Are You Spoiling Your Children?

What the science actually says about gifts, materialism, and raising grounded children

Dec 18, 2025

A little girl sitting on the floor next to a christmas tree — Photo by Aleksandra Sapozhnikova on Unsplash

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Every holiday season, parents face the impossible dilemma of wanting to make their children’s holidays as magical as possible while also trying to prevent “spoiling” their children. We all love making our children’s holiday wishes come true, but many parents quietly wonder whether we are doing so at the expense of raising entitled and overprivileged kids. But does giving too many material items really “spoil” children or is it more about the way that we parent and model values for them? Research provides a more surprising and reassuring answer to this question than you might expect.

The Research on Spoiling Children

Researchers refer to spoiling a child as overindulgence and have identified three different types of overindulgence:

Material overindulgence: giving a child an excessive number of toys, gifts, treats, electronics, clothing, or luxury items (holiday gifts would definitely fall into this category)
Relational overindulgence: being overprotective or over-involved, solving problems for children, prioritizing the needs of the child over everything else, or treating the child like a peer or a friend
Behavioral overindulgence: having low expectations and demands of children, lack of consequences or discipline, few rules or limits, or shielding children from the results of their behavior

Research has found that the type of overindulgence really matters.

Research finds that relational or behavioral overindulgence is linked to worse outcomes for children than material overindulgence.
In fact, research does not consistently find that material overindulgence is linked to negative outcomes for children or their parents.
One study even found that material overindulgence from mothers was linked to less stress and depression in children (while maternal behavioral indulgence was linked to more anxiety and depression in children)
Another study found that high levels of material overindulgence and low levels of behavioral overindulgence were associated with the most optimal outcomes in children. In other words, the potential downsides of material overindulgence seem to disappear when parents maintain clear behavioral boundaries.

When Material Indulgence Can Matter

Some research suggests that material overindulgence may have negative effects under certain conditions:

Family stress, especially economic stress: If giving many gifts creates financial strain, children’s life satisfaction may be lower.
Disagreement about indulgence: Material overindulgence is associated with lower life satisfaction when children feel overindulged, even if parents think they are being reasonable.

Translation: We have no evidence that material overindulgence (buying too many material items or gifts for your child) is linked to negative outcomes. Of course, all of these studies are correlational, so we can’t conclude that material overindulgence is harmless but we also can’t conclude that it is inherently harmful.

But Aren’t We Making Our Children Materialistic by Giving Too Much?

This is definitely a legitimate concern. Materialism is not simply having a lot of material possessions, but it is the belief that material goods will bring you happiness and give life meaning. Children who are more materialistic are more likely to show unkind behavior and be less empathetic. Materialism is also linked to weaker family relationships.

Interestingly, parents seem to have the biggest impact on materialism— that is, parent materialism predicts child materialism more than other influences. Research also finds that when parents use material items (such as toys) as rewards or punishments or as a way of expressing love, their children are more likely to become materialistic adults. This even happens when parents are warm and supportive (aka well-intentioned parents). This research suggests that when parents use gifts as rewards or punishments or as a replacement for emotional presence, they are conveying values that material items may be more important than relationships. And don’t forget that the danger of using gifts as rewards or punishments might also apply to Santa!

Translation: The number of gifts alone that you give may not make children materialistic but how you give them really does seem to matter.

How to Determine If You Are Really Spoiling Your Child

Researchers (Jean Illsley Clarke and colleagues) have developed a tool called the Test of Four to help parents to reflect on whether they are giving or doing “too much” for their children. The four questions of this tool are as follows:

Will doing or giving this keep my child from learning what he or she needs to learn at this age?

Will doing or giving this use a disproportionate amount of family resources, including money, space, time, energy or attention, to meet the wants (not the needs) of one or more of our children?

Will doing or giving this benefit you, the parents, more than your child?

Will doing or giving this deplete or otherwise harm others, the community or the environment in some way?

A “yes” for any of these questions doesn’t necessarily mean that you are “spoiling” your children but it does suggest that parents reflect on the decision to a greater extent.

Overall Translation

Research finds that material indulgence (translation: giving too many material items) by itself doesn’t seem to be related to harmful outcomes. Instead, research really suggests that behavioral indulgence (translation: the lack of consequences, limits, or demands) seems to be linked more consistently with negative outcomes. Put very simply, the boundaries and limits you put on your child may be more important than the number of gifts you give. Of course, further research is needed and parents need to be careful about passing on materialistic values to their children, but here is what the research suggests to prevent spoiling your children:

Focus on a low level of behavioral indulgence more than anything: Rather than worrying that too many gifts will spoil your child, focus more energy on reducing behavioral indulgence of children. During the holidays, this might look like keeping rules and limits in place even though their routine might be different, still requiring them to help with chores and engage in other self-care activities over holiday break, letting them experience natural consequences such as not buying them a new toy if they break one they already have, and teaching them delayed gratification skills such as making them wait for the actual holiday to get something that they want instead of giving it to them whenever they ask.
Don’t give gifts to express love or as a reward or punishment: Research finds that parents who give in this way are more likely to pass on materialistic values to their children. Instead use your attention and words to reward, punish, or express love to your child. If you do the whole “Santa” thing with your kids, this research also suggests that you don’t want to use the “nice and naughty” list to motivate your children’s behavior (check out the newsletter here for more research on how to handle Santa).

Stick to routines and consistency in times of stress: If it is a “hard” holiday for your family in any way, resist the temptation to give more gifts than usual! Researchers have found that unexpected life situations and personal disruptions (divorce, illness, long separations) prompt parents to indulge due to guilt, bewilderment after major changes, or parent depression. Although this motivation comes from such a loving place, research finds that giving too much during times of stress is linked to harmful outcomes for children.
Build their self-esteem: Research finds that high self-esteem is linked to less materialism in children. You can build self-esteem by praising children’s effort and hard work, allowing them to solve their own problems, teaching positive self-talk, and encouraging children to engage in chores and age-appropriate responsibilities
Examine why you want to indulge your kids: Research finds that indulgent parents often had parents themselves who also gave them too much or alternatively had distant parents who didn’t indulge them enough. Understanding why you might want to indulge your kids may help you to realize that it is more for you than for them and limit yourself to a greater extent.
Ask your child whether they feel like it is “too much”: Research finds that children and parents views of indulgences often differ and when children feel like it is “too much” (even when their parents don’t), this perception is related to lower life satisfaction for children.
Have open conversations with your children about privilege, money, and gratitude: Research finds that it is very beneficial for children when parents talk openly and honestly about how money is earned, spent, saved, and budgeted. It is very important that children know that it is a privilege to have Christmas gifts at all and that parents encourage gratitude for the effort that goes into other people giving gifts to your children.
Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

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