Exciting news!!! My new book, What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is officially out this week! You can get it on Amazon and other major retailers. This is a book that you can read with your child to teach them strategies for calming down that actually work! As you may know, book orders in the first week truly make a huge difference to a book’s success. Also please leave an honest review for the book when you have the chance: LEAVE AN AMAZON REVIEW HERE. It only takes a minute (it doesn’t need to be more than a sentence!) and if you send me confirmation of your review and your address, I’ll send you a FREE reward chart to use with your kids!

Imagine two different parents in this situation. A parent and child are walking together. The child trips, skins their knee, and starts crying. The first parent keeps walking without even looking back at the child and says, “You’re okay. Just brush it off.” The second parent rushes in, scoops up the child into their arms, and reacts so intensely that the child becomes even more upset. These two responses look very different but they are the two main patterns that researchers have identified as ineffective responses to a child’s distress. Interestingly enough, research also suggests that there may be a common solution to help both of these parents.

Why your response matters

When our children are upset, we often focus on resolving the issue as quickly as possible. However, it is also important that we zoom out and think about the bigger picture, which is that how we respond influences how our children view emotions and coping. Decades of research show that how parents respond to distress is directly linked to children’s social and emotional development.

The two patterns of responses that researchers suggest parents should avoid are as follows:

1. Deactivation aka “You’re fine”: This happens when a parent becomes uncomfortable with emotion and tries to shut it down, minimize it, or dismiss it. This can look like:

   • Showing little physical contact (keeping distance from the child, not hugging or touching them, etc.)

   • Giving little eye contact or looking away when the child looks at them

   • Showing very little emotion and having a flat tone of voice

   • Responding verbally in a way that is non-supportive (“stop crying”), dismissing (“you’re fine”) or downplaying (“this is so silly” or “that’s not worth getting upset over”)

   • Failing to acknowledge or notice the child’s feelings

   • Trying to distract the child from their emotions

   What kids learn:

   • Emotions aren’t welcome

   • I should hide how I feel

   Research links this pattern to:

   • Lower trust in caregivers

   • More frustration and behavior problems

   • Less healthy emotional processing

2. Hyperactivation aka “This is a crisis so I’ll fix it!”: This happens when a parent becomes overwhelmed by the child’s distress and reacts too intensely.

It can look like:

• Rushing in immediately

• Over-soothing or overreacting

• Not allowing the child space to cope

• Showing intense physical contact and being overly affectionate

• Getting overwhelmed by the child’s emotions

• Solving the problem or “fixing” the emotions rather than encouraging the child to learn how to independently process their emotions

What kids learn:

• Emotions are overwhelming and aren't safe

• I need someone else to regulate me

Research links this pattern to:

• Increased anxiety

• Social withdrawal

• Overreliance on parents for regulation

Why Parents Do This (And How to Stop)

Interestingly, both of these patterns happen for the same reason— because the parent is having trouble regulating their emotions and feels uncomfortable because of it. Hyperactivation and deactivation are not just parenting choices—they are nervous system responses that shape how children’s emotional systems develop. So you can’t just will yourself to change this pattern of responding. You have to calm down your body first by using coping skills such as deep breathing or mindfulness.

Overall Translation

So what should you do instead?

1. Regulate yourself first: This is the most important step. Parents usually don’t show these ineffective responses because they want to or because they don’t care about their children. They show them because their nervous systems are dysregulated and they deal with this dysregulation by leaning into or shutting down their emotions.

2. Acknowledge the situation and validate your child’s emotion: Observe your child first to gauge the intensity of their emotions and try to match your response to what you observe so you do not make the situation more or less intense than it really is for them.

3. Support the child without “fixing” it: teach your child coping skills: This book may help you to teach your child the emotional regulation skills they need to handle their emotions on their own.

The most important thing to remember is that your response to your child when they are upset isn’t just about fixing the problem or making them feel better— your response tells them whether it is safe to express emotions and whether they are capable of handling these difficult emotions.

P.S. Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

P.P.S. Emotionally exhausted from your toddler running the show? If you feel like your toddler never listens and you want proven, effective tools to parent more calmly, then please join us for the 9th Transforming Toddlerhood Virtual Conference. This life-changing FREE EVENT for parents and caregivers of kids ages 1-5 features 25+ behavior, development, and health experts ready to help you overcome challenges and parent with confidence even when your child has a meltdown.

Get Your FREE Ticket Here!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 8-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Exciting news!!! My new book, What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is coming out NEXT WEEK and you can pre-order it on Amazon and other major retailers! This book helps children to learn how to handle their big feelings by teaching them research-backed coping strategies. If you enjoy these newsletters and want to support my mission of getting research-backed tips into the hands of parents and children, pre-ordering my book is a great way to show your support! As you may know, pre-orders truly make a HUGE difference— they help books hit bestseller lists, boost visibility through algorithms, and signal to retailers to stock more copies. Since the book’s success will allow me to continue offering these newsletters and other resources for free, every pre-order will help make these research-backed parenting tools accessible to more families. 💛

If you listen to the cultural commentary about parenting, it can seem like modern parents are to blame for everything from screen addiction to the obesity epidemic to the youth mental health crisis. Today’s parents are accused of being “helicopter parents” or even “snowplow parents” who constantly worry about and intervene in their kids’ lives. Parents are accused of treating their children as fragile and vulnerable and shielding them from taking the risks that would allow them to become independent, confident adults. Recent headlines such as “How Millennials Ruined Summer Camp” and “Parents Cause Teens To Be Anxious and Depressed by Making This One Common Mistake” reflect a broader narrative that overprotective and overinvolved parents are to blame. The message is clear: parents are too protective, too involved, and too anxious—and it’s harming kids.

Yet, how could parents not see children as fragile and vulnerable in the world that we live in? Never in history have parents been so aware of what could potentially go wrong with their children. From the moment of conception, parents are inundated with information about possible risks to their children’s health and development. We have to complete countless screenings during pregnancy and early childhood which often result in false positives, the 24/7 news cycle informs us of every scary event that could ever happen to a child, social media tells us that everything we do is harming our children, and a quick Google search turns a mild symptom into a list of terrifying diagnoses. How could we not see our children as vulnerable when everything is telling us that they are?

This increased risk awareness is meant to help children and families and, in many ways, it does. Yet, it is also important to ask the question of whether this constant influx of information might psychologically impact us as parents and how we treat our children. Whereas previous generations of parents may have been blissfully unaware of everything that could go wrong, parents now are acutely aware of every possibility. At the same time, the data actually show that childhood is safer than ever. So what happens when parents see children as more vulnerable and fragile than they really are? A long history of research on a condition once called Vulnerable Child Syndrome may provide some insight.

Vulnerable Child Syndrome

In 1964, two pediatricians, Dr. Maurice Green and Dr. Albert Solnit, noticed a phenomenon in which parents of children who had fully recovered from medical conditions such as prematurity or pneumonia continued to see their child as vulnerable or fragile. They referred to this as Vulnerable Child Syndrome. These children were completely healthy but their previous condition made their parents view them as more vulnerable. Dr. Green and Dr. Solnit found that the parents who saw their children as more vulnerable tended to be overprotective and overly controlling and their children showed increased separation anxiety, behavioral problems, and difficulty with self-regulation.

As the concept evolved, researchers began to use the term parental perception of child vulnerability (PPCV) to refer to this concept, rightly noting that the issue is really not the vulnerability of the child but the parent’s perception. Researchers found that this perception is common among parents with premature or low-birthweight children, childhood cancer survivors, and any child with a chronic illness. It can also emerge from relatively minor conditions and complications such as jaundice, feeding difficulties, colic, or croup, or from complications during conception, pregnancy and delivery such as fertility issues, a history of pregnancy loss, or a high-risk pregnancy or delivery.

More recent research has revealed that parents may see their child as more vulnerable even when they aren’t at increased risk. For example, parents whose children receive false positive results in routine screenings are more likely to continue to see their child as vulnerable long after further tests confirm that there is no cause for concern. This experience can be quite common. The newborn hearing screen, for instance, flags up to 10% of newborns (typically due to fluid in the ears following birth) yet only 0.2% of children have permanent hearing loss. Research finds that many parents remain worried about their children even after further tests indicate that the child’s hearing is totally normal. Screenings identifying a child as a carrier for a genetic disorder may also contribute to parents seeing their child as more vulnerable even when the child is completely healthy and unaffected by their carrier status.

How Does Vulnerable Child Syndrome Impact Parenting and Development?

The purpose of all of the screenings, warnings, and increased awareness is to help us to protect our children from potential harm but we need to consider whether all of these well-intentioned advances are negatively impacting how we parent and ultimately impeding our children’s development.

Researchers believe that seeing your child as more vulnerable may make you more overprotective and controlling as a parent— limiting your child’s ability to take the risks necessary to develop independent skills. For example, research finds that 40% of parents who were told that their child had an innocent heart murmur restricted their child’s activity even though this was never recommended by doctors. Another study found that mothers of babies with jaundice were less likely to leave their infants with another caregiver and more likely to bring them to the doctor or emergency room even after the jaundice had been fully resolved

While these actions come from a place of care, they may limit a child’s ability to explore or learn from mistakes and may signal to a child that they are at risk or not as capable as other children. As a result, their development may be impacted. One study found that mothers who saw their children as more vulnerable were more likely to have children with worse language skills and fewer independent skills months later. Research also finds that when parents see their child as more vulnerable, their children show less advanced social emotional development. They are also more likely to have mental health and developmental problems.

But What If Your Child Really Is More Vulnerable?

Clearly the research shows that parents may see their child as vulnerable even when they are completely healthy, but what if your child truly does face increased risk due to a medical, psychological, or developmental condition? Even in these situations, it can help to see your child realistically rather than as more vulnerable than they actually are. Research suggests that when parents of children with chronic illnesses perceive them as especially vulnerable, the illness is more likely to negatively affect the child’s quality of life. Seeing your child as more vulnerable than they really are is also linked to increased stress as a parent, which is notable given that parents of children with chronic illnesses are already at risk for increased stress.

Overall Translation

There is a growing movement to allow children more freedom to play unsupervised and explore their world without adult intervention. This may sound great in theory but it is hard not to feel some anxiety when you consider your own child taking these risks. Given the increased monitoring of pregnancy and infancy and the increased awareness of everything that can go wrong (which overall is a positive thing!), it is hard for all of us parents not to see our children as vulnerable in some way. Maybe your child was measuring small at a prenatal appointment or maybe you are worried about a tongue tie because you heard about it on Instagram or maybe your child didn’t reach a particular developmental milestone that an influencer’s baby reached at 9 months— any of these relatively minor experiences may change how you view your child and how you parent. So how do we prevent vulnerable child syndrome?

1. Empower your child: One potential downside of seeing your child as vulnerable is that you think they constantly need your “protection” so instead of allowing them to learn how to face uncomfortable situations and regulate their own emotions in these situations, you are more likely to step in when they are uncomfortable. Make a conscious effort to reverse this trend by teaching your child coping skills and empowering them to know that they are capable of doing hard things and regulating their emotions when they do. My new book, What To Do When It’s Time to Calm Down, aims to help parents and their kids learn research-backed coping skills and feel empowered that they are capable of managing their own emotions. Research finds that parents who see their child as more vulnerable are more likely to show dysfunctional coping strategies themselves, so let’s break this cycle for our kids by teaching them strategies that work!

2. Limit reassurance loops: When we are worried about our children, we can get caught in something called a “reassurance loop.” For example, if you are worried that something will happen to your child at night, you might check their video monitor every time the worry comes up. This checking behavior may give you temporary relief from anxiety and reassurance but you may ultimately feel more anxious since you haven’t learned how to tolerate uncertainty. The urge to check the monitor was also rewarded by the temporary reassurance so you are likely to feel the urge to check the monitor more and more frequently which in turn increases your anxiety, which then further increases your checking behavior— ultimately forming a vicious cycle that can be difficult to stop.

3. Challenge thoughts about your child’s vulnerability with actual evidence. Research has found that cognitive behavioral therapy (translation: therapy that addresses the underlying thought patterns) may help parents who see their child as vulnerable. You can challenge your thoughts by:

   1. Educating yourself on the real risks of what you are worrying about. For example, it may help your anxiety to know that the chance of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is extremely low (about ~1 in 740,000 per year in the United States).

   2. Asking yourself whether you are making decisions based on your own fears or on your child’s actual safety.

   3. Creating a mantra for yourself such as “My child is safe, capable, and resilient.”

2. Put yourself through gradual exposure therapy to reduce your anxiety: If you are overly anxious about risks to your child and you think your anxiety might be impacting your child, come up with a plan to gradually expose yourself to risk. For example, if you feel too nervous to let your school-age child play outside unsupervised (assuming you live in an environment in which this is safe), come up with a plan to work up to this goal. First, your child may play for 10 minutes in a different room without you checking on them, and then 15 minutes, and then 20 minutes. Then, you would build up to gradually more time outside without checking or watching them. Research finds that this type of gradual exposure to anxiety-producing events is very effective at reducing anxiety.

3. Stay curious about your child’s thoughts and feelings: Research finds that seeing your child as vulnerable may actually be linked to positive outcomes when it leads parents to show interest and understanding of their children’s emotions and thoughts. In other words, if worrying prompts parents to figure out what is really going on with their children, it may actually be helpful. In other words, there is nothing wrong with being a concerned parent but try to channel that concern into understanding what is going on in your child’s brain. By being concerned enough to ask and listen, the parent gains insight into the child’s inner experience and can help them work through it. For example, if your child is refusing to go to school, rather than jumping to the conclusion that something is wrong with the child or with the school, you could calmly discuss the child’s thoughts and feelings about school and find out the real underlying cause of the behavior and thus help the child to find a solution.

4. Get more confident in your own parenting: Research finds that seeing your child as vulnerable is linked to more positive outcomes when you are more confident in your parenting. You can gain confidence as a parent by having a trusted advisor such as a pediatrician, therapist, or experienced friend who can guide and encourage you in your parenting skills. It can also help to make a conscious effort to focus on your parenting wins rather than your parenting fails and aim for progress and not perfection.

5. Be careful about what media that you consume: Reflect on whether there are shows, websites, or social media sources that increase your anxiety about your children. For example, research finds that watching local news is related to increased fear and concern about crime. It could be your local news or it could be the social media account that tells you that you’re doing everything wrong— cut it out of your life if it isn’t helping!

P.S. Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

P.P.S. Emotionally exhausted from your toddler running the show? If you feel like your toddler never listens and you want proven, effective tools to parent more calmly, then please join us for the 9th Transforming Toddlerhood Virtual Conference. This life-changing FREE EVENT for parents and caregivers of kids ages 1-5 features 25+ behavior, development, and health experts ready to help you overcome challenges and parent with confidence even when your child has a meltdown.

Get Your FREE Ticket Here!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

Subscribe now

Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

Leave a comment

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Exciting news!!! My new book, What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is coming out in only a few short weeks and you can pre-order it on Amazon and other common retailers! This book helps children to learn and practice concrete skills for regulating their big feelings. If you enjoy these newsletters and my previous books, pre-ordering my book is an incredible way to support my mission of getting research into the hands of parents. As you may know, pre-orders make a HUGE difference— they help books hit bestseller lists, boost visibility through algorithms, and signal to retailers to stock more copies. Thank you so much for your continued support — and for helping to get these books into the little hands that need them. 💛

More so now than ever, it seems like the world is full of bad news and heavy realities. As parents, it can feel nearly impossible to be present with our kids and share in their joy when our minds are preoccupied by all of the bad things— whether it is upsetting events from the news, overwhelming financial or work stress, or a trauma that still triggers us to this day. Of course, we all want our children to stay innocent for as long as possible and we want to protect them from information that even we, as adults, struggle to understand and process. Yet, at the same time, it can feel deeply wrong to pretend like everything is “fine” when it is anything but fine, particularly when we know that our children may be sensing our stress or may find out the truth from peers, the media, or other less reliable sources.

Over the past few decades, expert guidance on how much “bad news” to share with children has really shifted as research has improved our understanding of the parent-child relationship and societal views of children have changed. In the 1950s, it was widely recommended that parents shield children from upsetting or distressing information whenever possible. As the children’s rights movement gained momentum, this perspective began to change, with experts increasingly emphasizing that children have a right to know information that directly affects them. Today, most experts advocate for a balanced, developmentally sensitive approach: neither complete shielding nor full disclosure.

This leaves many parents asking: How do we talk to children about heavy realities without overwhelming them… or misleading them? Fortunately, research offers several guiding principles.

1. Admit When You Are Feeling Stressed or Upset

Research finds that attempting to hide or suppress stress from children often backfires. A recent study found that when parents tried to conceal their stress from their children, the interaction between parents and children was less warm and emotionally engaged. Children also showed more signs of stress themselves when their parents tried to hide their stress (particularly with their mothers). In other words, parents may unintentionally transfer stress to their children even when they are trying to shield them from it.

Another study found that, when parents tried to hide or suppress their stress, they were less responsive to their children, and their children showed worse mood and were less engaged. A study conducted during the COVID-19 pandemic found that when parents used expressive suppression (that is, hiding their expression of emotion), the stress of the family was more strongly linked to anxiety and sadness in children. On the other hand, mothers who told their children more about their own emotions during the COVID-19 pandemic were more likely to have children with less anxiety.

Parents may also feel the impact of hiding their stress. Research finds that not being fully honest is linked to signs of stress in your body (such as higher arousal, blood pressure, and heart rate). Interestingly, people who observe others not being honest exhibit the same stress responses, suggesting that children who sense that a parent is not being fully honest may feel the same impact in their own bodies.

Yet, it is also important that parents not talk about their emotions with their children as they would with a therapist or another adult. Children need to see their parents model healthy regulation of their feelings, since a parent with out-of-control feelings may make a child feel unsafe. Children also learn their own emotional regulation strategies by seeing their parent model these skills (and check out this book to help your child learn and practice emotional regulation skills independently!).

Translation: Even when you make every attempt to pretend like everything is fine, children often sense your true emotions, and this may negatively impact your children, your own stress, and the parent-child relationship. Instead, admit to your child how you are feeling while reassuring them that you can handle your own emotions and model healthy emotional regulation strategies.

2. Avoid Telling a Direct Lie or Leaving Out Important Information, Whenever Possible

It is also important to model honesty for our children. In particular, try not to tell a direct lie whenever possible. Research finds that children may be more likely to lie when they see it modeled by adults. One study found that, when adults lied to school-age children, those children were more likely to cheat and lie themselves.

Research further suggests that leaving out key details may undermine trust. Research finds that kids can tell when adults omit important information and subsequently judge them to be less trustworthy.

Translation: Avoid telling a direct lie or leaving out information that is essential to your child’s understanding of the information. That said, honesty does not mean that parents should tell children age-inappropriate information (see the next section).

3. Keep Your Explanation Age-Appropriate

While it is important to show our genuine emotions and model honesty to our children, it is also important that we do not expose children to disturbing content that they do not yet have the emotional regulation skills to handle. Think about how hard it is for you, as an adult, to cope with some of the harsh realities of the world with your fully formed brain and then imagine what that would be like for your child. In line with this intuition, research finds that viewing disturbing media is linked to more worry and more symptoms of PTSD.

Translation: To determine whether information is helpful or harmful to your child, ask yourself the following questions:

• Does my child need this information to understand the basics of the situation?

• Will this cause anxiety or impact their sense of safety?

• Do I want to tell them in order to relieve my own anxiety or process my own emotions or do I really think it would be helpful for them to know?

• What information can I leave out that is graphic or might make them worry?

4. When You Do Withhold or Bend the Truth, Explain Why When They Are Old Enough to Understand

There may be times when you need to lie to your children or at least omit important information in order to protect them. A very common example is explaining school shooting drills. Young children in particular do not need to understand the full reality behind these drills, as this information could create unnecessary fear. For younger children, you might say that the drill is to practice staying quiet and calm during an emergency, while reassuring them that such emergencies are very unlikely and that adults are there to keep them safe if they do happen. As children grow older, you can gradually explain that the drill prepares students for what to do if someone unsafe enters the school, again emphasizing that this is unlikely and that teachers and staff are trained to keep them safe. For current events that would be upsetting for children, you might say something like “Something sad happened in a place far away from here” or that “Someone broke an important law,” always reassuring them of their own safety and their family’s safety.

In these cases, your motive for not being fully honest is not to deceive your child, but to prevent your child from having to face fears that they are not developmentally ready to manage (unfortunately we adults have no other choice but to face these harsh realities). In the research, lying that is intended to benefit or protect someone else is called prosocial lying. Research finds that prosocial lying is linked to increased compassion and that children are more likely to maintain trust in an adult when they find out that the adult lied to benefit others versus when the adult lied to them to benefit themselves personally. Therefore, these types of omissions are unlikely to undermine trust in the same way that self-serving dishonesty can.

Translation: When your child is old enough to know the full truth, explain to them why you didn’t give the full truth earlier so they understand that your intention was to protect them, not to mislead them.

5. Make Sure Your Child Hears it From You Rather Than Other Sources

Research on parent–child communication following parental exposure to potentially traumatic events suggests that children tend to have more positive outcomes when they learn about difficult experiences directly from their parents rather than indirectly (such as by overhearing a conversation).

Translation: If you have any reason to believe that your child may find out the information in another way (particularly if it might come from an unreliable source, such as their peers), it may be helpful to offer an age-appropriate explanation first. Hearing it from you first allows for reassurance, clarification, and a sense of safety, rather than confusion or misinformation. If you think there is a chance that they might have heard about it from other sources, you can ask them first what they know about the topic.

6. Reassure Them of Safety and That It Isn’t Their Fault

Research finds that children have a default mode of thinking about information in terms of how it relates to their own live. Therefore, when you explain a sad or scary event (even if it happened on the other side of the world) they will automatically think about how it impacts them. Therefore, it is very important to reassure them that they are safe (or at the very least, that you will do everything in your power to keep them safe).

Research also suggests that kids may have better outcomes when parents do not to place blame on the child in any way.

Translation: Even if you think that worrying about their own safety and whether they are at fault is not really relevant, make sure you reassure children of this whenever you are explaining something.

7. Try to find a positive angle

Research finds that it matters how the information is presented. For example, when media is presented with a positive spin (that is, positive emotions are mentioned and possible solutions are suggested), kids tend to have more positive emotions and fewer negative emotions.

Translation: Explain to your kids any positive aspects of the situation. One way to do this is to “look for the helpers” as Mr. Rogers suggests— that is, try to identify the people who are helping or caring for others during difficult times. You can also suggest ways that the problem might be solved or healthy ways you are coping with your own sadness or fear about the situation.

Overall Translation

It can feel impossible to protect our children when scary events seem to be constantly happening in the world. While previous generations were encouraged to shield children from all harsh realities of the world, research now suggests that complete shielding is neither realistic nor beneficial.

Research instead suggests offering children developmentally-sensitive truth. Here is how you do it:

• Wait until you are calm to talk to them about it.

• Label the emotion you are feeling (sad, frustrated, or stressed. For example: “I’m feeling really sad because I just watched someone get hurt on the news.”

• Reassure them that you can handle your feelings and model using a coping strategy for them. For example: “I’m going to put down my phone for the rest of the night and take some deep breaths.” You can also use tools like this book to help your child learn and practice coping skills independently.

• Give age-appropriate truths. Do not give graphic information or information that would cause unnecessary anxiety.

• Reassure them of their safety and safety of the people that they love and that it is not their fault, whenever possible.

• Don’t assume kids aren’t listening to your conversation or to a TV or phone playing in the background

• You can always label some topics as“adult topics” or say “I don’t know” when you really don’t know how to answer. In these situations, reassure children that you will address any adult topics and keep them safe.

And don’t forget to pre-order my new book— What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down :)

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

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Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 8-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!

Every holiday season, parents face the impossible dilemma of wanting to make their children’s holidays as magical as possible while also trying to prevent “spoiling” their children. We all love making our children’s holiday wishes come true, but many parents quietly wonder whether we are doing so at the expense of raising entitled and overprivileged kids. But does giving too many material items really “spoil” children or is it more about the way that we parent and model values for them? Research provides a more surprising and reassuring answer to this question than you might expect.

The Research on Spoiling Children

Researchers refer to spoiling a child as overindulgence and have identified three different types of overindulgence:

1. Material overindulgence: giving a child an excessive number of toys, gifts, treats, electronics, clothing, or luxury items (holiday gifts would definitely fall into this category)

2. Relational overindulgence: being overprotective or over-involved, solving problems for children, prioritizing the needs of the child over everything else, or treating the child like a peer or a friend

3. Behavioral overindulgence: having low expectations and demands of children, lack of consequences or discipline, few rules or limits, or shielding children from the results of their behavior

Research has found that the type of overindulgence really matters.

• Research finds that relational or behavioral overindulgence is linked to worse outcomes for children than material overindulgence.

• In fact, research does not consistently find that material overindulgence is linked to negative outcomes for children or their parents.

• One study even found that material overindulgence from mothers was linked to less stress and depression in children (while maternal behavioral indulgence was linked to more anxiety and depression in children)

• Another study found that high levels of material overindulgence and low levels of behavioral overindulgence were associated with the most optimal outcomes in children. In other words, the potential downsides of material overindulgence seem to disappear when parents maintain clear behavioral boundaries.

When Material Indulgence Can Matter

Some research suggests that material overindulgence may have negative effects under certain conditions:

• Family stress, especially economic stress: If giving many gifts creates financial strain, children’s life satisfaction may be lower.

• Disagreement about indulgence: Material overindulgence is associated with lower life satisfaction when children feel overindulged, even if parents think they are being reasonable.

Translation: We have no evidence that material overindulgence (buying too many material items or gifts for your child) is linked to negative outcomes. Of course, all of these studies are correlational, so we can’t conclude that material overindulgence is harmless but we also can’t conclude that it is inherently harmful.

But Aren’t We Making Our Children Materialistic by Giving Too Much?

This is definitely a legitimate concern. Materialism is not simply having a lot of material possessions, but it is the belief that material goods will bring you happiness and give life meaning. Children who are more materialistic are more likely to show unkind behavior and be less empathetic. Materialism is also linked to weaker family relationships.

Interestingly, parents seem to have the biggest impact on materialism— that is, parent materialism predicts child materialism more than other influences. Research also finds that when parents use material items (such as toys) as rewards or punishments or as a way of expressing love, their children are more likely to become materialistic adults. This even happens when parents are warm and supportive (aka well-intentioned parents). This research suggests that when parents use gifts as rewards or punishments or as a replacement for emotional presence, they are conveying values that material items may be more important than relationships. And don’t forget that the danger of using gifts as rewards or punishments might also apply to Santa!

Translation: The number of gifts alone that you give may not make children materialistic but how you give them really does seem to matter.

How to Determine If You Are Really Spoiling Your Child

Researchers (Jean Illsley Clarke and colleagues) have developed a tool called the Test of Four to help parents to reflect on whether they are giving or doing “too much” for their children. The four questions of this tool are as follows:

1. Will doing or giving this keep my child from learning what he or she needs to learn at this age?

2. Will doing or giving this use a disproportionate amount of family resources, including money, space, time, energy or attention, to meet the wants (not the needs) of one or more of our children?

3. Will doing or giving this benefit you, the parents, more than your child?

4. Will doing or giving this deplete or otherwise harm others, the community or the environment in some way?

A “yes” for any of these questions doesn’t necessarily mean that you are “spoiling” your children but it does suggest that parents reflect on the decision to a greater extent.

Overall Translation

Research finds that material indulgence (translation: giving too many material items) by itself doesn’t seem to be related to harmful outcomes. Instead, research really suggests that behavioral indulgence (translation: the lack of consequences, limits, or demands) seems to be linked more consistently with negative outcomes. Put very simply, the boundaries and limits you put on your child may be more important than the number of gifts you give. Of course, further research is needed and parents need to be careful about passing on materialistic values to their children, but here is what the research suggests to prevent spoiling your children:

1. Focus on a low level of behavioral indulgence more than anything: Rather than worrying that too many gifts will spoil your child, focus more energy on reducing behavioral indulgence of children. During the holidays, this might look like keeping rules and limits in place even though their routine might be different, still requiring them to help with chores and engage in other self-care activities over holiday break, letting them experience natural consequences such as not buying them a new toy if they break one they already have, and teaching them delayed gratification skills such as making them wait for the actual holiday to get something that they want instead of giving it to them whenever they ask.

2. Don’t give gifts to express love or as a reward or punishment: Research finds that parents who give in this way are more likely to pass on materialistic values to their children. Instead use your attention and words to reward, punish, or express love to your child. If you do the whole “Santa” thing with your kids, this research also suggests that you don’t want to use the “nice and naughty” list to motivate your children’s behavior (check out the newsletter here for more research on how to handle Santa).

3. Stick to routines and consistency in times of stress: If it is a “hard” holiday for your family in any way, resist the temptation to give more gifts than usual! Researchers have found that unexpected life situations and personal disruptions (divorce, illness, long separations) prompt parents to indulge due to guilt, bewilderment after major changes, or parent depression. Although this motivation comes from such a loving place, research finds that giving too much during times of stress is linked to harmful outcomes for children.

4. Build their self-esteem: Research finds that high self-esteem is linked to less materialism in children. You can build self-esteem by praising children’s effort and hard work, allowing them to solve their own problems, teaching positive self-talk, and encouraging children to engage in chores and age-appropriate responsibilities

5. Examine why you want to indulge your kids: Research finds that indulgent parents often had parents themselves who also gave them too much or alternatively had distant parents who didn’t indulge them enough. Understanding why you might want to indulge your kids may help you to realize that it is more for you than for them and limit yourself to a greater extent.

6. Ask your child whether they feel like it is “too much”: Research finds that children and parents views of indulgences often differ and when children feel like it is “too much” (even when their parents don’t), this perception is related to lower life satisfaction for children.

7. Have open conversations with your children about privilege, money, and gratitude: Research finds that it is very beneficial for children when parents talk openly and honestly about how money is earned, spent, saved, and budgeted. It is very important that children know that it is a privilege to have Christmas gifts at all and that parents encourage gratitude for the effort that goes into other people giving gifts to your children.

   Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

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Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Every parent of a toddler wants to know how to stop tantrums, hitting, biting, and other challenging behaviors. Research finds that one of the most effective ways to reduce these behaviors is by teaching social-emotional skills. But how exactly do you teach something so complex to a toddler? Here are five research-backed hacks for encouraging the development of these skills without making it feel like a lesson:

1. Try emotional bridging: Emotional bridging is the practice of pointing out emotions to children and then explaining the cause of the emotion and linking the emotion to the child’s own experiences. These explanations help to “bridge” the gap between the emotion and its cause and “bridge” the gap between the emotions of others and the child’s own emotions which helps to build empathy. For example, you could say something like: “The girl in this book is angry because her fun plans were cancelled. Do you remember when we had to cancel that play date and you felt angry?” Research finds that teaching parents to use this strategy results in fewer behavioral problems in children.

2. Use structuring instead than directing: Research has found that parents who respond to their child’s negative emotions with structuring (helping the child to use a coping strategy on their own) instead of directing (telling the child what to do) show improved self-regulation abilities. For example, if your child is upset because they can’t figure out how to operate a toy, directing would mean saying something like “Stop crying. Here, I’ll do it for you,” while structuring would mean saying something like “I see you’re frustrated. Maybe you could try pushing this button and see if it turns the toy on?” Here’s another example— your child is sick of waiting for their turn with a toy and starts whining, directing would be saying something like “No whining! You just have to wait!” while structuring would mean saying something like “I know waiting can be hard. What can you do while you wait? Do you want to sing a song or play a game with me?”.

3. Read children books with social-emotional themes: Research finds that reading children books with social and emotional themes increases their empathy and kind behavior. In particular, you may want to read books that model healthy coping strategies since research shows that children can learn emotional regulation strategies from picture books. I recently wrote two books aimed at teaching children emotion regulation skills, including What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time to Calm Down. Other books I would recommend include: The Boy With Big, Big Feelings, In My Heart, The Way I Feel, How Is Daniel Feeling, and Grumpy Monkey.

4. Use play to teach about emotions: Research finds that using play to teach children about emotions can be a very effective strategy. You can try Emotion Charades (where you each act different emotions and see if the other person can guess) or you can use stuffed animals, dolls or puppets to act out different emotions in pretend play. It can also be very fun to act out scenes together in which children to pretend to the parents and parents pretend to be the children. You can use this role playing to show them what different emotions might look like and how to cope with those emotions. For example, you could suggest that your child pretend to be a parent telling a child that that they aren’t allowed to have candy and you could pretend to the child. They will think it is hilarious if you throw an epic toddler tantrum— just make sure that you model healthy coping skills to calm down after the tantrum.

5. Teach precursors to perspective-taking: Toddlers don’t yet know how to take the perspective of another person (an important fact to remember when you are wondering why toddlers act the way that they do). The ability to take the perspective of another person will ultimately improve a child’s behavior since perspective-taking helps children to understand the impact of these behaviors. So how do you encourage children to develop perspective-taking as soon as possible? Research finds that improving children’s imitation skills may help to improve social skills like perspective-taking. You can encourage your child’s imitation skills by making funny faces and sounds to see if they imitate you (prompting them by saying “you do it”), singing songs that encourage imitation such as Wheels on the Bus and If You’re Happy and You Know It, playing imitation games like Simon Says, and paying attention to and praising any attempts they make at imitation. You can also talk a lot about perspective-taking by regularly explaining the thoughts and feelings of others. For example, you could say: “I think your sister was thinking it was her turn with the toy next and she felt sad when you grabbed it out of her hand.”

Expert Review

This post was reviewed by Devon Kuntzman, a wife, mama, and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram. She created Transforming Toddlerhood with the mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible. She is an ICF-certified coach with a degree in psychology. She also has a community of 1 million parents and caregivers committed to transforming their parenting, their toddler’s behavior, and overall experience of toddlerhood while creating a relationship with their child that lasts a lifetime. Her new book, Transforming Toddlerhood: How to Handle Tantrums, End Power Struggles, and Raise Resilient Kids---Without Losing Your Mind, is the ultimate guide to handling all of the difficult situations that come up with a toddler. It’s the first comprehensive, science-based, easy-to-implement guide for parenting kids ages 1-5. Broken down into 45 mini chapters, inside you’ll find tips, behavior red flags, and frameworks to overcome the most common parenting challenges. Think of it as the “what to expect” for toddlerhood.

Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!

It seems that every parenting expert on the internet has a “script” for what to say when your child is having a tantrum or meltdown. Some parenting influencers even imply that if you say exactly the right words at the right time, your child’s tantrum will will magically be “tamed.”

One of the most popular parenting accounts Big Little Feelings suggests that parents use scripts like this: “You’re frustrated because I won’t let you eat the dog food. It’s okay to feel frustrated.” [Also, try saying this with a straight face— I’ll bet you can’t!] These influencers then go on to claim that using scripts like this is: “the first and most critical step toward decreasing the intensity and duration of tantrums.”

It seems too good to be true, right? With promises like this, you might find it hard to believe that most psychologists actually recommend using very few words (or no words) during a tantrum. Research finds that using verbal explanation or reasoning in the heat of the moment doesn’t really seem to work, meaning that it doesn’t produce consistent or lasting change in behavior. A recent study also found that children tend to get more frustrated when parents label and empathize with their negative emotions. Most parents seem to agree with this research, reporting that these scripts often fall flat when their child is in the middle of a meltdown. Psychologist Mona Delahoke notes on her website that she polled hundreds of parents, and four out of five parents said that labeling emotions during a tantrum backfires, meaning it makes the child more upset.

If you’ve tried all of the scripts for tantrums and they don’t seem to work, you’re not alone. Let’s take a closer look at the research behind why scripts may not work, and what you can do instead.

Why Do Our Words Not Help During Tantrums?

1. When a child is upset, their executive functioning becomes impaired. (translation: the part of the brain responsible for processing, remembering, and later applying your words isn’t working effectively). So even if you’re saying something that your child would typically understand when they are calm, they may not be able to do so when they are upset.

2. Talking may encourage your child to respond to you verbally which may escalate their frustration. Research suggests that talking about what is upsetting while a child is still distressed may not be an effective emotion regulation strategy.

3. Not understanding or not being being able to effectively express themselves may increase frustration. Research suggests that difficulties with language are linked to more frequent tantrums.

4. Talking may be rewarding behaviors you would like to reduce. If your child is engaging in behaviors for the sake of gaining your attention such as whining or trying to annoy you, talking to them during this behavior would be rewarding it and thus making it more likely that they engage in it again in the future.

5. They may be experiencing sensory overwhelm. Research suggests that children with sensory sensitivities can have trouble processing language in an overwhelming environment. This means that your words, even kind and supportive words, may add to the overload rather than help soothe it.

So What Should You Do Instead?

1. Stay Calm: The most important thing you can do is to stay as calm as possible. Your goal is for your child to mirror your calm and to not escalate the tantrum in any way. It is extremely normal to feel irritated by your child’s behaviors during a tantrum. If you feel this way, it is a great opportunity to model emotional regulation. Part of your healthy emotional regulation may involve walking away for a moment to calm yourself down and that is more than okay. Research finds that when parents are agitated but pretend to be calm it may actually cause even more stress in kids and negatively impactsthe parent-child interaction. This means that if you are agitated, your kids will sense your agitation and any attempts at calming them down will not work. It is always better to get yourself to a more regulated place first!

2. Use nonverbal cues: Rather than using your words to calm down your child, nonverbal cues (facial expression, posture, gestures, or calming touch) may be more effective and not as overwhelming.

3. Encourage children to use signs and gestures: Research finds that children may be more likely to use gestures than words during times of distress. Teach your child simple signs or gestures such as the sign for “help me” or “more” or reaching out their hands when they want a hug.

4. Try the “One-Up” Rule: Many speech-language therapists and psychologists recommend sticking to phrases that are “one-up” from your child’s current language level when they are upset. So for example if your child is only using one-word phrases, then try two-word phrases (such as “Need help?” or “All done”) to increase the chance that they will be able to process what you are saying during times of heightened emotion. For older children, you want to use language that is only slightly more complicated than the language that they use. It can also be helpful to be as literal and concrete as possible (such as saying “hitting hurts” rather than “hitting is not kind”).

5. Be particularly cautious about telling them how to feel: Telling children how to feel (such as “don’t be so sad”) can be invalidating and research finds that these types of statements may negatively impact children’s self-regulation abilities.

6. Give them space to self-soothe to the best of their ability and solve the problem independently before intervening: If we step in every single time that our children are upset and co-regulate and solve the problem for them, they never have the chance to develop these abilities on their own.

7. Use language after your child calms down: You words are important and research does find many benefits of using your words for emotional coaching (translation: labeling and validating their emotions). The key is timing. When your child starts calming down, you may want to start talking about their emotions but make sure you keep your language simple and pair these discussions with emotional regulation strategies.

Overall Translation

If you ever tried telling a very angry child “You feel frustrated right now,” you know that these types of parenting scripts don’t always work in the heat of the moment. Of course, our words do matter, and talking about emotions and teaching coping and problem-solving skills are essential for helping children develop self-regulation. Yet, research suggests that talking too much during times of distress may not be helpful, and in some cases may even make a child more upset. Instead of jumping straight into verbal reasoning, parents may want to first focus on maintaining their own calm and simply giving non-verbal cues that they are calm and well-regulated themselves. As the child calms down, parents can label their emotions and empathize with the child. When the child has become completely calm, parents can then try problem-solving with them (for example, “What could you have done instead of hitting your brother?”).

A very important caveat here is that every child is different and parents should also observe what works for their individual child. Some children might respond well to verbal reassurance when they are upset, while others prefer quiet, physical comfort or even a little space or alone time. Your child’s preferences may also change depending on the setting and the emotion they are feeling. Above all, trust your instincts rather than a canned script from a parenting influencer. Your authentic self is what your child needs more than anything.

Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

Subscribe now

Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

Leave a comment

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!

Many parents feel lost when it comes to setting rules and limits around internet use, and this shouldn’t be surprising. Those of us who are currently raising children are the very first generation of parents to be raising children in a fully digital age and the faced with the very daunting task of setting limits on the endless amounts of information available at our children’s fingertips in an instant. Your own parents probably had very few, if any, rules around internet use since it was not nearly as accessible as it is today and they may have been unaware of all of the potential danger. Without this model from our own childhood, most of us parents are going in blind and simply using trial-and-error to determine what might work or not work for our children. It’s no wonder that it feels so overwhelming.

Of course, nearly all parents would agree that some rules are essential— it is a terrifying thought to think of what our kids might do when left entirely to their own devices… with their devices. However, we also might worry that too many rules might result in kids not learning how to moderate their own behavior and pushing back against those rules. Think about the kids you knew who weren’t allowed to eat junk food in high school and then got to college and couldn’t control themselves around Oreos. Research backs this up, finding that overly controlling rules are linked to more rebellion in kids. So how exactly do you set rules around internet use that keep children from becoming screen-obsessed zombies but also allow them the autonomy they need to learn how to moderate their own use?

The Most Recent Research

A recent study addressed this very important question. This study included 315 children aged 10 to 18 years who were followed for 1.5 years The researchers looked at whether parents having stricter rules around internet use made a child more at risk for developing problematic social media use (such as being preoccupied with social media, lying about social media use, or experiencing withdrawal from social media). Surprisingly enough, parents with stricter rules were not always more likely to have children with problematic social media use. Instead, it depended on the child’s age. For kids younger than 12 years, stricter rules meant they were less likely to develop problematic social media use. For kids older than 16 years, stricter rules meant they were more likely to develop problematic social media use. For kids between 12 to 16 years, rules were not significantly associated with problematic social media use.

Why Does Age Matter?

So how could rules be beneficial for younger children and not for older children? It may be because older teens have a greater need for independence and autonomy, which ultimately makes anything that is restricted by their parents seem more and more appealing (this is called psychological reactance theory). In line with this idea, older teenagers report that they are actually more likely to view media restricted by their parents. Friends also become more and more important over the course of adolescence and teens may start to value their friends’ opinions over their parents’ rules.

Why Kind of Rules Should You Set?

Here are some examples of some rules that were included in the current study:

1. How long your child can use the internet (you may limit how long per day, how long in a single sitting, how long they may use particular apps)

2. What your child needs to do before using the internet (you may require them to complete homework, chores, eat dinner, exercise, etc.)

3. What times of day they can use the internet (you may restrict use during mealtimes, the hour before bedtime, weekday morning)

4. Where to store devices when they aren’t in use (you may require them to put their phone or tablet out of sight at night, during school, and during mealtimes)

5. Social rules around internet use (you may ask them to put their phone away when someone is talking to them or during special family times)

Overall Translation

Recent research finds that stricter rules around internet use are linked to a lower risk for problematic use for children under 12 years old but are linked to a higher risk for problematic use for children older than 16 years. However, this research is correlational, meaning we don’t know if the rules set by parents actually prevent or encourage problematic. Despite this serious limitation, this research suggests that for younger children (under 12 years) parents may want to set very specific rules about when, where, and how long they use devices. From age 12 to 16 years, parents may want to give their children increasing autonomy over their own internet use. For older children (over 16 years) parents may want to collaborate with them to develop general guidelines for use, while ultimately allowing them to make day-to-day decisions about their internet use.

Here are a few additional research-backed tips:

1. Talk about the rules openly and involve your child in rule-making: Research finds that having an open and honest discussion with your child about internet use is linked to a lower risk for problematic use. This discussion might include explaining why the rules exist, problem solving around rules you don’t agree on, and using the internet together and talking about what you are experiencing (“What do you like about Instagram? What makes it hard to stop scrolling?”).

2. Don’t use screen time as a reward or punishment: Research finds that this practice is actually associated with more screen use. When you use screen time as a reward or punishment, you are communicating that screen use is even more important and desirable than it really is. When you take screen time away, it becomes the “forbidden fruit” that your child may want even more or feel like they need to lie to you to obtain.

3. Try to be on the same page with your coparent about media use: Have a conversation to discuss your attitude toward technology and support each other in decisions related to Internet-specific coparenting. Research finds that parents who reported poorer quality of coparenting around internet use also reported less positive parenting and were less likely to involve their children in setting rules.

4. Set a good example: Research finds that parents are more likely to have children with problematic use. Not surprisingly, parents who use their phones more around their children are more likely to have less rules for their children around internet use and show less positive parenting. If you struggle with using your phone too much, talk to your children about the strategies you are using to address it (such as setting boundaries around phone use, using apps and setting to limit your access, intentionally replacing phone use with healthier coping strategies, and tracking your use).

5. Create a relationship in which your kids feel comfortable coming to you: Previous research finds that when kids feel closer to their parents, they are less like to hide their online behavior which ultimately means less problematic internet use. You can create this relationship by letting your kids know they can always come to you and won't get in trouble (“If you see something that makes you uncomfortable online, you can tell me and I won’t be mad”), avoiding threats, explaining why you are monitoring them (“I don’t want to get you in trouble. I want to make sure that you are safe.”), and staying calm when they do break the rules.

Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencie

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!

Most parents of boys have had this experience— their son shows some kind of challenging behavior and someone nearby shrugs and says something along the lines of “boys will be boys,” or otherwise implies that rough or rowdy behavior is natural and even inevitable for boys. Although meant to be validating, these remarks suggest that nothing that can— or should— be done to change or improve the behavior and parents must simply accept it. To further drive home this point, there is now a viral sound bite circulating on social media stating that boys between the ages of three and five experience a surge of testosterone comparable to that of puberty—supposedly explaining why boys are more active, defiant, or aggressive during these years. But is it true that boys experience a testosterone surge during the early childhood years and what does the science say about how parents should manage the behaviors of boys?

The Research on Testosterone

Despite how widespread this idea has become, research consistently finds that testosterone does not show any significant increases during this time. Testosterone does increase during the first two trimesters of pregnancy and during the first six months of a boy’s life (a time period referred to as mini-puberty). The rise in testosterone during pregnancy and infancy may contribute to behavioral differences between boys and girls later in life but it is certainly not the only factor that drives these behavioral differences. For example, research finds that infants with higher testosterone levels show more stereotypical male play as toddlers (such as playing with trains instead of baby dolls) yet the effects are very modest meaning that other factors must be at play as well.

So Where Did This “Fact” Come From?

The idea that there is a testosterone surge in toddlerhood comes from the book Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different--and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men by Steve Biddulph. This is a bestselling book that has some important strengths such as advising parents to balance nurturing with firm limits for boys. However, critics would argue that this book over-emphasizes the difference between boys and girls and that some of the claims, including the idea of a testosterone surge in young boys, are not based on research.

So Why Does It Resonate With So Many Parents?

It may be because the differences between boys and girls become increasingly obvious during the preschool years. Research finds that boys at this age are more likely to show aggression and assertiveness and less likely to show empathy than girls. During this stage, children are becoming more independent and beginning to realize that they can challenge their parents. They are also transitioning from parallel play to more interactive play, which requires learning to share, take turns, cooperate, use gentle hands, and regulate their emotions. Parents during this time may respond differently to boys versus girls which only further differentiates their behavior.

Why Myths Like This Should Be Dispelled

On the surface, this “fun fact” may seem helpful and validating for parents of boys. Yet, when myths like this are promoted, it changes the way that parents perceive and respond boys’ behavior and these changes may not always be positive. Parents may begin to believe that challenging behavior is simply the result of a transient biological process beyond their control. As a result, they may tolerate or overlook these behaviors instead of offering the guidance and support boys need. Because research finds that parents expectations can become self-fulfilling prophecies, meaning that kids behave in the way parents expect them to behave, this misconception may unintentionally reinforce the exact behaviors that parents are trying to reduce.

Although it is true that the testosterone that a child is exposed to during pregnancy and infancy may be related to later behavior, other factors like parenting style undoutedly play a role as well. In fact, research actually suggests the opposite of just accepting the “boys will be boys” mindset since boys may actually be more sensitive to differences in parenting than girls. Research finds that boys’ behavior may be more impacted by positive parenting practices than girls and that negative parenting practices are more likely to lead to behavioral problems in boys than girls. Ultimately, this suggests that parents may need to be even more intentional and thoughtful in how they guide and support their sons.

This type of misinformation is a great example of something called neurobabble. Neurobabble involves using neuroscience or biological terms to make an idea sound more credible than it really is. Research finds that most people will rate findings with neuroscience evidence as more convincing and satisfying. Imagine if you read that “research finds that screen time hurts children” versus “research finds that screen time hurts the brain development of children.” In this case using a neurobiological explanation not only makes the fact sound more credible but makes the differences in behavior seem more “fixed” meaning that there is nothing that parents can do to reign in the aggression or hyperactivity of boys.

Overall Translation

The claim that boys experience a testosterone surge from ages three to five may be gaining popularity on social media but it is not supported by research. The danger in promoting myths like this is that they can lead parents to view boys’ behavior as biologically predetermined and out of their control. In reality, research shows that parenting plays a powerful role in boys’ development and that boys may actually be more sensitive to both positive and negative parenting than girls. Rather than accepting a “boys will be boys” mindset, parents can work to help boys to develop emotional regulation and social skills with the following research-backed tips:

1. Let boys express all of their feelings: Rather than simply assuming that boys aren’t as “emotional” as girls, parents should encourage boys to express a range of emotions, particularly the “weaker” emotions like sadness, fear, and anxiety. Parents can encourage this expression by noticing, validating, and empathizing with all of their feelings. Research finds that parents are more likely to ignore boys’ feelings of sadness and anxiety. Over time this may lead boys to express fewer of these more vulnerable emotions and instead show more anger and aggression.

2. Talk about the emotions that you see in books, shows, and movies with your boys: Research finds that parents talk about emotions more frequently and talk about a greater number of emotions with girls than boys. An easy way to talk about emotions more frequently is to point them out in books, shows, and movies. Ask what the characters are feeling and relate it back to your child’s life (“Have you ever felt that way?”).

3. Do not use harsh or physical discipline: Research finds that parents, particularly fathers, with more traditional ideas about gender roles tend to use more physical control of boys than girls, which may contribute to the later development of aggressive behavior. Parents should be mindful that their discipline of boys is not harsher or more physical, as this can reinforce the very behaviors they hope to reduce.

4. Make an effort to teach boys social emotional skills: Make an effort to teach social-emotional skills such as perspective-taking, empathy, and emotional regulation. You can use books like The Rabbit Listened, Cara’s Kindness, What To Do When It’s Time to Calm Down (my new book!) or Calm-Down Time to teach these skills.

5. Set the same rules for play for boys and girls: Parents are more likely to encourage rough play in boys, which can contribute to boys showing more and more rough play over time. There is nothing wrong with rough and tumble play but it is important that parents have consistent rules for rough play for boys and girls (for example, you have to stop immediately if the other child asks you to stop).

6. Model healthy emotional regulation: Research finds that parent aggression is linked to children having more aggressive attitudes. For example, instead of yelling or banging on the steering wheel when you hit traffic, try deep breathing or saying a calming mantra to yourself such as “I can handle this.”

Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!

One of the parenting mantras that I say to parents (and to myself) over and over again is this: “A manageable amount of stress in the presence of a loving caregiver is GOOD for children.” What this means is that even some of the “difficult” moments your child faces, or the mistakes you make as a parent, can actually be beneficial for their growth and resilience.

Although every parent knows they can’t shield their children from all hardships, none of us want to see our kids struggle—it goes against every instinct we have. Imagine the feeling when you find out your child is being bullied at school or that they cried when you dropped them off at preschool. Your immediate urge is to fix the situation and make it better. Sometimes, if you can’t, you might even blame yourself. It can be even more painful to realize that a parenting mistake might have caused your child some difficulty—maybe you forgot to sign them up for the soccer team, or allowed them to watch a movie that gave them nightmares for weeks.

It is beyond painful to see our children go through these experiences. Yet, we also know that if we remove every hardship or stressful event from their childhoods, they will grow up not knowing how to face the inevitable challenges that life throws their way. Although it might be painful to witness, it is vastly better for them to learn how to cope with these situations while they are still under our roof than when they are on their own as an adult.

The Research

Research backs up this rational line of thinking, consistently showing that stress can be good for children. In the research this is called stress inoculation. Think about it like a vaccine— allowing children to experience small amounts of stress in a controlled way increases their chances of fighting off stress in the future.

Research finds that people who have faced some life adversity are much better off than people who have faced no adversity— they are happier and more satisfied with life and show fewer signs of mental health symptoms or post-traumatic stress. They also some less bothered by recent events. In other words, the old platitude of “what doesn’t kill you indeed does make you stronger” seems to be true.

Experiencing stress in childhood in particular seems to have a large impact. Research finds that people who have experienced stress in childhood cope better with spousal loss, illness, and major accidents in adulthood. Similarly, people who experience work-related stress as teenagers showed fewer mental health effects of work stress as adults. Research also finds that children with moderate amounts of life stress are the least reactive to stress when compared to children with very little stress or very high stress. Adolescents who experience moderate amounts of stress also show better mental and physical well-being.

So How Do You Tell the Difference between Manageable and Toxic Stress?

It is clear from that research that that some manageable amount of stress is “good” for children. Yet, research also shows that stress can reach a toxic level in which case it is damaging to children, impacting both their physical and psychological development. Research has even found that this type of stress can change the way the brain functions. So how can you differentiate manageable stress that is “good” for children from the toxic stress that is damaging? How do you decide when it is too much for your child?

There are a few rules of thumb. Manageable stress relatively low in intensity, temporary or time-limited, and occurs in the presence of loving and supportive adults. Stress also feels manageable to children when they feel like they have some control over the situation (for example, when it is a problem that they can try to solve). Examples of manageable stress include short separations from parents, a conflict with a friend, not winning a game, not being invited to a party, and having to speak to an unfamiliar adult. On the other hand, toxic stress is chronic and intense and usually out of the individual’s control. Examples of toxic stress include any kind of abuse or neglect, poverty, bullying, ongoing conflict between parents, or extreme pressure to perform without sufficient support.

How To Keep Stress From Becoming Toxic?

Here are some research-backed strategies parents can use to prevent stress from becoming toxic

1. Perceived sense of control: Research finds that children who have more control over their lives feel less distress in stressful situations. Give your child more of a sense of control over their environment by giving more choices, teaching problem-solving skills, replacing their helpless thoughts with more empowering thoughts (turning “I can’t” into “I can try my best” for example), and teaching them to control their emotions even if they can’t control the situation.

2. Social support: Research finds that stress may not lead to negative life outcomes when children have positive family and friend support. You can prevent stress from becoming toxic by supporting and nurturing your child during stressful events— provide them with validation and empathy, coach them in using coping skills, and help them to problem-solve.

3. Reframe stress: How you think about stress really does matter too. Research finds that when people believe that stress enhances performance, productivity, and well-being, they show better health and work performance. Explain to your kids the concept of “good stress” by comparing it to a vaccine which ultimately makes their immune system stronger or explain that their brain is a muscle which becomes stronger when challenged.

4. Sleep and exercise: Getting enough sleep and regular physical activity seems to protect children from the harmful effects of stress.". You can help your child to stay healthy by having a regular bedtime schedule and routine, limiting screens, and engaging in regular activity as a family.

What This Means in Practice

So some stress is “good” for children, but how do you change your behavior as a parent to allow them to experience stress?

• Encourage children to try something that makes them a little nervous, such as climbing on a new piece of equipment at the playground, talking to an unfamiliar person, or trying a new sport. Praise them for their effort whether or not they are successful in the activity.

• Provide children with a lot of validation, empathy, and reassurance when facing stress. Facing stress unsupported is what is harmful to children. Watch your child for signs that the stress is going from challenging to overwhelming, and intervene when necessary.

• Notice when your own anxiety may be influencing your responses or decisions. Ask yourself whether safety is really a concern or whether you are being overprotective.

• Teach your child coping skills, such as deep breathing, self-talk (“I can do this even though it is hard”), and asking for help, when you are both calm. Model using effective coping skills for your own stressors (talk out loud so your child can hear your own emotional regulation and problem-solving strategies)

• Give your child a chance to solve their problems on their own before you step in to help. For example, your child will learn a lot more and gain a lot more confidence if they figure out how to solve a conflict with their sibling on their own than if you step in and solve it for them.

• Don’t stress when you make parenting mistakes. You are giving your child a chance to handle some adversity and showing them that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You are also helping them to develop realistic expectations for all relationships— other people will disappoint them from time to time and they need to learn to cope with that.

Overall Translation

No parents enjoy seeing their child go through a stressful situation but research shows us over and over again that small amounts of manageable stress is really good for children. Manageable stress is different from toxic stress in that it is more mild, time-limited, and feels somewhat under control. Stress is also more likely to be beneficial when it occurs in the presence of loving caregivers. Allowing children to face stress under the care of your loving guidance will prepare them for when they inevitably face stress as an adult without you there to guide them. Rather than shielding children from all discomfort, guiding them through it teaches them that stress is a normal part of life—and that they are capable of overcoming it.

Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to translate the scientific research into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, is out this week and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here.

So much of parenting takes place in the doldrums of everyday life— planning meals, blowing noses, soothing yet another tantrum, and tackling the endless mountain of laundry. Yet, every so often, a magical moment occurs that makes parenting feel like the miracle it truly is.

Maybe your child utters a new word, the siblings who usually bicker are suddenly snuggled up together on the couch, or an impromptu kitchen dance party erupts out of nowhere. Researchers call the feeling sparked by these moments “awe.”

Experiencing awe with your child might bring tears to your eyes, make your heart feel like it’s bursting, or leave you with a profound sense of connection to something greater than yourself. These awe-inspiring moments might arise when your child does something unexpectedly kind, reaches a new developmental milestone, says something hilariously wise, or simply shares a quiet, beautiful moment with you in nature.

The Magic of Awe

Awe is more than just a powerful emotion—it has real benefits. Research shows that parents who experience more moments of awe report greater life satisfaction, fewer negative emotions, and a deeper sense of meaning and emotional richness in their lives. While both awe and pride are positive experiences, they are distinctly different. Pride comes from feeling pleased with something your child has accomplished, whereas awe is a more transcendent, almost spiritual experience of wonder. Interestingly, research suggests that awe may be an even more rewarding experience than pride.

Researchers have even generated feelings of awe in the laboratory by asking parent to remember an experience with their child in which they experienced awe. Simply remembering these experiences caused parents to report that their lives were more full, interesting, and meaningful!

How to Experience this Magic in Your Own Life

So research finds that experiencing awe may really enrich your life but how do you generate these experiences in your own life?

1. Be present in the moment. Awe can only be experienced if you are noticing what is going on around you. Pay attention to your senses. Really look at your child’s face, smell their hair, really listen to their voice, or feel their soft skin.

2. Make an effort to notice the good in your child. You are more likely to experience awe when you are paying attention to the positive aspects of your child. Because our brains are wired to notice and solve problems, it can often take conscious effort to focus on the good.

3. Reflect on the miracles of parenting and raising a child, such as your child intuitively trusting and loving you, how amazing it is that a collection of cells formed to create your unique child, the profound beauty of being their safe place, and the joy of seeing the world through their eyes.

4. Think back on awe-inducing experiences. Research finds simply thinking back on times when you felt awe may improve your life. Keep a journal of these moments or simply jot them down in the Notes app on your phone and read through this list when you need a boost.

How to Teach Your Children to Experience Awe

There are so many benefits of teaching your children to share in the experience of awe with you. Research finds that experiencing awe may make children more hard-working, more generous, and more motivated. So how can you encourage your child to experience awe?

1. Engage in activities with your child that are likely to inspire awe (nature, music, or art are great options). Take a long walk in the woods, visit an art museum together, or attend a concert.

2. Seek out new and interesting experiences with your child. Research finds that novelty is likely to inspire awe. You can make a habit of trying new sports, new foods, or a new craft project together or exploring a new area together. Ask questions during these experiences such as “What surprised you?” or “What did you learn from this experience?”

3. Go on an “awe walk” with your child in which you pay attention to everything around you. Be fully present and ask your child what they are seeing, hearing, and smelling. Collect items like rocks and leaves and feel their texture. Turn off your phone and try to be fully present in the moment. When kids see your delight hen you hear a bird or catch a snowflake on your tongue, it can inspire them to look for small wonders, too.

4. Encourage your child’s curiosity and wonder. You can do this by asking them open-ended questions about the world around them and paying attention to and responding thoughtfully to their question. I See You Wonder is a book that you can read with your child to teach you both ways to encourage curiosity and wonder in everyday life.

5. Watch TV shows or movies that inspire awe such as Planet Earth or nature documentaries like March of the Penguins, or if you are limited on time, the short video clip below ius often used in research to elicit feelings of awe:

Overall Translation

Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and it’s easy to focus solely on the daily challenges we face. But there’s also a surprising amount of magic woven into everyday life with children—and paying attention to that magic can help both you and your child experience something researchers call awe. These awe-filled moments aren’t just feel-good; they actually make life feel richer, more meaningful, and emotionally rewarding. In fact, simply remembering a moment of awe with your child can give your brain a boost. So next time you're elbow-deep in diaper duty or playing referee in a sibling showdown, keep an eye out for those little miracles. They’re doing more for you than you think.

Expert Review

This post was reviewed by Deborah Farmer Kris. Deborah is a child development expert and the author of "Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive,” the I See You board book series, and the All the Time picture book series. Her bylines include CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR’s Mindshift, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. Deborah is currently an expert advisor for the PBS KIDS show, “Carl the Collector,” and spent 20+ years as a K-12 educator. You can purchase her books here.

It is an all-too-common scenario— a baby is up all night crying and an exhausted mother gets in and out of bed to care for the infant. The father sleeps soundly next to her, seemingly oblivious to the crying baby. In the morning, the father is shocked to hear that it was a “bad night” and insists that he didn’t even hear the baby crying.

So can research help us to settle this age-old debate— are men really less likely to hear babies crying at night? Is this simply a biological difference in hearing sensitivity or is there something more going on here?

A recent study finally addressed this debate. Here is what they found:

1. Men are slightly less likely than women to awaken to quiet crying sounds but are just as likely as women to awaken to louder crying sounds. The researchers found a very slight difference at the lowest decibel level (33 to 44 decibels— which is a little bit louder than a whisper) with women being 14% more likely than men to awaken to both crying sounds and alarms at this level. However, at higher decibel levels (which would likely be the actual decibel level of an infant crying on a baby monitor or in the same room), there were no differences in waking between men and women.

2. Mothers wake up with infants about THREE TIMES more than fathers. This study found that mothers woke up more frequently than fathers in most families. Only about 23% of families reported that mothers and fathers woke up an equal number of times at night. Only 1% of families reported that the father woke up more often than mother. This finding backs up previous research which consistently finds that women wake up with infants more often than men even when controlling for breastfeeding and whether both parents are employed outside of the home.

3. The very slight difference in hearing sensitivity between men and women cannot explain the significant differences in mothers versus fathers waking up with their infants. Based on the very slight difference in hearing sensitivity, it was predicted that mothers should do 57% of the nighttime wake-ups. Yet, this study found that mothers do 76% of the wake-ups, suggesting that factors other than hearing sensitivity might be at play.

Why Might This Be?

So if it isn’t that fathers don’t hear the crying, why are women waking up with infants so much more often than men? Breastfeeding is obviously a huge factor but research also finds that breastfeeding doesn’t fully explain these differences. Differences in parental leave and societal expectations likely also play a role. Interestingly, this study was conducted in Denmark which has generous and gender-neutral parental leave policies (24 weeks for each parent) and more egalitarian views on gender roles. The differences in nighttime caregiving between men and women in countries like the United States are likely to be even more striking.

Important Note

This study only examined hearing differences in men and women who were not yet parents in order to look at whether there was a basic biological difference in hearing independent of societal expectations, gender roles, and conditioning to respond to infant cries. However, hormonal changes during pregnancy and postpartum may change the brains of mothers to make them more attuned to infants’ cries. For example, research also finds that the hormones released during breastfeeding make mothers more sensitive to infant cries. Mothers may also become more attuned to infant crying due to habitually responding to the crying more often. In other words, just because there is not a biological difference in hearing sensitivity between men and women does not mean that mothers are not more attuned to infant cries.

In addition, simply being able to hear crying is different than waking up and becoming alert enough to care for the infant. Research finds when women hear crying their brain is more likely to shift out of resting state to a more attentive state, while men’s brains tend to stay in resting state. It may be that men hear the crying but do not spring to action in the same way as women.

Should Fathers Be Doing More of the Night Shift?

This study shows us that mothers still do the bulk of nighttime wake-ups with infants, even in more egalitarian societies. However, a significant body of research finds that fathers taking a bigger role in nighttime caregiving may have huge benefits for the whole family. First and perhaps most importantly, the more nighttime caregiving that fathers do, infants wake up less often at night and the show better sleep quality. Not surprisingly, fathers being more involved is also linked to better outcomes for mothers— including less insomnia, being happier with their relationship, and more confidence about their child’s sleep. Finally, in families with more equal sharing of nighttime caregiving, the fathers report stronger bonds with their infants.

Overall Translation

Mothers still seem to do most of the nighttime wake-ups with infants and this difference does not seem to be explained by basic biological differences in hearing sensitivity between men and women. It also doesn’t seem to be fully explained by breastfeeding or the employment status of mothers. Yet, despite this enduring gender difference, research also finds that infants and their families would benefit from fathers doing more of the nighttime care— whether they are the first to hear the crying or not!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

You can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here.

The first 24–48 hours after a book is released are crucial for its success. Launch day sales signal to retailers (like Amazon or bookstores) to stock more books and promote the book to more people — which ultimately means that the book will reach the families that need it. Even if you don’t need this book for your own family, consider gifting it to your local library, preschool, or childcare center! Thank you for your ongoing support of me and my mission to help children learn emotional regulation skills!

And in honor of my book, here is a deep dive on biting, including how you respond to biting and how you prevent biting…

There are few worse feelings as a parent of a young child than hearing that your child bit another child. There are also few experiences more shocking as a parent than the first time that your child bites you or another caregiver. Yet, despite the stigma around biting, it is an incredibly common occurrence among young children and does not mean there is anything wrong with you, your child, or your parenting.

Research finds that biting tends to peak around 13 to 30 months and gradually decreases as children develop and learn new skills to express their needs in other ways. So what can you do while your child is going through this phase? How do you respond to biting when it happens and is there anything you can do to prevent biting?

How Do You Respond to Biting?

1) Assure safety and calm yourself down: Separate the biter from the bitten child and assess the bite for damage. Biting can activate your own flight-or-fight response so remember to use your own coping skills to stay calm in the moment.

2) Console the child who was bitten first: Attending to the bitten child before the biter achieves three goals— 1) Makes sure that the bitten child is not seriously hurt 2) Avoids giving attention to biting behavior (remember that attention usually increases the frequency of a behavior even if that it is negative attention), and 3) Models to the biter and other children around how to show empathy when someone is hurt.

3) Explain the rule: After consoling the victim, firmly and calmly explain to the biter the rule: “No biting others. Biting hurts.” It might seem obvious to you but young children may not yet understand that biting is painful to others.

4) Encourage the child to apologize or make amends: Ask the child what they could do to make the bitten child feel better. If they can’t name anything, then you could suggest that they get an ice pack or a bandaid or do something kind for the child that they bit.

5) Problem solve: Once the child who bit is calm, help the child to think about what he or she could have done instead of biting, such as asking for a turn, walking away, or chewing on a teether.

6) Do NOT shame the child or bite the child to “show them how it feels”: These strategies are not effective and may even increase their tendency to bite again in the future.

How Do You Prevent Biting?

Although it is important to know how to respond in the moment to biting, it is also important that you address the root cause of biting by understanding why your child is biting. Understanding the why is ultimately how you prevent this behavior in the future. When you understand the underlying need behind the biting, you can help your child to use an appropriate strategy to meet their need instead.

You can identify the why by really paying attention to the situations in which the biting occurs and what happens before, during, and after the biting. Here are the five main reasons that children bite and the strategies you should use for each reason:

Five Reasons Why Children Bite and the Strategy You Should Use

1. Frustration/ emotional dysregulation: Your child may be biting due to frustration or emotional dysregulation when you notice signs of emotional upset around the time of biting, such as whining or yelling, crying, tense body language, seeming restless, furrowed brows, red face, or a change in the tone of their voice.

   1. If you think your child is biting due to emotional dysreguation, help your child to first label and express their feelings and then use coping skills. For example, “I notice you are getting frustrated— do you want to try belly breathing?” You want to also make sure to notice and praise your child for using feeling words and coping skills in the future after you teach them these skills.

2. Lack of communication skills: A young child may bite because they lack the communication skills to express a need, such as wanting a turn with a toy or needing help or space.

   1. Help your child to learn to use their communication skills instead of biting. Teach them to say or sign “help” or “my turn” or “space”. If your child has more trouble communicating their basic needs than other children their age, consider a speech-language evaluation.

3. Testing boundaries/attention: These bites seem to come “out of nowhere” or when a parent is involved in something else and the child is calm. The child may even be smiling or laughing.

   1. These types of bites can be prevented by giving children more attention for appropriate behavior and allowing more choices throughout the day. It may also be important to clearly explain to the child that biting hurts other people since young children may not yet understand this concept.

4. Teething: Teething is associated with increased biting. A sign that biting is related to teething is when you also notice increased drooling, rubbing of the gums/ears, face rash, increased chewing on everything, swollen gums, and decreased appetite for solid food. The bite may also seem more like a chew or nibble.

   1. Research finds that parents report that the most effective remedies for teething include teething rings and gentle massaging of the gums. The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends rubbing a frozen washcloth on the gums and teeth and administering ibuprofen/acetaminophen if needed.

5. Sensory needs: A child may bite because they need more or less sensory stimulation. A child who needs more sensory stimulation will bite as a way of getting more sensory input (this will usually happen when the child is bored or in a less stimulating environment). A child who needs less sensory stimulation will bite when they are overwhelmed (this will usually happen in a loud or busy environment).

   1. If your child needs more sensory stimulation, provide opportunities for oral stimulation with teething toys or chewlry (bracelets or necklaces designed to be chewed on) or crunchy snacks (such as pretzels or carrots). Other sensory toys such as fidget toys may also meet this need.

   2. If you think your child is biting due to sensory overwhelm, create a calm down space that they can go to when they are overwhelmed. This space could include headphones, a special blanket or lovey, and objects to help them calm down such as fidget toys or stress balls.

   3. Seek help from a pediatric occupational therapist if your child keeps biting for sensory reasons.

Overall Translation

If you’re a parent of a toddler, chances are you’ve experienced that heart-stopping moment when your little one bites—whether it’s you, a sibling, or another child. Although it might be shocking, biting is a developmentally normal impulse among young children. Yet, there are effective ways to respond to and prevent biting. My new book What To Do When You Feel Like Biting can help parents to teach their children positive coping strategies to use instead of biting. You can order the book at Amazon or other retailers. This book is jam-packed with gentle, kid-friendly ways to help your little one understand their feelings and discover safer, kinder ways to express themselves instead of biting. Grab a copy of my book today and let me know if it helps you and your family to end the biting phase once and for all!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

Leave a comment

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

You can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here.

If you're planning to grab a copy, pre-ordering before September 9 would be an incredible way to support both this book and the mission behind the series. As you may know, pre-orders make a HUGE difference— they help books hit bestseller lists, boost visibility through algorithms, and signal to retailers to stock more copies. If your child is fortunately no longer in the biting stage, consider buying one as a gift or to donate to your local childcare center or library! Thank you so much for your continued support — and for helping to get these books into the little hands that need them. 💛

I once heard of a drinking game for watching the children’s TV show Bluey: you take a drink every time the parents, Chilli and Bandit, stay calm in situations where most of us would lose it. Obviously I would never recommend playing a drinking game around your children—but the idea highlights just how impressive the parenting on this show really is.

If you haven’t heard of the show Bluey, here’s a quick run-down— it is an Australian show about a family of dogs with the main character being a 6-year-old girl named Bluey. The episodes are typically only 7 minutes long which is ideal for parents who want to limit screen time and still reach a natural ending point. Bluey is consistently ranked as a top 10 TV show for children. It is not only funny and realistic but also demonstrates positive parenting skills. One of my favorite experts on screen time, Dr. Jacqueline Nesi, has praised Bluey for promoting creative play, parenting skills, self-regulation, and healthy emotional processing. So is the show Bluey really “good” for children and does it really promote the development of social-emotional skills?

The Research Study

A recent study conducted on the show Bluey can help us to really evaluate the merits of this show. In particular, the researchers examined whether Bluey actually demonstrates resilience. This is a really interesting study because it is not only relevant to an everyday parenting decision (“What should my child watch on TV?”) but also can help us to better understand resilience and the role of screens in children’s lives.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is a buzzword, but what is it exactly? Resilience is the ability to face difficult life situations and not only survive them, but maybe even be positively transformed because of them. It is the ability to thrive in the face of all of life’s challenges. We all want this for our children, but most of us are not sure how to teach this important skill.

Let’s break down resilience a little bit further. Researchers have developed something called the Grotberg model of resilience. This model involves three different aspects of resilience:

1. I AM: the strengths, values, and personal qualities that help a person to overcome negative life situations. Examples include self-confidence, grit, and optimism.

2. I HAVE: the resources and social support available to a person that gives them strength. Examples include strong relationships with family, going to a high quality school, and having a church community.

3. I CAN: the ability to use coping skills, emotional regulation, and problem solving to handle difficult life situations. These skills are typically learned and can be a great target for intervention if you want to improve resilience.

The Research Findings

The researchers analyzed every episode of Bluey (150 episodes). They found that nearly half (48.7%) of episodes included resilience as a storyline. Creative play was also a primary or secondary theme in 48% of episodes.

Nearly all storylines about resilience in Bluey featured the I HAVE aspect of resilience (98.6%) which means they showcased how using resources and social support can make a child more resilient. Many episodes also featured the I CAN aspect of resilience (86.3%) and the I AM aspect of resilience (72.6%), meaning they demonstrated how a child can use personal qualities or coping skills to be more resilient.

Resilience was often shown in the context of the family unit in Bluey (in 86.3%). In particular, the parents often modeled and supported the development of emotional regulation. The researchers stated that: “Our findings suggest that Bluey not only models resilient behaviors in children but also demonstrates how caregivers can actively foster resilience through everyday interactions. “

So How Can You Encourage Resilience in Everyday Interactions like the Parents in Bluey?

We as parents can learn a lot about how to encourage resilience in our children from the show Bluey. If you don’t want to watch all 150 episodes like the researchers did, here is your cheat sheet:

1. Reassure your children that you are always there to help them if needed. For example, in one episode Bingo is trying to sleep in her own bed and her mother tells her: “You do your best, honey. But remember, I’m always here if you need me”.

2. Encourage children to first express emotions and then use their coping skills. After Bingo accidentally drops Chilli’s Mother’s Day breakfast, Chill models coping skills: “I have a little cry, I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going””

3. Encourage independence. Chilli encourages Bingo to learn to play independently when she doesn’t want to :“Sweetie, you are just not used to it, just give it a go”.

4. Teach kids how to communicate needs. Chilli tells Bingo to use her “big girl bark” and says “Sometimes you play too rough with me. I am only four” when others are playing roughly with her.

5. Use positive reframing. When Bluey and Bingo are playing with a balloon and it pops, their mother reminds them that balloons don’t last forever and that’s what makes them special.

Other Ways To Enhance Resilience

1. Coviewing really enhances learning. Watch Bluey with your child to really see the benefits for resilience. Research finds that coviewing TV shows can enhance learning, particularly when parents ask children questions about what is happening on screen and relate it to their own lives (for example, “How did Bingo help herself to feel better? When might you do the same thing yourself?”)

2. Use books to build resilience. TV shows aren’t the only way to build resilience, research finds that stories and books can build these skills as well. My new book What To Do When You Feel Like Biting has many research-backed strategies for emotional regulation (even if biting is not an issue for your child, you might still find these strategy helpful) and you can pre-order it here. Other books that I recommend for building resilience include: The Girl Who Never Makes Mistakes, The Rabbit Who Listened, and I Can Do Hard Things.

3. Check out Sesame Street resources: The Sesame Street website also includes many free resources related to resilience. These include free videos, songs, and books to build resilience. These resources are based on research and developed in consultation with experts on child development.

Overall Translation

The children’s show Bluey offers thoughtful examples of how to encourage resilience in kids, providing valuable lessons not just for children, but for parents too. While more research is needed to determine whether watching Bluey directly improves resilience, the show can serve as a great conversation starter. With or without Bluey’s help, parents can support their children by helping them identify sources of support, recognize their own strengths, and develop coping skills to handle life’s ups and downs.

And if all else fails, just ask yourself: what would Chilli and Bandit do?

*** And don’t forget to pre-order my new book— What To Do When You Feel Like Biting :)

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

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Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

Leave a comment

Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 2-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 10-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Source: Hannah Nelson/Pexels

The Wall Street Journal recently published an article that gained a lot of attention among parents. The article was titled “Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello F* Around and Find Out” and it described a new parenting style, F* Around and Find Out Parenting (or FAFO parenting). FAFO parenting seems to be a backlash to the gentle parenting movement. The cheeky name may make FAFO parenting seem like a joke but many parents and influencers seem to be seriously considering the merits of this approach. So is there really any research backing up any aspects of this parenting style? And should you try it out in your own life?

What Exactly is F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) Parenting?

FAFO parenting involves giving children the freedom to make choices and test limits (the “F* Around” part) and then enforcing or allowing natural and logical consequences for the choices they make (the “Find Out” part). For example, FAFO parents would allow children not to wear a coat on a cold day and “find out” on their own just how uncomfortable they feel without it. They may not remind children about homework and allow the child to face the consequences of not turning it in. FAFO parents also do not shy away from consequences enforced by parents. For example, if a child misuses the iPad, the parent may take it away for a period of time, or if they don’t clean up their toys, the parent may throw away or donate some of them.

FAFO parenting feels like a direct counter to gentle parenting which advises parents to avoid consequences. It also seems to provide a solution for parents who worry whether gentle parenting prepares children for the “real world.”

FAFO parenting as a whole is too new to be comprehensively studied by researchers (even gentle parenting hasn’t been studied in this way yet— although see a previous newsletter here reviewing the research on aspects of gentle parenting). Yet, there is research on the different components of FAFO parenting and understanding this research can help us to understand which parts parents may want to implement and which parts they may want to avoid or implement more cautiously.

Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Are Backed by Research?

1. Allowing children autonomy and choice. One of the aspects of FAFO parenting that is most backed by research is the “F* around” part of it. FAFO encourages parents to step back and allow their children to make choices without trying to control or influence them. This supports decades of research finding that parents that allow children more freedom tend to have happier and more well-adjusted children. On the other hand Intrusive or controlling parenting (which may involve excessive monitoring or preventing your child from making mistakes or suffering hardship) is associated with higher anxiety, depression, and poor coping skills.

2. Using natural and logical consequences. FAFO parenting encourages the use of natural and logical consequences which are consistently backed by research. Natural consequences are any results of the child’s behavior that happen without the parents intervening. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, they may break the toy. Logical consequences are consequences of a child’s behavior that are enforced by parents and directly related to the behavior. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, a parent may take it away. Research finds that clear and consistent consequences are very effective in improving children’s behavior AND mental health. In fact, natural and logical consequences are rated as the most effective discipline technique by both parents and children. Research finds that because natural and logical consequences are more acceptable to children, they are less likely to cause anger and more likely to increase empathy, which ultimately leads to children actually internalizing the values behind the rules— see this newsletter which explains this research.

3. Learning through real life experiences rather than verbal explanations. Research finds that children may learn better from active experiences than verbal lectures. For young children in particular sometimes we parents use too many words which ultimately overwhelms their limited language comprehension abilities. FAFO parenting may help us move away from lengthy verbal explanations and instead allow children to learn on their own the consequences of their actions.

Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Should You Avoid or Be Careful About?

1. Consequences should be firm and fair but not punishing or mean-spirited. Research consistently finds that the most effective parenting approach involves consequences being delivered with warmth and respect. Consequences should never be delivered in a mocking or insensitive way.

2. Parents should also avoid consequences that are controlling or that aim to shame or manipulate children. This could include using threats to make your child behave or trying to induce guilt or fear when enforcing consequences. This type of controlling parenting is associated with anxiety, depression, and behavior problems in kids.

3. Consequences should never involve physical aggression. I was disappointed to see that the Wall Street Journal article which brought mainstream attention to FAFO parenting included examples such as throwing a child in a pond and biting a child back after they bit you. Research has consistently shown that physical discipline is always counterproductive since children simply learn that aggression is a way to solve problems. Consequences should always be delivered calmly and without any physical aggression.

4. Focus on prevention. One key point that is missed by FAFO parenting is that prevention may be more effective than consequences. Prevention may include clearly communicating rules and expectations, practicing coping skills when your child is calm, following predictable routines, and helping your child to avoid triggers.

5. Focus on emotions too! Although consequences may be helpful, parents should never neglect emotional coaching and connection. Talking about and supporting your child’s emotions has so many benefits including improving children’s emotion regulation and behavior. To practice emotion coaching, talk about emotion as often as possible particularly during times of calm, and validate and empathize with your children’s emotions even when you are delivering consequences.

6. Make sure you are allowing developmentally appropriate choices and freedom. Allowing children to make their own choices is so important, but make sure they are ready for this privilege. For example, you may allow your 10-year-old to choose whether or not to wear a coat but not your two-year-old. In addition, only you know what your child is ready for— some 10-year-old children are responsible enough to explore the neighborhood on their own and some are not. Neurodiverse children, such as children with ADHD and autism, may need more support in making these choices on their own.

7. Solve problems together instead of leaving your children to solve problems on their own. Your children may not yet have the problem-solving abilities to fully figure it out on their own so brainstorm and talk through the options with them until they are able to do it independently. Research finds that collaborative problem solving helps to reduce behavior problems and build problem-solving skills.

Overall Translation

F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) parenting may be very appealing to parents who feel burnt out and frustrated by gentle parenting. I have previously written about how parents may experience gentle parenting as unrealistic and may feel like they need more concrete discipline strategies. These sentiments may explain why FAFO parenting has gone viral. This parenting style may, at least on the surface, provide an alternative approach that seems easier and more straightforward to implement.

When examined from the lens of research, FAFO parenting involves many strengths, including giving children more freedom, using natural and logical consequences, and allowing children to learn from real world experiences. However, parents should also be cautious about some aspects of FAFO parenting including how they enforce consequences, remembering to focus on prevention and emotions, and solving problems collaboratively with their children.

It might seem like you have to make a choice between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting. Yet, research really suggests a more balanced approach— using consequences alongside talking through emotions, allowing freedom to f* around and make their own choices alongside guidance and prevention, responding seriously and firmly to inappropriate behavior alongside love and warmth. The dichotomy between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting really only exists on the internet. In real life, choosing a parenting style is not like choosing a religion— you can take what you like and leave the rest.

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 1-year-old, 5-year-old, 7-year-old, and 9-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Today’s newsletter is a collaboration with Dr. Jacqueline Nesi of the hugely popular Techno Sapiens newsletter. Dr. Nesi is one of the leading researchers studying the impact of technology on children and also excels at translating this research for children. If you aren’t already subscribed to her newsletter, then subscribe here!

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Maybe you’ve noticed: in the past few weeks, the latest round of scary, screen-related headlines has arrived:

“Real Risk to Youth Mental Health Is ‘Addictive Use,’ Not Screen Time Alone, Study Finds” (The New York Times)

“Why Parents Should Focus on Screen Addiction Over Screen Time, Says New Study” (Parents)

“Screen addiction and suicidal behaviors are linked for teens, a study shows” (NPR)

So, what should we make of these findings? Should we get rid of screen time limits? Is “screen addiction” a real diagnosis? And where do we go from here?

Tell me about the study

For this new paper, published last month in JAMA, researchers analyzed data from the Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development (ABCD) Study, a massive, ongoing study of child health that’s following thousands of kids across the U.S.

This particular project involved 4,285 tweens who participated at three time points, spanning ages 10 to 14.

The following measures were collected:

• Addictive screen use. The kids filled out surveys assessing addictive use of three types of screens: phones, social media, and video games.

• Screen time. Kids also reported the total number of hours (0-24) they spend per day on screens for non-school activities.

• Mental health symptoms. Parents reported whether kids had symptoms of a range of concerns, like depression, anxiety, and behavior problems.

• Suicidal ideation and behavior. Both parents and kids were interviewed about whether the child had any suicidal thoughts or attempts over the past few years.

The researchers then looked at patterns in how kids’ addictive screen use changed over time. For some, it started low and increased. For others, it started low (or high) and stayed that way.

What did the researchers find?

“Addictive use” was very common, and increased over time.

• 49% of kids showed addictive patterns of phone use, and 25% showed increasing levels over time.

• 10% showed addictive patterns of social media use, and 31% showed increasing levels over time

• 41% showed addictive patterns of video game use

In general, addictive patterns of screen use were associated with worse mental health outcomes.

• Kids who showed highly addictive social media or video game use were at greater risk for suicidal thoughts, suicidal behavior, and other mental health problems

• Kids who showed highly addictive phone use were also at greater risk for suicidal thoughts and behavior

• Interestingly, total amount of screen time was not associated with any mental health problems.

• Findings do not prove that addictive screen use causes mental health concerns— only that these behaviors are linked. There could be other factors, like poor self-regulation or disrupted sleep, driving both.

First things first

Before we start further analyzing this study, let’s pause and highlight what’s most important: too many children are struggling with their mental health.

In this study, 5.1% of kids ages 10 to 14 had engaged in suicidal behaviors, and 17.9% had thoughts of suicide. These numbers are consistent with other recent national estimates. There’s no way around it: this is heartbreaking, and something we need to continue taking very seriously.

If your child is struggling with their mental health, or if you’re concerned that they are using screens in addictive or problematic ways, you should talk to a professional. Your pediatrician is a good place to start, as is this list of resources. If they (or anyone you know) are having thoughts of suicide, you can call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org.

Okay, now, what should we make of this study?

What does “addictive screen use” actually mean?

The researchers used three different measures to assess each of addictive social media use, phone use, and video gaming, but here are some common criteria:

1. Difficulty stopping or limiting screens:"I’ve tried to use my social media apps less, but I can't” or “I have been unable to reduce my phone use”

2. Distress, irritability, anxiety, or depression when not using screens: “I’ve become stressed or upset if I am not allowed to play video games.”⁵

3. Using screens to regulate emotions: “I use social media apps so I can forget about my problems."

4. Thinking about using screens frequently: "I often think about my phone when I am not using it"

5. Screen use causing problems in other activities, like work, school, relationships, or sleep: “I play video games so much that it has had a bad effect on my schoolwork” or “Arguments have arisen with others because of my phone use.”

So, is screen addiction a real diagnosis?

Here’s where things get complicated.

On the one hand, some of these screen-related behaviors are definitely concerning. These results confirm that there are many children whose screen use is problematic—it’s interfering with their lives in important ways, it’s causing distress for them and the people around them, and they cannot stop even when they want to—and it is linked to worse mental health.

It’s also worth noting that many of the types of screens they’re using are designed to be highly engaging and hard to put down, which is likely exacerbating these behaviors. This should not be the case.

At the same time, the term “addiction” may not be the right one. There is no official definition of “screen addiction,” and it is not a true medical diagnosis. When we use this term, we run the risk of lumping problematic screen use together with addiction to substances (like alcohol or drugs), which operate differently, and require different treatments. We also run the risk of overly pathologizing certain behaviors. Is it really a disease, for example, if a child is often thinking about using their phone to text friends?

“Addiction” is a convenient shorthand for describing patterns of screen use that are problematic, but we need to be careful about what, exactly, we mean when we say it.

Overall translation

This study is important. It reminds us to pay attention to our children’s relationship with screens, and to be on the lookout for behaviors that could signal more serious mental health concerns.

It also offers an important distinction between “overall screen time” and “addictive patterns of use.” These things are, of course, related—kids with excessive screen time are also at risk for addictive use—but the specific number of minutes our children are spending with screens likely matters less than their relationship with screens.

Are screens interfering with other activities? Causing them significant distress? Causing problems in other areas?

What should I do with this information?

If you are concerned about your child’s relationship with screens, reach out to a professional.

Here are some other things to keep in mind:

1. Set clear boundaries on screen use

Try to involve your child in deciding on limits, and keep them firm but flexible–for example, You get X hours of screen time everyday (predictable), but you can choose when to use it (flexible).

2. Model a healthy relationship with your own devices

This one is hard, but important! Talk to your child about why screens can be hard to put down, and the strategies you’re using to curb your own use.

3. Be aware of the red flags in your child’s screen use

Many children have some difficulty stopping their screen use, or get upset sometimes when screen time is over—but if you sense that your child’s reactions may be extreme, if they’re lying about their screen use, or if it’s causing problems with school or friends, it may be time to talk to a professional.

4. Try mindfulness

Encourage your child (and yourself!) to take a moment to consider why they’re using screens, and how they’re feeling afterward. You can also try “urge surfing,” which involves observing the rise and fall of a “craving” (e.g., the urge to unlock a phone) without acting upon it.

5. Substitute with other things

Instead of simply cutting off screen time, consider other behaviors that meet the same need. For example: to manage boredom, help them create a list of screen-free activities; to deal with strong emotions, help them think of other coping skills; to socialize, create opportunities for in-person hangouts.

6. Change the environment

Our environments play a major role in shaping habits. Try altering your physical environment to limit screens (e.g., creating screen-free times and places, like in the bedroom or at dinner) and your digital environment to do the same (e.g., by using apps like Freedom, Forest, or Stay Focused).

Thank you for continuing to be a loyal subscriber to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I would like to sincerely apologize for my newsletters being less frequent in the past few months. I have been working on some exciting projects which I will announce soon. In the meantime, the newsletter will be back with more regularity and I’m hoping to really focus on the topics that are most interesting and most helpful to YOU as a parent so give me some feedback and let me know what you want! Today’s newsletters will be on one of my most requested topics— the research behind rewards for children!

Sticker charts, earning something special for “good behavior,” and paying children an allowance for completing chores have long been common practice among parents. Yet, in recent years, these type of reward systems have come under attack by many parenting influencers and experts. In the world of “gentle parenting,” rewards for behavior are a big no-no. Dr. Becky, Big Little Feelings, Janet Lansbury, and many other popular parenting influencers advise parents to avoid rewarding their children— even claiming that rewards can be disrespectful or damaging for children. As Dr. Becky says, “we are raising humans, not training animals.”

Yet, at the same time, most child psychologists advocate that parents use rewards and most evidence-based parenting programs include the use of a reward system. Interestingly enough, both sides claim that their position is backed by research. So why is the advice of parenting influencers so different from child psychologists and how can both sides claim to have research on their side? What does research really find about rewards?

The Anti-Reward Movement

The crusade against rewards was initially spearheaded by author and gentle parenting icon, Alfie Kohn. [An interesting side note is that Alfie Kohn also led the crusade against the phrase “good job”.] In 1993, Alfie Kohn wrote a book titled Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes. In this book, Kohn claims that rewards are “useless” and “counterproductive” because rewards ultimately make children lose interest in what you are rewarding them for and they become motivated only by the reward rather than the task itself. In other words, he argued that when you provide external motivation (such as rewards) children lose internal or intrinsic motivation. According to this line of thinking, rewarding children for cleaning their rooms could prevent them from developing an internal drive to take care of their spaces and, perhaps more importantly, from grasping the ethical importance of contributing to the household in a meaningful way. According to Kohn, rewards result in short-term gain in exchange for long-term damage to motivation, creativity, learning, achievement, and even moral development.

So are these claims backed by research?

What Does the Actual Research Say?

The confusion around rewards make sense because at an initial glance the research itself is confusing. Some research has backed up the claims of Alfie Kohn and the parenting influencers, finding that rewards decrease intrinsic motivation (translation: rewards make children lose interest in the task or behavior that you are rewarding and they become less likely to engage in it when you take your reward away). Yet, some research finds that rewards increase intrinsic motivation (translation: rewards actually make children more likely to do the task or behavior you are rewarding them for, even after you take the reward away).

A closer examination of the research reveals a pattern— rewards decrease intrinsic motivation for an activity that a child already enjoys (such as drawing) but increase intrinsic motivation for an activity that a child doesn’t already enjoy (such as cleaning their room). Even for tasks that a child already enjoys, rewards may only decrease intrinsic motivation if they are tangible (that is, a reward you can touch such as candy, stickers, or money). This is a really important distinction because it really only makes sense that parents would reward children for activities that children don’t already enjoy and aren’t motivated to do on their own. For example, if your child really enjoys taking a bath and they eagerly get in the bath every night, you wouldn’t think to set up a reward system for taking a bath. However, if your child hates taking a bath and it is a fight every night, a reward system might be just what you need. Translation: Research suggests that you don’t really have to worry about rewarding your child for the types of tasks you would typically set up a reward system for (that is, the tasks they aren’t doing on their own).

For activities your child isn’t already doing on their own, rewards may help to “jumpstart” intrinsic motivation. How this works is that rewards get the child to engage in something they may not have without the reward and eventually they start to see the intrinsic motivation. Going back to the bath example— your child may initially hate bathing and only take a bath to get a reward. Yet, when they start taking a bath every night, they may start enjoying the calming experience of the bath in their bedtime routine and the feeling of being clean. Eventually they love bathing for bathing’s sake and, just like that, they have developed the intrinsic motivation to take a bath. Another example— your child may not be initially motivated to have a clean room but if you give them rewards for cleaning their room, they may start to realize that they like being able to easily walk around their room and find everything they need and they may start to enjoy the sense of accomplishment they get from cleaning their room. Ultimately, they become intrinsically motivated to keep their room clean. You can eventually fade out the rewards as the activity itself becomes intrinsically rewarding.

There is also no doubt that rewards have other benefits above and beyond increasing intrinsic motivation such as encouraging persistence and improving children’s control over their own behavior. In addition, parenting training programs that use reward systems have been found to have significant and long-lasting positive impacts on children’s behavior and the parent-child relationship.

An Important Exception…

There is some evidence that providing tangible rewards for social behavior, such as helping others or sharing, may undermine intrinsic motivation (that is, make children less likely to want to help others or share in the future). This makes sense since these types of social behaviors should be rewarding in themselves. Intangible rewards such as praise or positive attention do not seem to have the same impact and parents should feel free to use praise and positive attention for any social behavior they would like to see more often (“I noticed that you shared your toys with your friend”).

Bribes Versus Rewards

Many parents have heard that they should not bribe their children. But what exactly is a bribe and how is it different from a reward? A bribe is when a parent promises a reward to stop “bad” behavior. For example, if your child is hitting their sibling in the backseat and you say: “If you leave your sister alone, then we can go get ice cream”. A reward on the other hand would be offered in the absence of “bad” behavior . Bribes are a problem because they are actually rewarding the “bad” behavior because your child may learn that if they engage in that behavior, you will reward them to stop doing it which indirectly rewards the “bad” behavior.

What About Children with ADHD?

It is also important to note that reward systems may be particularly effective with children with ADHD. However, research also shows that children with ADHD may respond more positively to smaller, more immediate rewards than larger delayed rewards.

Overall Translation

Using rewards with children may have many positive impacts and we have no consistent evidence of negative impacts (with the very important exception of using rewards for tasks your child is already motivated to complete or positive social behavior like sharing or helping). More research is needed but the research we do have gives parents some guidance. Here are some evidence-based tips for using rewards with children in a way that does not decrease intrinsic motivation and may actually improve your child’s behavior:

1. Avoid using rewards for tasks your child already enjoys or is already motivated to do. For example, if your child is very motivated to be potty-trained and interested in using the potty, you may not want to use rewards. However, if your child does not seem motivated or interested, rewards may be essential. A good rule of thumb is whether they are doing the task without you asking them to do it.

2. Avoid using rewards for any type of social interaction (such as sharing, playing nicely with siblings, or helping others). These activities should be enjoyable and motivating in themselves. However, praising and giving positive attention to these behaviors can be very effective and should not impact intrinsic motivation.

3. Base rewards on the child’s performance. Decide in advance which specific behaviors you will reward and only reward those behaviors. If rewards are given willy-nilly, they lose their meaning.

4. Reward your child immediately and consistently after the behavior. Rewards need to be immediate and consistent or children will not link the behavior to the reward. Research also finds that immediate rewards tend to increase intrinsic motivation more than delayed rewards.

5. Don’t use bribes. In other words, don’t use rewards to stop “bad” behavior or your child may ultimately link the reward to that behavior.

6. Find the system that works best for you and stick to it. Some parents prefer a sticker chart, some prefer tally marks on a piece of paper, some prefer apps (I personally love and use the app Stellar). Go through some trial and error to find out what system you can use consistently and seems to be the most motivating to your child. You may have to use concrete and immediate rewards for children who are three or younger (this is very important to remember if you are considering using rewards for potty training).

7. Gradually stop using rewards when they are no longer necessary. There isn’t research specifically informing when and how parents should fade rewards so pay attention to your child and notice when the reward seems less and less important and gradually phase it out.

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

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Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 1-year-old, 4-year-old, 7-year-old, and 9-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Source: RDNE/Pexels

Most of the content for parents of sons on social media seems to be very negative, especially the content for “boy moms.” As a mother to two boys myself, I find some of this content sweet and relatable, but a lot of it is, frankly, obnoxious and verging on toxic. Recently I have seen posts circulating on social media claiming that boy moms don’t live as long and age faster than girl moms. My initial response to these posts was annoyance at yet another negative message being spread about being a parent to boys. However, when I dug into the research, I was surprised to find that there may be some truth to this claim— but it’s more complicated than you may think.

Main Research Findings

Research consistently finds that having sons is linked to a shorter lifespan and worse health in mothers. One study found that a mother’s risk of death per year increased by 7% for each son that they had (two sons would mean a 14% increase, 3 sons a 21% increase, etc.). A previous study conducted by the same authors found that, for every son a woman had, their lifespan decreased by 34 weeks while daughters were associated with a slightly increased lifespan (although this was not statistically significant). Interestingly fathers may not experience the same decrease in lifespan. Another study found that mothers reported worse health in old age with each son they had. Specifically, mothers had an 11% increased odds of reporting poor health in old age with each son that they had. Finally, a recent study found that parents of sons (both mothers and fathers) showed faster cognitive decline in old age.

Why Might This Be?

One theory that researchers have is that sons take more of a toll on a mother’s body (aka the expensive son hypothesis). The idea is that pregnancy, birth, and lactation of sons depletes maternal reserves more than daughters do and therefore the mother’s health may be negatively impacted. Supporting this idea, research finds that boys require more energy during pregnancy and lactation than girls. Research also finds that having sons may increase inflammation that contributes to degenerative diseases. In particular, research finds that having boys increases the risk for cardiovascular disease in mothers.

There may also be social factors at play, in addition to biological factors. For example, grandmothers are more involved in the care of their daughter’s children than their son’s children and being more involved in child care is linked to better health in old age. Daughters are also more likely than sons to provide care to their elderly parents, so parents of daughters may get better quality care in old age which could result in a longer lifespan and better health in old age.

However, there is no research finding that this association is caused by boys being more challenging or stressful than girls, as social media would suggest.

Why Parents of Boys Shouldn’t Be Too Worried

This research is all correlational so we cannot definitively say that having boys actually causes a shorter lifespan and more health problems. It may be that an underlying factor makes a person more likely to have a boy and more likely to have health problems. For example, higher levels of testosterone may make you more likely to have a boy and more likely to have health problems (and of course not all boy moms have higher levels of testosterone).

Some Positivity for Parents of Boys

As I said at the beginning of this newsletter, I hate the negativity around being a “boy mom” or a parent of boys more generally. Although I always strive to accurately report the research, I do not want to further this narrative. Of course, on a personal level, I can say that I love so many aspects of being a mother to my boys and even if they do shorten my lifespan, they more than make up for it in all of the joy they bring to my life. But what about the research? Does research find any benefits of being a parent to boys?

Unfortunately, the research on this topic is limited but we do have some evidence for positive outcomes associated with having boys. Mothers who only have sons are the most likely to report the highest level of happiness in their marriage and there is some evidence that parents with sons may be less likely to divorce. The birth of a son may also be linked to an easier transition to being parents than the birth of a daughter. A reason for all of this may be that fathers are more involved in caring for sons than daughters. Fathers of sons also make more money than fathers of daughters.

Research does find that girls show higher levels of positive emotions, and boys show higher activity levels and lower fear on average. The people who are negative about being a parent to boys may frame these personality traits as burdens or stressors, but an active and brave child can also be a lot of fun!

In addition, although pregnancies with boys may be harder on your body, mothers pregnant with boys may show better working memory and spatial skills than mothers pregnant with girls. The myth of morning sickness being worse when pregnant with girls is also true— women pregnant with boys show less severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy.

You may have also heard that sons are more likely to grow distant from their mothers in adulthood but fear not because research finds that unmarried sons are the most likely group to live with their mother in adulthood!

Overall Translation

There is some evidence that being a parent to boys is linked to a slightly shorter lifespan, an increased risk for health problems, and faster aging. While it is not completely clear why these associations occur, researchers speculate that sons may take more out of the mother during pregnancy and lactation and that sons may have different relationships with their parents in old age.

However, the most important point here is that these statistics are based on averages and have no predictive power for your life. This topic is a great example of how research typically only informs us about what is most likely to happen based on averages and not what will happen in your life. Just because the average mother of boys has a shorter lifespan does not mean that you will (or your partner will) die younger and just because daughters are more likely to provide care for elderly parents does not mean that you son won’t step up and be an incredible caretaker for you in old age. These stereotypes are not always true and you have a lot of power in deciding the type of relationship you have with your son.

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

Share Parenting Translator

Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

Subscribe now

Also please let me know any feedback you have or ideas for future newsletters!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 1-year-old, 4-year-old, 7-year-old, and 9-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Source: Danik Prihodko/Pexels

“I don’t have a favorite child— I love you all equally” is something all parents of more than one child have been programmed to say. However, if you have more than one child yourself or you come from a family with more than one child, you may have wondered if this is really true. If you suspect that your own parents have a favorite child or you sometimes feel like you might have a favorite child, you aren’t alone. In fact, research finds that 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers report that they give preferential treatment to one child over another. The “favorite child” drama does not end in childhood— research suggests that concerns about parents’ favoritism persist even into adulthood.

So what do we know from the research about favorite children and preferential treatment? And, most importantly, what can you do to make sure that your children aren’t negatively impacted by perceived (or real) preferential treatment?

How Do I Know if I Have a Favorite Child?

If you are thinking that this research could never apply to you since you don’t have a favorite child, think again. Even if you are a parent who has sworn never to have favorites, you may find yourself wanting to be around the child who is challenging you the least at any given time, favoring your younger child in a sibling argument, or spending the most time with the child who needs you the most. Of course, differential treatment is very normal and understandable. Who wouldn’t prefer playing one of your favorite board games with your 10-year-old over arguing with your toddler about why they have to wear socks? Or who wouldn’t prefer cuddling with their preschooler over being pushed away by a moody teenager? And let’s all be honest— some children are just easier to parent than other children regardless of their age or stage. It is also hard not to have a natural affinity towards a child who shares your temperament (such as being more calm or more extroverted) or who has common interests.

These types of temporary stages of preferential treatment aren’t what researchers and psychologists are worried about and likely won’t have a negative impact on children. However, all parents need to be careful that these brief periods of differential treatment don’t become a consistent pattern of favoritism. So what exactly does it mean to be the favorite child? The favorite child is not necessarily more loved by the parent. Researchers define favoritism as a family dynamic in which either parents show a consistent pattern of preferential treatment in any of the following areas: affection (physical affection, verbal expressions of love, praise, etc.), less conflict with parents, more resources from parents (including time, attention, material items, and financial resources), and more autonomy or freedom.

How Does This Impact the Non-Favorite Child?

Research finds that being the non-favorite child is not just an annoyance but is associated with worse outcomes in children. In particular, research finds that the child who is not the favorite tends to show more mental health concerns, more behavior problems, more problems in school, worse self-regulation skills, and more relationship problems. Even adult children report feeling more depressed and more signs of narcissism when they think their mother prefers a sibling. The non-favorite child also has a worse relationship with their parents in adulthood.

You be wondering, well, which comes first— Are parents less likely to favor a child because they have more problems or does parental favoritism cause a child to develop more problems? We can’t definitively answer that question with the research we currently have. However, longitudinal research finds that as children experience less favoritism over time, they are more likely to develop more behavior problems, suggesting that parental favoritism may be playing a role in causing these negative impacts.

How Does This Impact the Favorite Child?

Preferential treatment is also not great for the favorite child. There is some evidence that the preferred child may struggle in adulthood due to feeling too much pressure. The favored child may also be more likely to have the burden of taking care of their parent as they age. Although being the favorite child is generally associated with a better relationship with parents, being extremely favored is associated with a worse relationship with parents.

How Does This Impact the Sibling Relationship?

One of the most consistent and clear findings in this area of research is that parental favoritism spells bad news for the sibling relationship. Specifically, research finds that favoritism among children is linked to problems in the sibling relationship and increased sibling fighting and tension . Research also finds that favoritism hurts the sibling relationship for both the favored and the unfavored offspring since the favorite child may feel guilt while the non-favorite child might feel jealousy. Favoritism isn’t just a cause of fights but is also associated with less closeness among siblings. This may be particularly true when children see the preferential treatment of their sibling as unfair or unjustified. One study found that when older children understood why parents were giving differential treatment (such as explaining why their baby sibling doesn’t have to go to school but they do), they were more likely to perceive it as fair and more likely to have warmer and closer relationships with younger siblings. Research also finds that families that have a shared understanding of exactly what “fair treatment” looks like have more positive sibling relationships, yet these discussions seem to rarely occur in families. The negative impact of parental favoritism on sibling relationships seems to continue into adulthood and it seems to be the memory of favoritism in childhood rather than current favoritism that is associated with the most tension in adult sibling relationships.

Which Child Is Usually the Favorite?

It can be helpful to understand which children tend to be the favorite because this gives us insight into why favoritism occurs and how we can manage it. So which children tend to be the favorite? A recent paper summarizing the research found that the following children tend to be favored:

1. Younger siblings: Parents tend to favor younger siblings over older siblings. Children report that their younger siblings are more likely to get preferential treatment including more affection and more leniency. Yet 78% of children indicate that the preferential treatment is “fair”— perhaps because they realize that their younger siblings have different needs. However, parents tend to favor older siblings versus younger siblings in terms of granting them more freedom and autonomy. Although this makes sense in childhood when older siblings are usually more capable of handling this freedom, this differential treatment seems to persist into adulthood when all siblings should be equally capable of handling these responsibilities. Not surprisingly for those of us who are middle children, middle children are the least likely to be favored.

2. Daughters: Parents tend to report that they slightly favor daughters over sons (for both mothers and fathers). Researchers speculate this may be because parents seem to think girls are easier to parent than boys as girls may show less challenging behavior, less aggression, and more affection.

3. “Easier” children: Parents tend to slightly favor conscientious children (translation: more responsible and careful children) and agreeable children (translation: kind and cooperative children). This small effect may be because these children are more enjoyable to parent and parents are less likely to have conflict with them.

4. Children that share your values: Research in adult children indicates that the favored child usually shares values with the parents. Interestingly, this research in adults does not find that achievements determine whether you are favored.

So What Should You Do?

At this point, you might find all of this research very concerning. You might be thinking “Okay so nearly all parents have a favorite child and this very common practice is linked to serious negative impacts— it feels hopeless!” So what can you do in your family to prevent your children from suffering due to this potential dynamic?

1. Have open communication: Listen to your children when they are telling you that your treatment is unfair and validate their feelings even if your treatment is justified. Don’t just dismiss their concerns. Even if they don’t ask about favoritism, explain to them why there might be differential treatment (even if it’s obvious to you). For example, explain why you grant more autonomy to the oldest or pay more attention to the baby. Research finds when children understand why there is preferential treatment and when the family is on the same page about the differential treatment it doesn’t impact the sibling relationship

2. Explain to your kids the idea that “fair is not equal”: In other words, you can provide fair treatment without providing equal treatment. For example, your oldest child may be able to stay up until 9pm, which seems unequal if your younger children go to bed 8pm but it is fair because your older child’s body needs less sleep and your younger children will get to stay up to the same time when they are the same age. Explain to them that your job as a parent is not to provide equal treatment but to provide fair treatment that is responsive to each child’s needs, wants, and personality.

3. Be careful of common patterns and work to correct them: This research informs us that most parents tend to give more preferential treatment to younger children, daughters, and “easier” children. They also tend to give the oldest the most autonomy and side with the youngest in a conflict. Be careful that you are not showing these same patterns in your own family.

4. Watch out for this vicious cycle with your non-favorite child: Parents often get into vicious cycles in which the child with the most challenging behavior is their least preferred child. They then give that child less positive attention, which results in the child showing even more challenging behavior. This then results in the child being even less preferred and the cycle goes on and on. Stop this cycle dead in its tracks by making a conscious effort to give your most “difficult” child a lot of positive attention for what they do right and spend special one-on-one time with this child to “fill their cup” with positive parental attention whenever you can.

5. Be careful not to label your children: If you have more than one child, it is easy to want to label them such as calling one child the “smart one” and one the “athletic one,” or calling one child your “best helper” or “best behaved.” Labels like these can be perceived as signs of favoritism (if your child thinks you value intelligence over athleticism for example) and may put unnecessary pressure on kids even if they are true.

6. Seek family therapy if it does not improve: If you have a consistent and strong preference for one child over another, it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person or a bad parent but you may want to seek help from a family therapist to make sure it doesn’t negatively impact your child.

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 1-year-old, 4-year-old, 6-year-old, and 9-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Source: Monstera Production/Pexels

Earlier this year, I wrote a newsletter on discipline that quickly became my most popular newsletter to date. I wrote this newsletter because I was frustrated with the lack of concrete guidance on discipline in the parenting world. Most parenting advice I see on the internet includes a lot of vague theoretical ideas (“Be a confident leader!” “Behavior is communication!”) and a lot of what you should not do (“Don’t say ‘good job’ or ‘I’m proud of you’!”) , but very little about what you actually can do. Our lives as parents are so complicated that we often just need some concrete tools to get through the day but in all of the parenting content that I consume daily (which is a lot), I rarely see this type of specific guidance.

Many parents are surprised to find out that research actually provides a lot of concrete strategies for parents. Critics may argue that most of the strategies supported by research are based on behaviorism, which these critics would claim focuses only on whether your child is behaving appropriately and not your child’s internal experience. These critics would argue that children aren’t dogs being trained to fetch and we should be more worried about our child’s internal experience than whether they behave. They would also argue that parenting isn’t about raising a mini-me who does whatever you ask but developing a lifelong relationship with another human being who ultimately has their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Of course, as a child psychologist, I couldn’t agree more with this sentiment, but I also think it is possible to use these behavioral approaches while also considering your child’s internal experience and fostering a healthy and loving parent-child relationship. It’s also important to remember that we are raising our kids to live in a world in which behavioral rewards and consequences are here to stay (whether you agree that this is how the world should be or not). For example, your child’s salary as an adult will likely be based on their job performance and not their connection with their boss. Your child can also expect to get a ticket if they run a red light even if they are distracted by grief over losing a loved one. I would argue that a child’s internal experience and connection to others definitely matter, but so does learning behaviors that will help them to be more successful in this world (and help parents to get through the day).

Research-Backed Discipline Strategies

I recently found this review of reviews on discipline (translation: a review paper is a summary of all relevant research on a topic and review of reviews is a summary of all of those review papers so a review of reviews is a very comprehensive overview of a topic). This paper identified over 60 discipline strategies with moderate to large amounts of evidence (translation: at least one review or meta-analysis found overall positive impacts of the strategy and at least 10 studies showed positive effects). I reviewed six of these strategies in my previous newsletter and in today’s newsletter I will review six additional strategies.

Token economy: A token economy is a reward system in which children earn points or tokens for behaviors that can then be traded in for rewards. A common example of a token economy is a sticker chart (here are some adorable customizable charts that I love). Tokens can also include points or check marks on a piece of paper, poker chips, printed cards with smiley faces, fake gold coins, or even points on an app. I use an app called Stellar with my kids as an online reward chart. It’s so easy to use and my kids love the special effects of moving a star over on their chart (which gives them an immediate reward). There are many other apps like Stellar— just search for “reward chart” in your App store!

Research finds that using a token economy improves children’s behavior. In addition, despite what you may have heard, research finds that reward systems actually do not decrease intrinsic motivation (and may even increase intrinsic motivation for tasks a child is not already interested in).

Here is how you can implement a token economy in your home:

1. Identify several behaviors that you would like to see more often or less often: If it is a behavior you want to see less often, then try to frame it positively such as “using gentle hands” instead of “no hitting”)

2. Decide on the rules for earning tokens and then explain them clearly to your child: Make sure to clearly explain the behavior you are looking for and when you will be observing them. Do they earn a token every time you see the behavior or will they earn a token after you have observed the behavior over a period of time? How many tokens do they need to earn to get the chance to choose a reward? How will you keep track of tokens?

3. Give tokens immediately and consistently after behavior: This reward system will only be effective if you give tokens immediately after the behavior and every time (or time period) that you observe the behavior. Research finds that immediate rewards are more likely to increase intrinsic motivation. Try to avoid taking tokens away since this may ultimately lead to the child feeling less motivated by the whole system.

4. Allow the child to select a reward: Give children a variety of options for rewards so they don’t get bored (you can create a reward “menu”). Rewards can be small toys or can be activities that aren’t too expensive and easily fit into your routine as a family, such as watching TV after dinner, an extra book at bedtime, baking a special item with a parent, painting their nails, taking a bubble bath, having a sleepover with a friend, or eating dinner at a favorite restaurant. This handout has a list of potential rewards if you need more ideas!

Planned ignoring: Planned ignoring is an approach that involves ignoring certain behaviors (but not ignoring your child). Your attention is one of the most powerful motivators for children, and you may be unintentionally encouraging problem behavior by paying attention to it. Planned ignoring is a deliberate way of avoiding this common mistake. In other words, planned ignoring is not punishing a child but it is simply taking away a powerful reward to a behavior that you do not want to reward. It is very important to clarify that you should only ignore minor behaviors (something annoying but not something that has the risk of harming your child or others) and you should not use this strategy when your child is dysregulated or needs your help to calm down. Examples of behaviors that may benefit from planned ignoring include whining, “potty talk,” teasing, being too loud, saying the same thing over and over again, interrupting you, or asking for something in a “rude” way. Research finds that this strategy helps to decrease the frequency of these types of unwanted behaviors. Here is how you can use planned ignoring:

1. Identify the behavior you are targeting: It should be a relatively minor behavior and one that has the goal of getting your attention.

2. When you notice this behavior, make a conscious effort to ignore the behavior: Do not make eye contact with your child, talk to your child, or show any response to the behavior (even rolling your eyes, sighing, or talking to someone else about their behavior).

3. As soon as your child stops the behavior, return positive attention to the child: Do not mention the behavior or thank them for stopping but simply re-engage in a positive interaction with your child.

A few important warnings. First, this strategy only works if you are giving your child a lot of positive attention throughout the day. They will only notice the withdrawal of your attention if they had it in the first place. This strategy also only works if you are also teaching appropriate replacement behaviors. For example, you can’t just ignore whining without also teaching children to ask for what they want using a normal tone of voice. Finally, it is important to mention that you may see an “extinction burst” which means that the behavior gets worse before it gets better. For example, if your child has been using whining to get your attention and you stop paying attention to their whining, they may think that they just need to whine louder or longer for it to “work.” When this happens, you must be very consistent in ignoring the behavior. If you slip and give the behavior attention, the child learns that they simply need to escalate the behavior for it to “work.”

Collaborative Problem-solving: This strategy refers to when adults and children use a systematic method for solving a problem together. Research finds that this approach is linked to improved parent-child relationship, fewer problem behaviors, and less parent stress. You can use collaborative problem-solving with your child using the following steps:

1. Get a piece of paper: Even if your child can’t read yet, writing it down will help to structure the conversation. Define the problem clearly and write it at the top of the paper. For example, let’s say bedtime is a nightmare. You might define the problem as “Bedtime is taking too long.”

2. Then both you and your child state their concerns about the problem: You may say that you are concerned that your child is going to bed too late and that you need time to clean up at night. Your child may say that they want time to read their favorite books and do not want to fall asleep alone.

3. Then you and your child come up with solutions together that address all of your concerns: Let your child generate a solution first and write down every possible solution that they come up with even if it seems outlandish or something you would never agree to— it is important that your child feels heard and that their efforts at generating solutions are encouraged.

4. You and your child then evaluate every option based on whether it addresses both your and their concerns and whether it would actually work: You then agree on a solution and try it out for a period of time. You also decide on a timeframe for when to discuss whether the solution worked or not. If it does not work, you go back to the solution list and try another solution until you find one that works.

Behavior Contracts: This strategy involves a document that is written up by a child and parent together and focuses on changing a specific behavior. The document clearly explains the expected behavior and what happens if the child engages in the expected behavior versus what happens if they don’t engage in the expected behavior. Research finds that this strategy reduces challenging behavior and improves school performance. First, define the behavior and make it as specific as possible. Then, describe the reward and, again, be as specific as possible. Both you and the child should sign the document to make it “official.”

For example:

Jack will be ready for school by 7:45am every day this week (dressed, ate breakfast, brushed teeth, packed backpack, and put on shoes and coat). If he meets this goal every day for one week, he gets to choose a toy of his choice at the dollar store on Friday afternoon.

Social Narratives or Social Stories: These are short, simple stories that explain to children what will happen and what behavior is expected of them. These stories are commonly used for children with autism but can be useful for children without autism as well. Research finds that social stories are associated with an increase in appropriate behavior and a decrease in inappropriate behavior. They can be used for new situations (such as the first day of school or the first time going to the dentist) or familiar situations in which you are seeing a lot of challenging behavior. There are many free social stories online (see here and here for examples) or you can write your own (hint: you can just use paper stapled together and stick figure drawings— it really doesn’t have to be Pinterest-perfect!).

For Example:

Kate likes playing with her little brother Owen and he likes playing with her. Sometimes when they are playing, Owen takes her toys. Kate feels frustrated when this happens. She might push or hit him when he takes her toys. Instead of hitting or pushing, Kate can walk away or she can ask a grown-up for help. Kate will feel proud of herself for using gentle hands and playing nicely with her brother.

Overall Translation

This newsletter was the second in a series that reviewed discipline strategies backed by research (see the first newsletter here). The goal of these newsletters is to give parents some concrete tools that have been shown to improve behavior rather than vague, theoretical ideas about parenting or prohibitions about what parents can’t do. Of course, these strategies may not feel right for you, your child, or your family. Just because they are backed by research doesn’t mean that they will work for you. These strategies may give you somewhere to start but, above all, trust your own judgement and make the choice that feels best for your family!

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 1-year-old, 4-year-old, 7-year-old, and 9-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.

Source: Cottonbro/Pexels

Emotional eating is so ingrained in our society that it is often not considered abnormal or problematic. No one would bat an eye if you told them you were so nervous that you couldn’t stop eating chips or that you were so sad that you ate an entire carton of ice cream. Yet, most parents would not want to pass this habit on to their children. So is there anything that you can do? Research provides some insight into why emotional eating is so common and what parents can do to teach their children eating habits that are better for their physical and mental health.

What Is Emotional Eating?

Emotional eating is any eating that occurs in response to emotions. Emotional eating is usually not driven by hunger or feelings of fullness but rather internal emotional states. It often occurs with the purpose of distracting from emotions or coping with negative emotions, but can also occur in response to positive emotions. Common emotions that elicit emotional eating include anxiety, sadness, boredom, loneliness, and insecurity. Emotional eating is very common among both adults and children. Research finds that up to 63% of children engage in emotional eating.

Why Should We Care about Emotional Eating?

Given how common and accepted emotional eating is, you might be wondering whether it really matters. Research suggests that it does, since emotional eating likely puts children at risk for eating disorders and unhealthy eating practices. Research finds that emotional eating is linked with disordered eating and body image issues. Researchers have found that, when they use an intervention to reduce emotional eating, body image also improved. Research has also linked emotional eating to eating more sweet/salty foods and sugary drinks. Research consistently finds that the opposite of emotional eating, intuitive eating (translation: eating based on hunger and stopping when you feel full) is linked to better mental and physical health.

The Development of Emotional Eating

What is really interesting about emotional eating is that researchers do not believe that we are born emotional eaters. Our nervous systems are actually designed to shut down digestion in times of high emotion so that our body can focus on escaping danger rather than needing to eat. Imagine running from a predator and having to stop for a snack and you will understand why emotional eating doesn’t make sense— we should want to eat less during times of high emotion. Yet, this often is not the case.

For this reason, researchers believe that emotional eating is a learned behavior rather than something we are hardwired to do and genetic research backs this up. Research on the development of emotional eating in children further backs up this theory. Research finds that preschoolers are more likely to undereat in response to emotion and overeating in response to emotion becomes gradually more common from age 4 to 10 years. Researchers speculate that children learn to associate emotions with eating when they are consistently paired together. This line of research should be empowering since it suggests that parents may be able to prevent children from developing this habit.

How Do Children Learn Emotional Eating?

Research has consistently found that parents play an important role in the eating habits that their children develop. Research has found that parents may engage in “emotional feeding” (feeding your children in response to their moods) which is then linked to higher rates of emotional eating. This is particularly common in children who are more prone to bad moods as parents will feed them in order to improve their mood (“Here have a snack. That will help you to cheer up”).

Research (see here and here) also finds that parents who use controlling eating practices are more likely to have children who are emotional eaters. These practices include:

• Using food as a reward (“If you get ready for school on time every day this week, you will earn a lollipop!”)

• Offering food in emotionally charged situations (for example, when your child has separation anxiety so you give them a cookie whenever they are leaving them)

• Using food to regulate a child’s emotions (for example, using their favorite food to distract them or help them to cope with negative emotions)

• Using food to encourage or discourage certain behaviors (“If you are good at dinner you will get a dessert”)

• Restricting food for health reasons (this could include not allowing certain foods even in moderation because they are “unhealthy”; this strategy tends to backfire)

Research suggests that when parents use these practices they are teaching their kids to use eating to regulate emotions instead of coping strategies that actually work.

Overall Translation

Emotional eating is extremely common and linked to unhealthy outcomes for both physical and psychological health. Research finds that emotional eating may be a learned behavior and that parent feeding practices may encourage or discourage its development. However, like so many studies in the parenting research world, these studies are only correlational— meaning that we still do not know whether these parenting feeding practices cause emotional eating or are just associated with it.

However, this research suggests the following research-backed ways you can help your child to avoid becoming an emotional eater and develop healthier eating habits:

1. Be careful about how you talk about food: Help your child to see food as a source of nutrition and energy, not a source of emotional comfort

2. Teach mindful eating: Teach your kids to focus all of their senses on eating whenever possible. Try to avoid allowing them to watch TV or read while eating. Ask them questions that help them to engage their five senses while eating, such as asking them what their food looks like, feels like, and smells like. Encourage them to eat slowly, letting the food remain on their tongue for a minute before chewing or swallowing. Ask them to pay attention to how hungry they are before and after eating.

3. Practice division of responsibility: Division of responsibility is an approach to feeding your kids that allows them to learn how to tune into their own body. According to this model, parents decide what, when, and where food is served and children decide how much they want to eat or if they want to eat at all.

4. Allow all foods in moderation: Do not ban certain foods and do not label foods as “healthy,” “unhealthy,” “good,” or “bad.” Research finds that strategy is likely to backfire since children will become more preoccupied with the forbidden food over time.

5. Examine your own beliefs and practices related to food: Do you ever use food as a reward or a comfort? How much of your eating depends on hunger cues versus external cues? Try to change your own eating habits and model that for your child. If you are struggling with your own eating habits, see a registered dietitian who specializes in intuitive eating.

6. Teach and practice healthy coping skills: Teach your child healthy ways to manage their emotions instead of using food. First, you want to figure out which coping skills work best for your child. Some examples include deep breathing, going to a “calm down space,” using positive self-talk, listening to music, or talking about how they feel. Then practice these skills when your child is calm. When they are upset, remind them of their coping skills and coach them through how to employ these skills effectively.

Wondering how you can support Parenting Translator’s mission and/or express your gratitude for this service? It’s easy! All you have to do is share my newsletter with your friends and/or on your social media!

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Thanks for reading the Parenting Translator newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive future newsletters and support my work.

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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I am Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed psychologist with a PhD in child psychology and mother to four children (currently a 1-year-old, 4-year-old, 7-year-old, and 9-year-old). I specialize in taking all of the research that is out there related to parenting and child development and turning it into information that is accurate, relevant, and useful for parents! I recently turned these efforts into a non-profit organization since I believe that all parents deserve access to unbiased and free information. This means that I am only here to help YOU as a parent so please send along any feedback, topic suggestions, or questions that you have! You can also find me on Instagram @parentingtranslator, on TikTok @parentingtranslator, and my website (www.parentingtranslator.com).

DISCLAIMER: The information posted by Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives on the Instagram account @parentingtranslator, TikTok account @parentingtranslator, website (ParentingTranslator.com), and newsletter (parentingtranslator.substack.com), or any other medium or social media platform (the “Information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical, mental health, legal, or other advice. Parenting Translator is not engaged in rendering diagnosis, treatment, counseling, or therapy services by providing the Information, and your use of the Information does not create any practitioner-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, or any of its representatives. Dr. Cara D. Goodwin, PhD, Parenting Translator, and its representatives assume no responsibility and expressly disclaim liability for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the Information. Reliance on any Information provided by Parenting Translator, its representatives, and contributors, is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your own licensed and qualified medical, mental health, legal, or other professional, and do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it based on the Information. Call your medical or mental health professional, or 911, for all emergencies.