What NOT To Do When Your Child is Upset
The two most common mistakes parents make in responding to their child's distress (and what to do instead)
Exciting news!!! My new book, What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is officially out this week! You can get it on Amazon and other major retailers. This is a book that you can read with your child to teach them strategies for calming down that actually work! As you may know, book orders in the first week truly make a huge difference to a book’s success. Also please leave an honest review for the book when you have the chance: LEAVE AN AMAZON REVIEW HERE. It only takes a minute (it doesn’t need to be more than a sentence!) and if you send me confirmation of your review and your address, I’ll send you a FREE reward chart to use with your kids!
Imagine two different parents in this situation. A parent and child are walking together. The child trips, skins their knee, and starts crying. The first parent keeps walking without even looking back at the child and says, “You’re okay. Just brush it off.” The second parent rushes in, scoops up the child into their arms, and reacts so intensely that the child becomes even more upset. These two responses look very different but they are the two main patterns that researchers have identified as ineffective responses to a child’s distress. Interestingly enough, research also suggests that there may be a common solution to help both of these parents.
Why your response matters
When our children are upset, we often focus on resolving the issue as quickly as possible. However, it is also important that we zoom out and think about the bigger picture, which is that how we respond influences how our children view emotions and coping. Decades of research show that how parents respond to distress is directly linked to children’s social and emotional development.
The two patterns of responses that researchers suggest parents should avoid are as follows:
Deactivation aka “You’re fine”: This happens when a parent becomes uncomfortable with emotion and tries to shut it down, minimize it, or dismiss it. This can look like:
Showing little physical contact (keeping distance from the child, not hugging or touching them, etc.)
Giving little eye contact or looking away when the child looks at them
Showing very little emotion and having a flat tone of voice
Responding verbally in a way that is non-supportive (“stop crying”), dismissing (“you’re fine”) or downplaying (“this is so silly” or “that’s not worth getting upset over”)
Failing to acknowledge or notice the child’s feelings
Trying to distract the child from their emotions
What kids learn:
Emotions aren’t welcome
I should hide how I feel
Research links this pattern to:
Lower trust in caregivers
More frustration and behavior problems
Less healthy emotional processing
2. Hyperactivation aka “This is a crisis so I’ll fix it!”: This happens when a parent becomes overwhelmed by the child’s distress and reacts too intensely.
It can look like:
Rushing in immediately
Over-soothing or overreacting
Not allowing the child space to cope
Showing intense physical contact and being overly affectionate
Getting overwhelmed by the child’s emotions
Solving the problem or “fixing” the emotions rather than encouraging the child to learn how to independently process their emotions
What kids learn:
Emotions are overwhelming and aren't safe
I need someone else to regulate me
Research links this pattern to:
Increased anxiety
Social withdrawal
Overreliance on parents for regulation
Why Parents Do This (And How to Stop)
Interestingly, both of these patterns happen for the same reason— because the parent is having trouble regulating their emotions and feels uncomfortable because of it. Hyperactivation and deactivation are not just parenting choices—they are nervous system responses that shape how children’s emotional systems develop. So you can’t just will yourself to change this pattern of responding. You have to calm down your body first by using coping skills such as deep breathing or mindfulness.
Overall Translation
So what should you do instead?
Regulate yourself first: This is the most important step. Parents usually don’t show these ineffective responses because they want to or because they don’t care about their children. They show them because their nervous systems are dysregulated and they deal with this dysregulation by leaning into or shutting down their emotions.
Acknowledge the situation and validate your child’s emotion: Observe your child first to gauge the intensity of their emotions and try to match your response to what you observe so you do not make the situation more or less intense than it really is for them.
Support the child without “fixing” it: teach your child coping skills: This book may help you to teach your child the emotional regulation skills they need to handle their emotions on their own.
The most important thing to remember is that your response to your child when they are upset isn’t just about fixing the problem or making them feel better— your response tells them whether it is safe to express emotions and whether they are capable of handling these difficult emotions.
P.S. Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!
P.P.S. Emotionally exhausted from your toddler running the show? If you feel like your toddler never listens and you want proven, effective tools to parent more calmly, then please join us for the 9th Transforming Toddlerhood Virtual Conference. This life-changing FREE EVENT for parents and caregivers of kids ages 1-5 features 25+ behavior, development, and health experts ready to help you overcome challenges and parent with confidence even when your child has a meltdown.
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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 8-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).
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The problem with your reasons for a child’s or a parent’s response or reaction to the “crisis” is the generalization this is a universal scenario. That would only happen if all children and adults were the same and of course they are not. The missing variable are genetic traits that form our default reactions. I thought of many other outcomes to your problem. The two responses you pose are problematic in some circumstances but not in others. Generalizations are just that, and the real understanding of the complex interplay between parent and child is far more complex and depend on many unique variables in every case.
My 2 year old is screaming and I reach out my arms to see if he will come to me and he won't so i wait. I don't leave unless I get super frustrated - especially if he refuses my repeated open arms. Is there a better way to handle it? He doesn't want to be touched, I can tell he seems to just need to scream and get it out. Eventually, he will usually come to me and I will hold him. I tend to go "flat" during these times because I'm trying not to show my own frustration or upset and am trying to dial down my own emotions until he is out of the big angry or upset space. Do you have any insights or suggestions? I want to handle it better.