that you shouldn’t have children close in age.

It is also important to keep in mind that the transition might not be as bad as you think. Mothers have reported that the behavioral problems of the older child after having a baby are not as bad as they expected and that the older sibling had more positive interactions with the baby than they expected.

How To Help Your Older Child Before the Baby Arrives

Fortunately for all of us, research provides some clues as to how to ease this transition for your older child. The following strategies may be helpful to think about before the baby comes. As we all know, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure (particularly when you know you will be sleep-deprived during the cure)!

Talk about the new baby as a person with their own feelings, thoughts, and desires frequently before the baby is born. Research finds that, when mothers take this approach, the older sibling interacts more positively with their new sibling 8 and 14 months later. For example, “I wonder if when I dance with you like this, the baby is wondering why he's being jostled around so much” or “Do you feel the baby moving around in there? He must love apples because he always does that whenever I eat an apple.” This approach may help the baby to seem “real” and help your child start developing empathy for her new brother or sister.
Set up playdates for your older child and work on their social skills. Developing more advanced social skills may help your child to be ready to have more positive interactions with his or her sibling. Specifically, research finds that older children who show more positive play, longer periods of fantasy play, and better conflict resolution (such as compromising and negotiating) while their mothers are pregnant are more likely to have more positive interactions with their baby siblings 6 and 14 months later. You can work on your child’s social skills through role playing social situations with them (“If I had a toy you wanted to play with, what would you do?”), praising appropriate social skills (“ You waited so patiently for your turn!”), and serving as a coach rather than arbitrator in their conflicts with their friends (“It seems like you both want to play with the truck. How can we solve this problem?”). Ultimately, the key to developing social skills is to practice, practice, practice. So give your child ample opportunities to practice through play dates, activities or classes involving other children, or role playing with you.
Work on your relationship with your older child. Research finds that, when older children have a more secure attachment relationship with their parents before birth, they tend to show a better adjustment to the birth of their sibling. You can work on your relationship with your child by giving positive attention to them, being responsive to their physical and emotional needs, providing consistent and predictable limits, and spending quality time with them.
Read books to your child about having a baby sibling, but be careful about which books you choose. Research finds that children as young as 18 months can learn basic information from books. However, be careful about the books you choose since most children’s books about siblings highlight conflict between siblings and fail to show healthy conflict resolution, negotiation or problem-solving. The authors of this study reported that the following books include positive examples of negotiation or sharing: Martha Alexander’s (1975) I’ll Be the Horse if You’ll Play With Me, Florence B. Freedman’s (1985) Brothers: A Hebrew Legend, and Dale Fife’s (1985) Rosa’s Special Garden. They also state that the following books provide positive examples of siblings solving a problem together: The Train to Lulu’s (Howard, 1998), Slither McCreep and his Brother, Joe (Jonston, 1992), Too Hot for Ice Cream (Van Leeuwen, 1974), Let’s Be Friends Again (Wilhelm, 1986), and That’s Mine! (Winthrop, 1977).

How To Help Your Older Child After the Baby Arrives

Avoid punishments, including physical punishment, yelling, or shaming. Research shows that parents often use more harsh punishments with their older child after the birth of a baby, which is then likely to further increase the older child’s behavior problems. Be careful about how you discipline your older child during the months after having a new baby and avoid punishment. Instead, try to have empathy for the huge disruption to their life and focus on praising by describing and appreciating what they do right rather than punishing what they do wrong. If their behavior isn't safe, take action to protect people and property (such as taking away a toy for a brief period of time if they throw it at their baby sibling, saying "the truck isn't for throwing" or "I can't let Baby get hurt"). In addition, research finds that, as their children get older, parents tend to discipline the older siblings more than their younger brothers and sisters. You'll want to be careful that this dynamic doesn’t develop in your family.
Give positive attention to your older child whenever possible. Research finds that positive attention toward the older child decreases after a new baby is born. You can give your older child positive attention by noticing and enthusiastically describing anything they do “right” instead of only correcting anything they do “wrong.” In particular, describing with appreciation any kind behavior they show toward their infant sibling may be helpful ("You heard Baby crying, and you figured out she wanted her rattle."). You can also provide positive attention by spending special one-on-one time with them, doing something they like to do (without distractions or a baby sibling present).
Ask the non-birthing parenting partner or another adult to get more involved. If your child has another involved parent, or any other adult in their lives who is not the birthing parent, encourage them to get more involved in your child’s care during the transition. Research finds that children in heterosexual two-parent families who seem to adjust most successfully to the birth of a second child tend to have fathers who are more involved in their care. Specifically, this study found that when fathers took over more caregiving activities for the firstborn child, the firstborn children tended to show increased positive behaviors.
Allow your older child to express feelings of anger and dislike of the baby. Research finds no link between anger and antagonism toward their sibling and the later sibling relationship. It can be very hard to hear your child express these thoughts about their new sibling, but try to validate these emotions ("It's frustrating when the baby knocks over your block tower -- you don't like that!"). Remind yourself that it is likely a temporary emotional response that is not predictive of their future relationship with their sibling.
Try to provide “fair” treatment when possible. Research finds that when children detect unfair or differential treatment, it may negatively impact the sibling relationship. However, at the same time, it is also important for children to know that “fair” does not always mean “equal.” Explain that it is part of your job as a parent to give each child what they need. For example, you may let the baby sleep in your room because the baby needs to eat at night, while you may let the older child eat grown-up food like pizza and cupcakes. This isn’t “equal” treatment but it is “fair” based on each child’s needs. Research finds that children are accepting of this type of unequal but fair treatment. This may also mean not favoring the older child over the baby. Although the baby may not be aware of your differential treatment, the older child may be and it could be unsettling to them. For example, don't praise your older child by putting down the baby. "Only big boys can tie their own shoes. Babies don't know how!" Instead you can say, "I know who will be teaching Baby to tie her shoes when she gets old enough!" That way your older child won't feel threatened by the younger sibling, because his self esteem is not based on the baby being less capable.
Encourage your child to act out their concerns in pretend play. Research finds that, when older siblings acted out their concerns in pretend play, they were more likely to have positive interactions with their baby sibling at 6 months. You can get them started by using dolls to represent their parents, themselves, and the baby and modeling a few play schemes for them first. For example, pretend to be the older sibling doll and act out a scenario where the parents do not have time to help her with something because the baby is crying.

How to Help Your Own Adjustment as a Parent

It is so important to remember that your child is not the only one going through a massive change, but you as a parent will also be going through this transition, too. When I was pregnant with my second child, I had a lot of people say discouraging things to me, such as telling me the classic Kris Jenner quote, “One is like one, and two are like twenty.” This is not only extremely unhelpful when you are expecting your second child, but it is also not true. Research finds that mothers report an equivalent level of stress after having their first child as their second child. Research also finds that adding a second child is a largely positive experience. Research also finds that mothers of multiple children are able to get back into a deeper, more restorative sleep after waking up at night and experience less fatigue and less disturbed sleep than first-time mothers.

So what can you do to improve this transition for yourself?

Seek out support from others. Research suggests that mothers get less support with the birth of their second child as compared to their first child. Make a plan in advance in order to get adequate support from family, friends, a postpartum doula, babysitters, or other people in your life. Identify a community of people to support you in both practical and emotional ways (reach out to moms’ groups in your community, get to know your neighbors, find virtual support groups, or ask for help from family and friends).
Build your confidence as a parent. Research finds that mothers with higher confidence were more likely to be “flourishing” in the postpartum period and that parental confidence tends to decrease behavioral problems in children. To build your own confidence, reassure yourself that you are exactly the parent that both of your kids need. Replace less helpful thoughts like “Having two kids will be too much for me” with more helpful thoughts such as “Every day will get a little easier.” In addition, identify experts who can help you to build your confidence as a mother, such as a knowledgeable pediatrician, lactation consultant, parent educator, or physical therapist specializing in treating postpartum concerns
Practice self-compassion. Research finds that high levels of self-compassion are associated with greater well-being in postpartum mothers. Remind yourself that everyone struggles and that you are trying your best. When you are giving yourself a hard time, imagine how you would treat a friend in the same position.
Recognize that many of your feelings are normal. Many parents feel conflicted about the birth of their second child, including feeling guilty about the changes their firstborn will experience and anxiety about being capable of managing the needs of two children. Research finds that many mothers feel anxious about the impact on their firstborn child and may even wonder if they can love the second child as much as the first. Recognize that these feelings are completely normal and they don’t mean that you are not being a “good parent” to your second child.
Have a plan for how you will treat any symptoms of postpartum anxiety or depression. Postpartum depression and anxiety are extremely common. Although having postpartum mood disorders in a previous birth increases your likelihood of experiencing it again, it does not mean you will necessarily experience it again or in the same way, and it does not necessarily mean that if you did not experience mood changes the first time that you will not experience them the second time. Preparing for these symptoms may include setting up a village of support around you, finding a good therapist or psychiatrist in advance, or asking your parenting partner to recognize when you are struggling. It is also important to remember that these mood changes can impact both mothers and fathers.
Seek help from a mental health professional if necessary. If you are experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, excessive guilt, or distressing thoughts that interfere with activities of daily living and/or your relationships, consult with a mental health professional. Therapy can be very effective in helping to manage big life transitions such as having a second child.

Expert Review

All Parenting Translator newsletters are reviewed by experts in the topic to make sure that they are as helpful and as accurate for parents as possible. Today’s newsletter was reviewed by Joanna Faber and Julie King, best selling authors of How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: Your Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7, and How To Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood, as well as the apps How To Talk: Parenting Tips in Your Pocket and Parenting Hero. Joanna and Julie offer online interactive workshops and private consultations, and they speak publicly to school communities, businesses, and other parent groups both in the U.S. and internationally. To learn more, visit www.how-to-talk.com, or follow them on Instagram @howtotalk.forparents and on Facebook @FaberandKing.

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